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Which gendered celebration are you looking forward to in the next few days: romantic love or American-style gridiron football? Remember, you can choose only one! But fortunately, we can all enjoy this comment of the week:

“‘Time away?’ I recognize that euphemism. They decided to tell everyone Wilbur was in prison, didn’t they? It’s less embarrassing than the truth.” –Peanut Gallery

And these runners up as well!

“Is the ‘Winter Olympics’ reference topical or coincidental? I mean, he could just as easily have said, ‘I feel like Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush,’ which would pass for topical to Blondie’s readership.” –Pozzo

“I don’t know why today’s strip prompted me to think about this, but when Dagwood’s body is autopsied his stomach contents are really going to cause a kerfuffle in the coroner world.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Crankshaft died while praying, so he won’t go to hell. As a last act of spite, he won’t grant us any satisfaction.” –Ettore_Costa, on Twitter

“Hagar is hopeful because he’s finally discovered that he can have a Box Of Arrows delivered directly to the battlefield. Lucky Eddie knows this is just the beginning of a hyper-capitalistic frenzy that will separate the Vikings into a struggling mass of low-paid gig workers and a tiny exploitative elite who will profit from sending them on increasingly dangerous raiding expeditions.” –But What Do I Know?

“‘Wilbur!’ should be the only line of dialogue permitted in Mary Worth from now on.” –Nigel Richardson, on Facebook

“It’s okay, Joey, cry it out. But make it quick. All these bodies aren’t going to hide themselves.” –jroggs

“You’re a plugger if your only cruising option is an extremely-low-traffic public bathroom.” –Roto13

“Mary has gotten to the point in her gaslighting where she’s now producing a cloud of methane around her at all times and we can already see the effect it has on Ian. He should be caber tossing Wilbur out of his apartment and reclaiming everything that mayonnaise fingered wiener touched but instead he’s placidly smiling at him with the look of a man who is both watching an amusing news story and wishing for death.” –Needless_Exposition

“Some say it’s a miracle? SOME SAY IT’S A MIRACLE? The very demons of Hell saved your life, Wilbur.” –Professor Well Actually

“I’m convinced today’s episode is a cruel and elaborate pantomime put on by Toby, holding her phone just offscreen, to whom the other characters are glancing to see if they’re getting their lines right. Wilbur’s going to be a TikTok sensation, but not for the reasons he thinks.” –pastordan

“Crazy that the Blondie comic we know today is the retooled version meant to be more relatable in the wake of the Great Depression. Nothing says ‘man of the people’ like a dipshit in a bowtie saying, ‘Are you guys psyched for the big game?’ then cutting off your response with a demand to serve him food.” –Dan

“Ever thought how boring this job would be if we didn’t give the Mitchells a smaller table every time they come in?” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“Cressida? Honestly, not one of the Bard’s best works. None of the Problem Plays are standouts, to be sure, but the genre confusion in Troilus and Cressida is so extreme as to render the play unenjoyable, no matter what Joyce Carol Oats says. Honestly, I’m surprised the drama club is planning to stage it at all. Oh, you meant Cressa? She’s out in the garage having trouble dividing six by two.” –Voshkod

“A few minutes later Rex walks out of the exam room. ‘Nope. That guy wasn’t funny at all.’” –Liam

“Intruigued by those hand gestures June is making. ‘Yep, just snip him, spank him and send him on his way. TGIF, ammirite?’” –pugfuggly

“The delivery of the line ‘I guess birthdays have a drawback,’ as if this has literally never occurred to Toby before, puts her at about 25, tops.” –T Campbell

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Gosh, it seems like the Morgans are about to lose all their savings in a lawsuit, but at least they’ll have their lucrative careers as medical professionals to fall back on! Unfortunately, Rex and June find the day-to-day job of being medical professionals a huge pain in the ass, since it mostly involves dealing with people and their problems. Can you imagine going to the doctor and asking them to look into your potential medical situation that goes a little deeper than just taking your blood pressure and declaring it “fine”? The nerve! Anyway, I sincerely hope that Rex gets a big eyeroll in right before this guy projectile-vomits blood onto him.

Mary Worth, 2/11/22

Objection, Toby’s face is in fact unnaturally smooth in that first panel. There are a few lines in the second panel, though they’re more “This is how human flesh actually works” rather than “Oh no, Toby has turned [REDACTED] and is now a hideous crone.” I’m assuming that in panel one, she’s put a chip clip behind each ear to pull her face nice and taught, to give her a preview of what the surgery will do for her once the poison she’s been slipping into Ian’s scotch finally accumulates to deadly levels and she can pay the surgeon with the insurance money.

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Blondie, 2/10/22

One thing that Blondie absolutely loves doing is to mine broadly appealing cultural events like “the Big Game” for laughs in the most generic way possible, without getting into specifics like what team Dagwood roots for or violating sacred NFL trademarks. Anyway, it’s really too bad that so much of the joke-space of today’s strip is dedicated to that sort of weaksauce bullshit, because I am frankly quite intrigued by the way Dagwood has clearly become extremely and erotically fixated on the forbidden chili in the final panel.

Gil Thorp, 2/10/22

Gil Thorp has somehow made its teen gambling plot, in which Pranit is using his brother’s sportsduke dot com account to accidentally become a bookie, boring, so the girl’s plot is going to have to veer into more traditional troubled youth territory. Are you telling me that some high school seniors at a party might’ve had a third of a can of hard seltzer apiece? Watch out, everybody, we got a new Euphoria on the funny pages today!

Dennis the Menace, 2/10/22

Honestly, you have to really admire that the Mitchells are so dedicated to high culture that they keep coming to this fancy restaurant with a black tie dress code even though Dennis ruins the experience so consistently that the wait staff knows their name. Dennis is never going to be snooty like you, Henry! It’s just not going to happen!