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Dustin, 5/4/22

I’m going give the “joke” in today’s Dustin the zero attention it deserves and instead will focus on a background detail that is driving me crazy. Whenever I do something like this, I get a million comments that gaslight me like, “Josh, it’s actually 100% normal for someone to make and eat an ice cream cone at home, you’re the weird one” but: do you freaks really have ice cream cones at home???? I mean, a big thing of ice cream in the freezer, sure, that’s normal, but decent people eat it out of a bowl, or out of the carton over the sink. Having a box (?) of ice cream cones in the pantry (??), ready to fill with ice cream at any moment, seems decadent and perverse to me, but I’m just a simple, honest American who maybe doesn’t understand this modern world anymore, just like Dustin’s atlas-loving dad.

Mary Worth, 5/4/22

Wow, what’s the most boring way we could get caught up on the background of Ian and Helen’s sordid past? Is it Toby calmly telling Mary about it while eliding the juicy details? Because that’s what we’re getting. This blows. Damn it, she’s probably not even going to angrily crush that muffin into crumbs as she tries and fails to stop herself from visualizing Helen in Ian’s arms!

Mutts, 5/4/22

NOBODY EVER CLAIMED SHE WAS

THE SONG IS “SHEENA IS A PUNK ROCKER,” LIKE ONE OF SEVERAL

WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT, YOU CLOYING LITTLE DOG

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Beetle Bailey, 5/3/22

Man, I really respect the second panel here for unleashing the full-throttle refusal to give a shit that makes Beetle Bailey the strip we all know and read every day for some reason. Just a bunch of people, some of whom we know and some we don’t, standing around a … void? with no furniture? because that’s what a “rec room” is, in the army? I guess???? Anyway, the fact that everyone’s facial expressions range from mild excitement to vague annoyance is just icing on the cake. Bravo, it doesn’t get more Beetle Bailey vibes than this.

Curtis, 5/3/22

“Ignorant,” Curtis? Derrick and Onion clearly paid attention in class when you were supposed to be learning about Greek mythology, which is more than you can say.

Dick Tracy, 5/3/22

“Yes, your honor, we have Stuntman Mike’s evidence on this. No, I don’t know his last name. I don’t know if he’s actually a stuntman, either. I only talk to him on the computer and his face is always blurred out. Look, are you going to give me a no-knock warrant to raid this day care center or am I going to have to start leaking to the press that you’re a soft-on-crime lib the next time you’re up for re-election?”

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Marvin, 5/2/22

Ha ha, just look at the dead eyes on Jeff throughout this comic! He has absolutely been anticipating the day his wife is going to leave him for years, and he’s not happy about it but he’s basically numb to the prospect at this point, so might as well get it over with! Anyway, she is going to break some very bad news, Jeff, in the sense that Marvin is staying.

Mary Worth, 5/2/22

“He reconnected with the love of his life, leaving me free to pursue a hot and emotionally meaningless sexual relationship with a college stud. Honestly, he fixed a lot of my problems.”

Crankshaft, 5/2/22

Speaking of fixing problems, it looks like Crankshaft and his entire family are about to be killed when a huge asteroid smashes into the Earth! The rest of the human race will be wiped out as well, of course, but it’s honestly a small price to pay.