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Folks, next week is a holiday Friday, and even though I’ll be posting as usual, I’m still giving you a week longer than I normally do to prepare yourself for the Internet Read Aloud, my live Internet-themed comedy show, in Los Angeles!

It’s gonna be lit, much like a Christmas tree and/or menorah! Here’s the Facebook event!

And here’s the comment of the week!

“So that’s Miss Buxley, which makes sense since Sam and Silo is a Mort Walker strip, except according to Wikipedia Walker did the writing not the art, and also he stepped away from the strip in 1997, leaving the strip entirely to Jerry Dumas, who died in 2016, and then the strip ended ‘circa 2017,’ which raises the question, how am I reading the thing that I’m reading? At a certain point do legacy strips simply start reproducing themselves like an out-of-control sourdough starter?” –matt w

And here are your hilarious runners up!

“Why does Curtis have a cell phone? Do you know how many packs of cigarettes Greg could buy for the price of a cell phone?” –ZeroWolf

“Curtis is setting himself up to fail the next pop quiz, not knowing how many instances of the word ‘gab’ to write down for the answers.” –Just John

“That crocodile is called Colin. All crocodiles who wear T-shirts and shorts are called Colin, and are the last upholders of the ‘innocent boys at play, suffering wholesome ailments like grazed knees or toothache’ ethos. I hope the criminal dog respects that worldview, cos if he decides to take hostages Colin will be the first to go.” –‘mantha

“There’s a certain ominous quality to ‘I know a place where everyone goes.’ He means Hell, right? He’s definitely talking about Hell.” –Joe Blevins

“Pausing for only the briefest moment, Dolly pointedly ignores her brother’s heretical ignorance. Patience, she thinks to herself, patience is a virtue. Under her new world order, Jeffy will be the first to go.” –Austria

“‘I need some space right now.’ ‘But I am space! Length, depth, and width, all taken up without any real content! Please, that I physically exist is my best attribute!’” –pachoo

“Hi puts his garbage out on the curb at the last possible minute, instead of doing it on the night before, to keep his neighbors from seeing all of Hi’s discarded liquor bottles and porno magazines during their evening strolls. His expression this morning is appropriate for someone who has just learned that his efforts have been thwarted by incriminatinggarbage.com.” –seismic-2

“I hope we find out that Wilbur is involved in a midnight breakdancing gang.” –Foodar

“Maybe I’m a food snob, but I definitely would not order anything off the ‘secret menu’ of a diner where the food is being prepared in a part of the restaurant that is clearly where the restroom should be.” –Brad

“ In your rye (or white or wheat)/ Your rye (I put lunchmeat)” –Dan

“This boombox must be at least 20 years old, playing a tape that’s probably closer to 30 or even 40, as water slowly seeps into its interior. Not only must it sound awful, I can’t wait for the tape to jam and get chewed up, leaving Wilbur desperately trying to wind it back it in with a pencil as Estelle sighs and goes back to bed.” –Schroduck

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine rain splashing on Wilbur’s mopey face while he holds a boombox — forever.” –Ettorre

“I choose to believe Wilbur picked this song about how nice it is to get rained on on purpose, to make it look like he scrambled to find any song with rain in it to underscore how very tragic it is to be standing in the rain holding a stereo to apologize to your beloved and didn’t stop to think any further than that. He knows how pitiful he is, and he knows pity is his best chance with Estelle, and he’s taken the pity play to the next level.” –Amelie

“The total lack of background in Family Circus isn’t laziness. It’s the formless void the world would occasionally collapse into back in 1978, when Thel bought those pants. The only things in the void are Thel, Jeffy and the bowl of gruel. No way is she letting go of the gruel.” –Downpuppy

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Family Circus, 11/22/19

OK, guys, look, as a childfree adult who spends very little time interacting with toddlers, I don’t have … the strongest sense of how big they are, and that’s on me. But I also think that some of the sizing of objects in the Family Circus is a little off, like things are the wrong size in comparison to one another, for whatever reason (whispers “clip art” into the wind). What I’m trying to say is, that’s an enormous bowl of gruel Ma Keane is holding, right? Like, it’s almost the size of Jeffy’s torso and it is filled to the brim with viscous, ecru flavor. It’s gotta be really heavy and honestly Jeffy is lucky he’s getting as much hug as he’s getting.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/22/19

IT’S CALLED A “TRAMP STAMP”

NOBODY CALLS IT A “TRAMP TATTOO”

THE JOKE DOESN’T WORK AT ALL UNLESS YOU CALL IT A “TRAMP STAMP”

ALSO IT’S ON THE LOWER BACK, BECAUSE THE IMPLICATION IS THAT IT’S FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK AT WHILE YOU DO IT “DOGGY STYLE”

YOU DON’T GET TO DO THIS JOKE UNLESS YOU FOLLOW ITS IMPLICATIONS TO THEIR LOGICAL CONCLUSIONS

I DON’T MAKE THE RULES

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Dick Tracy, 11/21/19

Splitface is back, everybody! Remember Splitface, the beloved (?) villain from the storyline earlier this year? Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, not the other guy with the same name? Anyway, Splitface is being awfully hard on Clybourne, who, despite not having much experience working with explosives, has nevertheless managed to correctly identify this as a multi-car bomb.

Crankshaft, 11/21/19

I’m … assuming this is setting up a whole week of wacky Crankshaft Thanksigivingisms but … guys, what if they just forgot that Thanksgiving was really late into November this year, and thought November 21st was Thanksgiving when they wrote this, and this is supposed to be the Thanksgiving strip! Just imagine the number of people who had a chance to say “Hey, is this supposed to run next week?” but didn’t, because, Crankshaft, man, and who cares, actually.

Mary Worth, 11/21/19

This condo complex is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The pedestrian walkways and designated parking areas are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their drunkenness and boxing documentaries will foam up about their waists, and all the advice columnists and busybodies will look up and shout “Do you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain?”

…and I’ll look down, and whisper “no.”