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Folks! It’s the last Friday of the month, and around here on the last Friday of the month we announce my comedy show, which happens on the first Friday of the month, every month! And it’s happening next Friday! Wanna learn about Ansel Elgort, Tik Tok, and tweens? Then be there!

And like every Friday — first, last, whatever — today we present to you this week’s comment of the week!

“C’mon, Josh, the teen is hanging at the elementary school because he’s selling drugs, and Thel is smiling because she’s about to get a dime bag, which she definitely needs to make it through the day without murdering one of her four melon-headed children, probably this especially dumb one here blathering on about math.” –Thelonious_Nick

The runners up are also hilarious!

“Buck’s head looks like if Easter Island had accountants.” –pugfuggly

“‘Have you ever eaten food that had nasty after effects?’ ‘Yeah, earlier today. That’s why I had to ditch my clothes.’” –nescio

“I don’t think I called my own father ‘dad’ or ‘pop’ that many times in the 46 years we shared the earth together, total. We just kind of assumed it was the reason we were hanging out together.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

“I can’t fault her question. It’s actually a great segue into making up an excuse to leave.” –pachoo

“This is why I never check email or forums in my house’s black void of nothingness room. Always seems to be just bad news.” –jroggs

“In fairness, the HR team at NotChicago Police recognize ‘faked own death‘ as a legitimate reason for missing an extended period of work, right alongside ‘abducted by Moon aliens,’ ‘deep undercover as an over-the-top ethnic stereotype,’ and, of course, ‘maternity leave.’” –Dmsilev

“The problem with drawing your children as terrifying melon-headed freaks and your adults with relatively normal proportions is you have no idea how to draw adolescents. Do you use your adult body type but slightly shorter, or do you stretch out the stumpy bodies of the hideous child things to create the monstrosity seen here?” –Rosstifer

“This is obviously a kid Billy’s age standing on another kid’s shoulders. The ‘numbers and letters’ are in a math story problem intended to discover whether this finally makes them tall enough to ride a rollercoaster.” –BigTed

“It must be Take Your Wife and Child to Work and Then Mostly Ignore Them Day again. Has it really been a year?” –Joe Blevins

“Yes! Because roller coasters go through tunnels (but only one time, like Hugo)? Wait this is a sex metaphor, right?” –Foodar

“Mr. Wilson is plotting to convert every atom of Dennis’s body into pure energy. Who’s the menace now?” –Peanut Gallery

“There are a lot of ways Dennis could have rubbed his youthful vigor and energy in Wilson’s nose but breakdancing across the lawn has a certain cruel panache. ‘Your elderly joints could never do this, old man. Death will take you soon.’” –Escape Zeppelin

“I wish you the best with your long-distance love, dear. Here, have some carpet samples! I know you’re not capable of feeding yourself!” –Mysterious Shirtless Lawyer

“One has a Ph.D. in anthropology, the other lives with his father-in-law and owns one set of clothes.” –Rusty

“So … you think Gil Thorp‘s third panel was written to spark slash fiction about the coaches? Because that’s how you get slash fiction about the coaches.” –Voshkod

“My favorite horrifying detail about Beetle Bailey is that fake mom is a grown-up Little Orphan Annie! Daddy Warbucks is a big-time defense contractor of course, but I’m a little surprised that his long-term play there was to turn her into a military Weeble.” –matt w

“Which Prescott Award did the guy win? The Gerald W. Prescott Award to recognize scholarly works on phycology? The Albert B. Prescott Pharmacy Leadership Award? The Samuel Cate Prescott Award for research in food science and technology? Because all of those sound pretty impressive, actually.” –JJ48

“Les at the next table, muttering, ‘Advertising does not sell books, dead spouses sell books. Only one thing matters in this industry, and that is cancer. A-B-C. A: always, B: be, C: cancer-adjacent. Always be cancer-adjacent. Do I have your attention?’” –Dan

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Beetle Bailey, 9/27/19

What’s your favorite disturbing detail here? A lot of people are going to say it’s that the fake parents have no legs, but I’m going to go with the fact that the creator of this little diorama has repurposed the PA system in this room for nagging parental dialogue, so that it clearly isn’t coming from their eternally open but eternally silent painted-on mouths.

Crankshaft, 9/27/19

This week’s Crankshaft, presumably inspired by someone spending a lot of time at book fairs, has been giving us a gently parodic tour of the various silly types you might see at a book fair. Today’s specimen: an author who actually wants someone to buy his book and is actively taking steps to catch the interest of potential customers, what a whore

Mary Worth, 9/27/19

“At least you’re trying. On to a different topic: have you heard from your father, who’s never tried anything and gives up on things extremely easily?”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/27/19

“No hilarity ensued”: The Funky Winkerbean mission statement.

Judge Parker, 9/27/19

Oh, hey, remember how Abbey was going to turn her opulent estate into a bed and breakfast? Well, today’s the today when she thinks to herself, “Wait, I’m, like, super duper rich, why do I have a job in the service industry all of the sudden? Fuck this.”

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Gil Thorp, 9/26/19

Hmm, why is it that sophomore Chance Macy is running up huge numbers on the football field, but doesn’t really want to hang out with other students, and particularly resists the female attention that a big man on campus often gets. Could it be because he’s an “overaged” sophomore, and by “overaged” we mean a 26-year-old undercover cop who quickly realized that nobody at Milford High was doing any crimes and decided to use his assignment to relive his high school athletic glory years? Very excited for Gil and Kaz to pretend to be shocked, shocked when this comes out just in time to force them to pull out of the championship game!

Mark Trail, 9/26/19

Look, Mark, I’m not big on pseudoscience either, but maybe right after your host tells you that they’ve been obsessed with something their entire life isn’t the best time to say “Wow, sounds like you wasted your life on a scam and a fraud, then!” It’s just basic courtesy, and it could be the difference between the world’s most preeminent yeti expert rescuing you from a savage yeti attack and the world’s most preeminent yeti expert laughing “Who’s a pseudoscientist now, Mark?” as a yeti tears you apart with its razor-sharp teeth.