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Mary Worth, 4/14/24

Are you feeling down, my friends? Depressed? Abandoned? Do you worry that nobody loves you, simply because, in many ways both large and small, you have with your own actions made yourself unloveable? Well, just think about this: maybe someday you’ll rudely bump into a child because you’re deep in your own internal pity party and not watching where you’re walking, and in doing so save that child’s life. Wow! Really makes you think! Or, it would make you think if you even notice that it happens, which you won’t, because you are, and I can’t emphasize this enough, incredibly self-absorbed.

Judge Parker, 4/14/24

Look, I wish no ill upon Judge Parker. I hope it continues to grace the funny pages, both physical and virtual, for years to come. But I will say that, if any comic strip, soap opera or otherwise, decided to wrap things up, there are a lot worse ways to write the final chapter than a rogue CIA agent preparing all the other characters for a murder-suicide pact.

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Hi and Lois, 4/13/24

Two things you have to keep in mind when reading today’s Hi and Lois: (a) despite my many jokes about how Trixie is an eternal baby who’s been an infant for 70 years now, we have to understand that, in the world of the strip, she’s actually less than a year old, and (b) the Flagston family dog is named Dawg. Which means that at some point, possibly quite recently, these kids decided to name their baseball team after the dog, but now that there’s something new and exciting on the scene in terms of cute nonverbal family members, they’re willing to just throw out their old name and take on a new one. It makes me sick and I’m just glad Dawg’s not here to see it.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/13/24

Children have long been expected to contribute economically to their households at a pretty young age, particularly in poorer, developing societies. The real unnerving thing here is not that Jughaid’s trying to help pay his way, but the question of where, in a town whose economy is entirely based on criminality, he got the money.

Daddy Daze, 4/13/24

OK, fine, I laughed at this. See, the joke is that the Daddy Daze baby isn’t potty trained, so he doesn’t really see the point of the toilet. He can just poop whenever and wherever he wants, he doesn’t need a special piece of furniture for it! If Marvin tried to pull this off, I’d be furious, but Daddy Daze doesn’t go to the poop joke well too often so I’ll allow it.

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You want this week’s top comment? You got it, buddy!

“Now let’s be fair, there are plenty of valid reasons for this lady to call Wilbur ‘pretty good.’ Maybe she just got a cochlear implant and this is literally the first time she’s ever heard singing. Maybe she’s an extraterrestrial just now encountering music. Maybe she has a head injury. Early onset dementia. The list goes on.” –Lauralot

And here’s a big pile of hilarious runners up:

“I’m less concerned with the theological implications of snowmen in heaven than I am the meteorological ones. I get that the upper atmosphere is probably cold enough to sustain a snowman’s corporeal form but does that mean the human angels are freezing under those diaphanous robes? Maybe they should be wearing celestial parkas or at least some holy longhorns. And if heaven is freezing, does that mean, for people who were always cold, it’s actually hell? Hmmm … I guess I am interested in the theology after all.” –Where’s Rocky?

“Is this months-long discussion of The Count’s mobility aid just a setup for some cheap ‘Muddy Boots’ gag? God, I hope so.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Randy is at least showing some body tension that accords with what he is yelling, but April’s body language says ‘Meh, who cares.’ I’m guessing that the actress playing April got together with the actor playing Pavel in his trailer dressing room and is now feeling very relaxed. Yes.” –Poteet

“Oh, come ON, Crock! ‘I hear the rains in Africa’ was right there!!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“I have two iPods. One barely works, but the oldest is an iPod Classic. It rules! Holds thousands of songs! ‘Celebration’ included! But it also needs headphones or earbuds, and Seymour has neither. Dammit, Seymour, you were almost a Gen X hipster, but it turns out you’re just dumb. I thought maybe we gonna celebrate and have a good time.” –made of wince

“Don’t worry, Trixie still doesn’t understand the difference between an illustration (the seed package) and the object it represents (the seeds themselves), so she’s still just a baby! A sad, neglected baby sitting in bright daylight with sparse hair and no hat. (‘Even Mommy got to wear a hat!’ she’ll realize while sitting in her expensive therapist’s office one day.)” –BigTed

“At first I understood ‘Judy: Left in Walt’s Car’ to mean that on Feb. 28, 1935, she’d had enough of the strip’s whole (waves arms in futile gesture) … whatever all this is … and hot-footed it out of town, stealing Walt’s car to add insult to injury. ‘Go, Judy, Go!’ I exulted. ‘Go and don’t look back!’ Alas, I was wrong. Gasoline Alley seems to exert a gravitational field that no one can escape, not even poor comics readers. Please excuse my bitter tears.” –Doctor Moreau

“The seeds drink the water from the Earth, then devour the sunlight. Yes, Trixie, all plant life eats sunbeams and your favorite animals eat the plants which means they eat sunbeams, which means you eat sunbeams. Keep that in mind the next time there’s a cloudy day. You made that happen, child.” –Old Man Shadow

“If the scene was one panel longer we’d see that cat’s monocle pop.” –Dyanmoe, on BlueSky

“Estelle’s vacant stare and incomprehensible invitation to Wilbur shows that Dr. Ed has found the perfect combination between outright sedation and zombie-like bliss in her ketamine dosing.” –Hibbleton

“For the sister of someone who died a sinister death while escaping from Dick Tracy in the 1940s, Croptop looks fantastic. She should stop robbing banks and start marketing her workout routine!” –matt w

“The three of us should get together sometime. Because knowing you’re thinking of me having sex with another man doesn’t do it for me anymore. I want to see your face.” –cheech wizard

“Gonna be straight up here, I really don’t care about the angry entrenched perspectives on what counts as a ‘silly name’ from people called T-Bone and Baleen.” –jroggs

“So wait, has Walt not heard a single word of dialogue since this whole story began? That’s not fair, we should all be that lucky.” –pugfuggly

“Eggs, plural?!?! That means she’s following the instructions for cake-like brownies. CAKE-LIKE! Why not just make cake? This child is evil and must be stopped!” –Old School Allie Cat

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