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Dick Tracy, 10/22/20

Despite the fact that Dick Tracy wears a bright yellow coat and has a rogue gallery full of weird mutants, his strip is actually a fairly accurate depiction of police work in several senses, including the fact that there often isn’t much mystery involved in any given crime. Oh, did an heiress die from being drained of blood, vampire-style? Probably she was killed by the local professor guy who’s part of a gang of vampire cosplayers who think they should’ve inherited the money instead, and he’ll be going after the other sisters next! Anyway, I genuinely enjoy how the tubes coming out of Professor Stokes’ mouth make him look particularly pathetic. You’ll never be a real vampire, buddy, no matter how goofy an overcoat you buy!

Mary Worth, 10/22/20

It has been brought to my attention by my more drug-savvy readers that this could also be a pipe for smoking meth, not just crack like I said before, so really, who can say what Tommy is resisting here, but the point is that if you don’t enjoy the sight of our boy staring at a pipe with eyes the size of dinner plates, then I respect your opinion but I think you’re missing out one of the fundamental pleasures of Mary Worth.

Dennis the Menace, 10/22/20

A fun fact about Socrates is that he was put on trial for various trumped up charges of “corrupting the youth” of Athens, and was convicted by only a very narrow majority of the jury, but then in the penalty phase of the trial he got to give a speech about what he thought his punishment should be, and he said the Athenian government should give him free room and board for life like they did for Olympic champions, and then a much larger portion of the jury voted to have him executed. What I’m trying to say, Dennis, is that a much smarter and more menacing man than you has already tried this little strategem, and it very much did not work.

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Mary Worth, 10/21/20

OK, I had to go back to last week to make sure I understood the timeline here so that I can anticipate the exact level of hilarity we’re about to encounter. After Tommy’s failed onion ring proposal, Brandy cut the date short, claiming she “wasn’t feeling well,” which we all assumed was code for “was just proposed to by a guy she wasn’t ready to marry, and also he used an onion ring to do it,” but I guess she really wasn’t feeling well, and now is about to leave the house, after what I assume is only a few minutes, and head down to the drug store. Speaking of drugs, Tommy only seemed to walk a block or so from Brandy’s house before being waylaid by his old drug buddy and offered some delicious drugs. Clearly this means that Brandy, who you’ll recall has a lot of semi-unresolved issues about her own dad’s struggle with addiction and who was assured that Tommy’s problems in that department are thoroughly in his past, is about to stumble upon her boyfriend enjoying a big hit of the ol’ crack cocaine — or, better, looking like he’s about to enjoy a big hit even though he’s actually about to turn it down. I’m very excited about this!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/20

I’m sure whatever bad thing Sarah has done is extremely low stakes, but please let me cling, just for a moment, to the idea that Sarah has succeeded where Nancy has repeatedly failed and is throwing an absolute rager of a COVID party in the rec room right now.

Dustin, 10/21/20

I honestly enjoy Dustin’s dad’s wry little smile in the final panel. It’s like he’s thinking, “Huh, I would’ve guessed me and the rest of our family were the things she was most grateful for, but at least we both hate it when other people have fun.”

Marvin, 10/21/20

God, I’m not sure what I would’ve come up with if you had asked me what the grimmest possible thing for a fish to say might be, but “I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a fish” has got to be pretty high on the list.

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Mary Worth, 10/20/20

Folks, we got a real situation on our hands here, by which I mean we’re in that rare, golden period where every day’s Mary Worth is going to demand constant attention and analysis. Here’s Tommy’s old dirtbag buddy Vin, who, say what you will about a gap-toothed back-alley crackhead, but he immediately recognizes an old friend in a low emotional state and offers to share a hit or two of hard-earned crack cocaine, despite his clearly stated plan to consume the entire pipeful himself. Anyway, let’s give a big shoutout to new-ish Mary Worth artist June Brigman, who has successfully rendered a recognizable crack pipe, in contrast with Apartment 3-G, which featured characters smoking “rock” or maybe “dope” out of some sort of tube, or old-school Mary Worth, in which Tommy the dealer had a big brown bag o’ meth.

Shoe, 10/20/20

Wouldn’t have picked Shoe as the newspaper comic strip that was going to perfectly capture the mood of America in 2020, but, well, congrats to Shoe for perfectly capturing the mood of American in 2020!

Crankshaft, 10/20/20

Does … does Crankshaft think that “transporter” is trademarked but “Star Trek” isn’t