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Whose John Hancock is on this week’s top comment? Why, it’s Schroduck!

“The fact that Marvin wouldn’t even use the sudoku brand name but is fine namechecking a product from the planet’s most powerful megacorporation and associating it with a pooping nightmare baby makes me think they want to get sued. Perhaps when you’re in this deep, the cartooning equivalent of suicide-by-cop seems like the only way out.” –Schroduck

These other commenters are also hilarious, truly a set of founding parents for our nation!

“Marvin is of course fascinated by any technological gadget he can operate through his ass.” –Ettorre

“Having spent upwards of several seconds pondering the matter, I believe that Bullseye is supposed to be a play on Target, though I don’t know why that would be remarkable to Funky or his financial institutions. However, many stores in real life carry some variation of the name Bullseye, and they’re usually firearms retailers. So maybe I’m wrong and Funky just set up his bank notifications to get some forewarning in case Holly decided to come home one day with a Gary Lourde Special to make him pay for his countless crimes against the English language.” –jroggs

“A garish, patterned tie? No, no. Not for me. I’ll stick with my trusty reddish-orange model. It goes perfectly with my tight black pants, light brown shoes, and curiously undersized light blue blazer. This, children, is what you call an ensemble.” –Joe Blevins

“I can’t believe he doesn’t think that hunting down living shadows to skin and make into throw pillows for our couch isn’t work! I swear, Jenny, the old man only thinks dungeon-delving and kobold-slaying counts.” –Voshkod

“Remember when I gave up my huge inheritance to marry you? Well, it’s finally paying off!” –GeoGreg

“I’m glad Shauna found water wings that match her tube top.” –matt+w

“The suspense is killing me. Are they each going to yell, ‘BITCH!! and hurl their scalding hot coffees at each other’s faces, or yell, ‘YOU’RE LATE!!’ and hurl them at Drew’s?” –Joe Btfsplk

“[Extremely David Attenborough voice] Crushed by the weight of the word balloons piled on top of her head, the young raven-hair must make a life-or-death decision: to stay where she is, or to take a hint.” –pastordan

“I long for the day when Mary Worth allowed such harsh words as ‘slattern’ rather than requiring grawlixes for them.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Obviously, this ‘fight‘ is pure kayfabe, a worked shoot. Like everyone’s pointed out, they’re not even spilling their coffees — yet! They’re saving the coffees for when Drew shows up, tries to break it up, and ‘scalds’ the both of them. One quick phone call to the personal injury lawyers at 1-888-YA-BURNT later and Ashlee and Shauna are sitting pretty in a brand new double-wide while Drew pulls triple shifts in the ER to pay off the settlements.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Isn’t Buck nominally supposed to be representing Jake Rowling/Kyle Vidpa’s interests here. I don’t think leading with ‘severe case of writer’s block‘ is going to help his bargaining position at all.” –Not Greg Evans

“This probably says more about me than it does about the comic, but goddamn it, there has never been a Six Chix that didn’t cause me to untether from reality and gaze into the abyss for awhile. Just… what IS this? The art is very unpleasant. The finger is wearing a crown for some reason. There is no joke present. And furthermore, the artist seems to know that there’s no joke present. Adding the words ‘dang teeny-weeny’ to the sentence ‘No paper cut was going to ruin her day’ — THERE AREN’T EVEN EXCLAMATION POINTS — does not a joke make. And yet, here we are. In despair.” –els

“All Drew really wants is to provide emergency first aid to hot sexy ladies, so this is a big day for him.” –lorne

“Wait. Yesterday, Ashlee and Shauna were slapping each other. Are we to interpret from this that they set down their coffees to do that, then picked them back up to throw in each other’s faces today? ‘I thought we could duel according to the ancient slap-fighting Code of Honor, but you dared to label me an &#^@%!! You brought this COFFE on yourself, wastrel!’” –Navigator

“Come on. Henry’s handicap is his personality.” –nescio

“She thinks there are more important things than golf! But golf is everything! The companionship, the sport, the unspeakable rituals, golf has it all! When our dread lord Pa’ar rises from the green, she’ll finally understand! THEY’LL ALL UNDERSTAND!” –Ahno neemus.

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Bizarro, 7/2/21

Hey, guys! Do you know how amphibians reproduce? In turns out that in a lot of species, the females lay unfertilized eggs in water, and then later the males come along and ejaculate onto them. Do, uh, do you think any of the people involved in the editorial process that ended with this cartoon being published in newspapers everywhere know this? Anyway, I know I don’t usually talk about Bizarro here, but felt compelled to point out that the strip today went where Hagar the Horrible doesn’t dare; I checked my archives to see if I had ever discussed Bizarro before, and it turns that (a) sometimes Uncle Lumpy does when he fills in for me and (b) this isn’t even the first time it’s done a “so how exactly does human-mermaid sex work” panel.

Dennis the Menace, 7/2/21

Wow, remember like two weeks ago when Henry was all like, “my wife commands me and I must obey?” Well, I guess he’s still saying that, but he seems a lot less turned on by it at this point.

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Six Chix, 7/1/21

Man, I don’t want to contradict this extremely confident-looking woman, but I’m not sure I’d refer to a wound that’s quite clearly gushing blood and radiating a crown of pain as a “teeny-weeny paper cut.” But maybe that’s the point? Maybe the point is that you too can overcome any injury, no matter how dire, simply by refusing to acknowledge it and focusing your mind totally on how you, and not your weak, contemptible body, shall be the ultimate victor. This will help you achieve true greatness, at least until you pass out from blood loss.

The Phantom, 7/1/21

Longtime readers of this blog and/or Phantom trufans remember Savarna, the vigilante anti-pirate sea captain with whom our hero had a flirtation during a stretch when the evil Chatu tricked the Ghost-Who-Is-Strictly-Monogamous into believing that his beloved wife was dead. Anyway, turns out she’s been imprisoned in Rhodia’s notorious Gravelines prison for a little light assassination of Rhodian military leaders, so the Phantom’s off to rescue her! You might remember Gravelines as the very same prison where he assisted a jailbreak just a few months ago, that time freeing a pal who works in Mexican law enforcement. Everyone else in there, though? They’re going to have to wait on an Amnesty International letter-writing campaign, which with any luck could lead to a strongly worded U.N. Security Council resolution. Hang tight, guys! Colonel Worubu’s working on it!

Mary Worth, 7/1/21

I’m retracting my previously stated concerns about Drew’s coffees. This is a much better use of them than trying to get him to drink them and appreciate it or whatever, please proceed.