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Hey y’all: it’s your comment … of … the WEEK!

“If we do have to accept a more narrow First Amendment in the future, I propose a ban on topical references in the funny papers. It’s disgusting to me that the Bumsteads don’t still have a candlestick telephone.” –Tim Cavanaugh, on Twitter

And your very funny runners up!

“Turns out, employing a whole office full of people to draw up fictitious contracts with funny names has been ruled a ‘non-essential business.’ I don’t like it any more than you do, Dithers.” –Peanut Gallery

“The sole concession Blondie and Cora will make to the Pandemic is to wear flats instead of heels. Keep it tight, ladies!” –lorne

“Do you suppose comic strip characters are as weirded out by real-world celebrities visiting their strip as we are? Does seeing the unnatural level of detail and precision trigger their Uncanny Valley revulsion?” –TheDiva

Dawn … do you still feel like I do? With your skin? Or has being in New York changed you into a C.H.U.D., blind and desensitized, querulously sniffing the air for the scent of meat?” –Voshkod

“I love how the doctors in the background serve to highlight that no one wants to eat lunch with Jared, including and especially when he looks sad.” –Jenna

“Don’t count Ed out — he’s only made a pun on the ‘over’ part so far. He’s holding ‘head’ and ‘bin’ in reserve.” –Pozzo

The dog got top billing over Mason; it’s that little extra knife-twist of indignity you don’t get anywhere but Funky Winkerbean.” –Dan

“Look at Les’s disapproving expression: ‘What, you sacrificed your artistic integrity AND passed up an opportunity to get a deadly disease to draw inspiration from? For shame, Mason, for shame.’” –pugfuggly

“I’m confused. Is ‘the lack of universal healthcare will ensure a steady supply of movies with funny animals‘ an endorsement or a condemnation of neoliberalism?” –Ettorre

“Thank goodness. His parents are probably frantically searching the silverware drawer, looking for the missing butter knife. ‘We can’t just have seven complete settings! We just can’t!’” –nescio

“You know what’s sad about this? Warren conveys the joke — he started speaking at an extremely young age — perfectly well in panel one. There’s no need for him to say anything else. But then, in panel two, he panics and adds gratuitous explanation. You sold out, Warren.” –Joe Blevins

Between Friends is actually a lockdown strip; these characters haven’t been sober in WEEKS.” –Rosstifer

“The charitable explanation is that Mason set up these out-of-reach meetings deliberately to puncture Les’s ego and grandeur, so that he will be ready for the inevitable pivot to Hallmark and Lifetime.” –Tom T.

Are you thinking of me? Are you thinking of Hugo? Are you envisioning my shaggy, paleolithic head staring blankly at you from a cloud bank? Are you picturing my head on Hugo’s body, speaking in French about how Endor is a moon and not a planet? Are you secretly some sort succubus who specifically feeds on the love from nerd and Frenchman alike? Are you human? Or are you dancer? Jesus, these eighteen hour shifts are killing me. I … I need to get some sleep.” –Mighty Sean Young

“It was very clever of Dawn to store pictures of Jared in the cloud.” –Weaselboy

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Mary Worth, 5/8/20

Floatin heads are, of course, a beloved Mary Worth tradition, so well established that they have their own category in the annual Worthy Awards. Today’s is a particular delight. Dawn’s fantasy Jared isn’t contained in a thought balloon, but is rather emerging from a cloud bank as she flies back from the East Coast, and while it’s always hard to judge the relative size of cloud formations, I think we have to assume that this Jared is hundreds of feet tall and regarding Dawn’s plane serenely while floating thousands of feet in the air. Since she has such an active imagination, it’s no surprise Dawn hasn’t bothered to, say, pay for in-flight wi-fi, which she could’ve used to get in touch with Jared and let him know the she isn’t going to dump him or anything.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/8/20

Parson Tuttle is, as longtime readers of this blog know, a phony who’s wholly unlearned in Christian theology and philosophy and is only acting as a clergyman as a grift. Today’s he taking the day off from the scam, so he can relax, ignore the bogus Christian god, and commune with his true objects of worship: the uncanny scaly mer-deities who live beneath the waters, sleeping dreamless for eons, waiting for the day when they’ll rise up and annihilate us.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/7/20

OK, I am ashamed to admit this, but: I genuinely do not have a handle on what is happening in Funky Winkerbean today. On the one hand, what we know most about this quixotic second-time-around attempt to turn Les’s maudlin book about his dead wife into a movie is that Les, whom the strip assumes is good and noble, is afraid that Hollywood is going to bastardize it in some way, probably by making it interesting or watchable, and so far his meetings have confirmed his darkest suspicions. Today, he and Mason are talking to a personified cluster of Rich Hollywood Asshole Signifiers, with the giant desk and the smug face and the “Amaze me!” and such, and the dude reacts to their pitch by saying “Creating art isn’t a business model,” which one might expect to mean “I’m in the business of greenlighting profitable entertainment products, and creating art — beautiful, tragic art like Lisa’s Story — isn’t how you do that.”

BUT! HOWEVER! Mason’s pitch isn’t about making some intimate, art-house film that can be made on a Netflix budget and maybe get limited theatrical distribution. He’s throwing all sorts of business-y jargon out there. Box-office appeal! High-concept four-quadrant movie! Maybe the big twist is supposed to be that our Rich Hollywood Asshole has a soul after all. Why are you coming to us with business models, Mason? Creating art isn’t a business model, and we thought you wanted to create art. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Between Friends, 5/7/20

Meanwhile, let’s check in on the gently neurotic middle-aged Canadian antics of Between Friends. There, uh, seems to be a gas leak of some sort? More on this situation as it develops.