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Dick Tracy, 9/4/18

Dick Tracy’s approach to depicting crime has always been cartoonish, but usually that means “criminals have hideously deformed crania that could only exist in drawings” and not “drug gangs have laughable names and stake out territory by gently shoving rivals across the street.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/4/18

Seems pretty mean to joke about your brain-injured pal‘s mental deficits, but I guess if you’re recovering from a massive stroke, as this guy clearly is, you’re “allowed” to say it.

Shoe, 9/4/18

I really appreciate that, in today’s installment of “the bird-men of Shoe hate their lives and themselves,” the Perfesser sighs audibly but only thinks about his deep-rooted desire for a total annihilation of self, because if you speak a wish out loud it won’t come true.

Mary Worth, 9/4/18

HELL YES MARY IS GOING TO FIND MEAN OLD MR. WYNTER SOME FRIENDS AND MAYBE A PACK OF FERALS FOR HIS DOG TO JOIN, NOBODY HAS ANY CHOICE IN THE MATTER, MARY HAS SPOKEN

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Slylock Fox, 9/3/18

It’s hard to deny that the new animal regime of which Slylock is the enforcer has a human problem. Humans make up a vanishingly tiny portion of post-animalpocalypse Earth’s sapient population, but it seems like Slylock is constantly being called on to deal with their petty crimes and disputes. Of course, the fact that humans are a despised, impoverished minority who just lost what must have been a bloody and devastating war to the regime has nothing to do with this, so the animals in their benevolence have decided to confine the humans to a beautiful rural area along with the few animals who never made the Change, where they can steal each other’s omelettes in relative peace.

Gil Thorp, 9/3/18

It’s time for the Gil Thorp fall storyline, and the Gil Thorp fall storyline is about insufferable cineastes. Remember a few years back when the local tattoo parlor used bootleg DVDs as a loss leader, except the DVDs turned out not to be bootleg after all? Well, by making cinematic entertainment seem “edgy” and “cool,” that long-departed tattooist planted the virus of cinematic appreciation in the minds of the local youth, and now the kids all have home theaters and 2001 posters and obsessions with mid-’90s indie films and whatnot. I desperately hope we see each and everyone one of these children get repeatedly stuffed into lockers by the football team, who just want to bring pride to the community by tackling people and don’t want to get drawn into tedious arguments about auteur theory.

Dick Tracy, 9/3/18

Hey buddy! I know when you got into the drug-dealing game someone probably said “this stuff sells itself!” but that’s a bit of an exaggeration. You have to at least tell the kids that you’re selling drugs before they’ll buy it. You can’t just lean against a pole thought-ballooning about it!

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Hi and Lois, 9/2/18

Can you imagine if your all-powerful creator diety died? Imagine the sense of mourning, of emptiness that would hang over your whole universe in that scenario. And then you’d have to contemplate the possibility that it was only His constant new acts of creation that kept the world running, and that without that impetus maybe the tide would beging to shift the other way. “Old cartoonists never die. They just erase away,” says Lois, worrying that perhaps her own reality will soon begin to erase itself, removing her and everyone she loves from existence.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/2/18

Well, it looks like Millie was just waiting for one last visit from her high school boyfriend so he knew how hot she was before finally dropping dead. At least she died as she lived: slinging cheap food to ungrateful patrons at a mediocre diner, and dreaming of the day, just around the corner but always out of reach, when she’d be able to retire.

Mary Worth, 9/2/18

Oh, man, it’s a mean old man and his angry dog! He actively refuses Mary’s gift of food! This is going to be her greatest challenge yet! Watch out, Mr. Wynter: your life is about to have the the hell meddled out it. Dead wife? Estranged kids? Prickly exterior makes it hard to make friends? Mary will find your trauma and will force you to process it emotionally until you are fixed.