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Mary Worth, 2/14/22

Toby story confirmed! Toby story about her working as a community college art teacher confirmed! I am very excited about the delights in store for us — do Toby’s students respect her? I feel fairly confident that they do not, and I dearly hope that the Etsy store where she sells her terrible figurines was discovered by everyone in her class by the end of the first week.

Blondie, 2/14/22

I dunno, man, I realize there’s a tradition of giving your romantic partner, like, sexy underwear for Valentine’s Day, but I feel like “Here’s something that feeds into my very specific fetish and it’s my Valentine’s gift to you” doesn’t seem quite right. I mean, I guess it’s working for these two crazy kids though? Sorry, Cookie and Alexander! Sorry they’re doing it right there in the living room!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/14/22

“My mistake. The thing is, I don’t want to talk to you, but if I had realized that my choices were either talking to you in person or talking to you on the phone, I definitely would’ve picked the phone.”

Gasoline Alley, 2/14/22

“We will celebrate it together, my dear! Have you seen my dad? That’s our future! We’re going to live forever, growing more wizened and aged, but never dying! We’re trapped in an eternal hell!”

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Crock, 2/13/22

“Trooper Megan” was added to the case of Crock years ago in an attempt to mollify the woke mob who threatened to cancel this widely beloved strip because its gang of scrappy, lovable French people imposing colonial rule on Algeria were all, sexistly, men. Unfortunately, we can see that true equality has not been achieved in the Foreign Legion, because Megan is primarily in charge of the occupation’s emotional labor.

Dustin, 2/13/22

Dustin is, of course, a strip about put-upon old people and the young people they have to deal with in their lives, who are, a result of their youngness, terrible. And you might ask: what are young people supposed to take away from this? Why should they get on board? Well, today’s strip makes it clear: there’s always someone younger and more terrible than you to look down on.

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Dennis the Menace, 2/12/22

This is in reality an extremely egregious example of working backwards from a punchline to a joke, without putting much effort in trying to figure out how to make the backstory work logically, but damn it, now I’m trying to figure out the backstory behind a guy receiving an epiphany from the Lord above at a church and then switching to another church. I’m imagining the heavens opening and a divine voice informing Mr. Wilson that his current denomination, the General Six-Principle Baptists, were heretics, as were the General Association of Baptists, the General Association of General Baptists, and the General Association of Regular Baptist Churches, and only the General Conference of the Evangelical Baptist Church carried the true faith.

Mark Trail, 2/12/22

You know, I remember a time when Rusty would be over the moon just to be allowed to go on a trip with Mark and Cherry, and would certainly not plan on killing a cryptid for social media fame without their permission. I guess it’s true that the only way to raise a respectful ward son is to keep him in a “Rusty coop” out back 350 days a year. Parents these days are going soft, and it’s the source of nothing but trouble!

Pluggers, 2/12/22

I think a lot about a story a friend once told me about a Bay Area Vietnamese restaurant that was famous for serving fake but very convincing meat in its dishes. Once my friend was eating there and a guy came in and started berating the owner, who always was out and about serving as host, about how even though they weren’t serving meat they were still promoting meat culture, which is a culture of death. The owner listened to his whole diatribe stone-faced and finally just replied, “Look, we’re Buddhists, we like pork but we can’t eat it.” Anyway, after seeing this panel, I’m going to spend my weekend working on “horseshoe theory, but for pluggers.”

Dick Tracy, 2/12/22

This doesn’t actually have anything to do with the Moran case directly; Dick just knows that the best way to loosen up and get his head “into the zone” as we go into the weekend is to hunt a PR guy for sport.