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On the Fastrack, 8/17/19

Say, here’s a long-running comic that started out as a pleasant ensemble gag-a-day strip but evolved into a soapbox for the observations, wordplay, and general adoration of a single character, who can do no wrong. Sound familiar? You can almost see Les Moore’s goatee poking out from under the goth makeup.

Gasoline Alley, 8/17/19

And here’s one of those evergreen “snatching death from the jaws of life” narratives. After decades of frustration and reader agony, Rufus’s picaresque woo is finally starting to erode Mayor Miz Melba’s defenses. As night follows day, this triggers his slide into “pain relief pill” addiction and death. Can’t blame him for wanting to quit this world, though, after that “off ow your feet” pun in panel 1.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/17/19

And here is the genuine article, authenticated by its ten-year time jump, week-long Crankshaft flashback/crossover, and overwrought exposition that falls apart on a moment’s inspection. To wit:

• “Stopping by” to give Crankshaft the funnel cake? Wait, weren’t Pete and Mindy just together at the fair? Has Mindy somehow moved into Bedside Manor?
• “I love his ‘donut on steroids’ line.” But that was back in the day, and Pete wasn’t there for it. Do these two spend all their off-panel time chattering about Things Grampa Said? Oh God, they probably do.
• “This is my engagement tiger that Pete won for me at the county fair baseball toss!” Got that, Gramps? Not, “We’re engaged!” or “We brought you a funnel cake!”, but a recap that manages to be both incomprehensible and wrong: a) Pete didn’t win the tiger, the carny gave it to him out of pity, a genuine real-world thing that happens every day; b) “I was planning to propose to you tonight …” is not a proposal, and “My engagement tiger?” is not an acceptance. (Funkyworld people do this weird proposal-not-a-proposal thing all the time.)

In all the confusion, it’s not clear whether Crankshaft is giving Pete the thumbs-up for a) his incompetent pitching, b) his incompetent wooing, or c) successful delivery of a funnel cake. My money’s on the cake.

Judge Parker, 8/17/19

Enough Funky — it’s the triumphant Apartment 3-G reboot! I like the buff new Papagoras! But adult women don’t really dress like the twins here, and since when is Margo the blonde?

Hi there! I’ll be sitting in through Wednesday the 28th while Josh takes a well-earned rest at bucolic Undisclosed Location, far up in the northern part of the state. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net with any access issues, etc.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Folks! I’m about to head out on vacation for a week and change, but fear not: your favorite Uncle Lumpy is on duty in the iterim! I’ll be back on Thursday the 29th, but till then, enjoy this comment of the week, and Uncle Lumpy’s comic stylings:

“Oh no. Hugo’s going to fall off that ladder and break his neck, isn’t he? And Dawn will spend the rest of her life regretting that she didn’t help– oh, wait, this isn’t the Funkyverse! It’s the Mary Worthiverse, which means that we get to spend the next few weeks literally watching paint dry.” –els

And your very funny runners up!

“The man in cargo shorts is having a life crisis as he is forced to reconsider all those fake girl gamer memes he shared.” –Ettorre

“While you were playing with dolls, I was playing with guns! Remember? In the house we grew up in together, at the same time?” –pugfuggly

“Following an unsuccessful attempt to boost tourism in the 1950s, every day in Milford is St Patrick’s Day.” –Schroduck

“Interpretation one: ‘Don’t worry. The kids won’t care about the poop landing on the cake, because they don’t care about the candle blower’s saliva.’ Interpretation two: ‘Don’t worry. There are no horizontal surfaces in the world for the poop to land on. It will just keep falling forever.’” –A Concerned Reader

“Come on, just one little baseball can’t hurt you. All the cool kids are doing it. You won’t get hooked! You won’t end up like those losers who spend hours staring slackjawed at double-header games on TV, blowing their whole paychecks at the ballpark, stealing from their own mothers to feed their habit for official MLB-approved merchandise…” –Peanut Gallery

“A lifetime of heavy beer and meat consumption meets its inevitable conclusion.” –Rusty

“I, for one, am taking this opportunity to enjoy General Halftrack’s desk in perfect isolation. Look at all those scrotums carved into the wood!” –Joe Blevins

“See, this is why Rex is a great human being and Roy from Judge Parker is sapient pond scum. Roy gave the Mafia info about someone he didn’t like, and that makes Roy irredeemably evil. But Rex is only going to give someone info that they will pass along to the Mafia. Rex isn’t going to deal with mobsters directly. It’s that one extra degree of separation that divides sinners from saints.” –jroggs

“Forget the magical hoverbaby, I’m worried about the voidpillow on the couch! An inky, comfortable blackness that cushions and devours all it touches. It… it’s in my mind. ALL HAIL THE VOIDPILLOW!” –Victor Von

“Let the grown-ups have their moonshine. These young ‘uns know that psychedelic frog secretions are the best high you can get for free — especially since they allow you to hallucinate trademarked Disney characters without paying the movie-theater admission prices.” –BigTed

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/16/19

I’m not sure what it is Jughaid thinks will be “gross”. It could be the process of transformation by which an amphibian becomes a man, which will no doubt involve skin stretching, bones snapping and mending and snapping again, and the strange, chimeric creature bellowing out in pain as every single cell transmutes into something different, on fire from whatever cursed witch’s magic turned him into a frog in the first place; on the other hand, it could just be Mary Beth kissing a frog, I suppose. Either way, he’s right to think that Jamey would want to see it! Not a lot by way of entertainment available around these parts.

Shoe, 8/16/19

Ha ha! It’s funny because the Perfesser will soon find himself both humiliated and impoverished by our medical system!