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Dustin, 2/4/22

“I mean, why would I stress about that? That whole thing is Dustin’s generation’s problem, and I don’t even like him! Anyway, if anyone needs me for the next hour, I’ll be in the bathroom, shitting.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/4/22

Wow, it’s kind of amazing that Rex and June spent so much endless and extremely uninteresting time musing about whether Sarah could emotionally handle the publicity and fame of being a big-shot author about a cat who’s also a cop, and yet apparently didn’t bother checking to see if the Morgan family could legally and financially handle it if she got sued. Was this guy their lawyer then? He’d better hope he wasn’t, because Rex in panel three definitely looks like he’s going to murder whatever lawyer fucked this up, right before he murders Kyle Vidpa.

Beetle Bailey, 2/4/22

Hey, remember in the ’90s, when potato chip companies tried to market chips made with a zero-calorie fat substitute called “Olestra” despite the fact that they had to put a label on the bags that said, in a phrase that I assume was the end product of a lot of hilarious back-and-forth with the FDA, that they caused “loose stools”? Frito Lay’s version of these chips were marketed under the WOW brand, something that just popped into my mind, probably for no reason.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/3/22

Look, whatever, I’m perfectly fine with the idea of beleaguered band parents getting bombed while at their kids extracurricular events, and I’ll even allow that this concept + [TOPICAL PHRASE] makes for a perfectly adequate mid-week daily comics punchline. My problem is that all these people have at their table is a bunch of pamphlets. What, are they just selling instructions on how to make Jello shots? Where’s the vodka? Where are the huge bottles of vodka? Parents may or may not get drunk at the parades and sporting events they have to go to in order to support their children, I wouldn’t know, but they definitely get drunk at conventions like this one, so these people are leaving money on the table.

Mary Worth, 2/3/22

Have Dawn and Estelle ever interacted with one another, socially? Has Wilbur ever even bothered to introduce them? Or did they just awkwardly run into each other outside the bathroom of the Weston condo one morning and each of them had to explain to the other who they were?

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Mary Worth, 2/2/22

No. No! No! You’re backsliding, Mary! I’m not sure what sort of brain parasite Wilbur slipped into your tea back in 2014 or so, but for a brief, shining moment your rage cleared away the mental fog and you saw him as he truly was. But now, suddenly, while Wilbur’s own daughter and a woman who has willingly had sex with him still seethe with anger, you’re nattering on about “the highs and lows of life with Wilbur!” Don’t you see, Mary? This is how it started with Barney Google! If five years from now this is strip is called Mary Worth Presents: Life With Wilbur and you haven’t made an on-panel appearance since 2024, well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Hi and Lois, 2/2/22

Beetle Bailey was originally a college-based strip that pivoted to the military for a change of pace, and we can all agree that that didn’t work out so great in terms of realism. But when Hi and Lois was launched as its sister strip, with a mission to capture the crushing, soulless ennui of middle-class American suburban life? Well, they really nailed it.