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Family Circus, 4/9/24

The “fun” of a Dolly Family Circus gag, to the extent that such a thing exists, is often about the gap between her smug, know-it-all affect and her actual knowledge; we see, in a single panel, both her hubris and her comeuppance. The other stock Dolly joke is just her tattling on someone, which is even less fun. Today’s panel is of the first variety, but I’m sorry, this is barely a darnedest thing we’re dealing with here — “hitter” and “header” sound very close or even identical in many English dialects, including in the Baltimore-Philly corridor that is the Keane clan’s ancestral home, and you easily can see why the sense confusion between the two words arises in this context. Sorry, I will not be cruelly mocking an innocent child for this one! (Open to cruelly mocking her at other times, especially in the tattletale strips.)

Crock, 4/9/24

It’s wild that this strip was written probably in like 2004 and was extremely incorrect in its terminology usage then, but today if you just changed “iPod” to “AirPod” it would be exactly right and probably along the lines of what the author was originally thinking of. If we went back and analyzed all the old strips, would we find that Crock was prescient of coming trends? No, absolutely not, why would even think that, get outta here.

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Dick Tracy, 4/8/24

In a lot of ways, it has to be a real pain in the ass to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you have to have some kind of gimmick, and if someone in your family has already established a gimmick, you have to try to riff on it, even if the result is incredibly labored. What if this lady doesn’t even like crop-tops? What if she dreams of wearing comfortable, loose-fitting blouses, but instead she has to do business with her belly showing, and then feels obligated to stick to a rigorous diet and workout regimen to keep her abs shapely and wear a navel ring to draw attention to it to boot? On the other hand, in other ways it’s actually pretty easy to be a criminal in the Dick Tracy universe — like, you can just walk into a bar and say “Hey, I’m doing some crimes, anyone else want to do crimes with me?” and a lot of people will cheerfully sign up.

Judge Parker, 4/8/24

Wow, big news, everybody! Randy is sick of this same story happening over and over and over again, so he’s shutting down the Judge Parker newspaper strip. RIP Judge Parker, 1952-2024, you taught me it was OK to be weird, but not in, like, an interesting way.

Mary Worth, 4/8/24

HE’S NOT LADY, HE VERY MUCH IS NOT, PLEASE DO NOT ENCOURAGE AND/OR HAVE SEX WITH HIM

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/7/24

Hagar has pelted this prophetic orb into the Duke’s castle and it has thoroughly demoralized the defenders by showing them their inevitable defeat — but that defeat will only occur because the vision it offers them of the future has caused them to give up all hope! This is proof that, despite being illiterate and unable to read a simple blueprint, Hagar’s deep connection to Norse mysticism makes him a formidable thinker and master of uncanny strategies of war.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/7/24

I’m sorry, did you find this story about the Count’s mobility issues boring? Well, you’re in the minority. A lot of people want to hear about his walking boot! It says so right there in the strip!

Rhymes With Orange, 4/7/24

Good news! Every time you create a snowman, it’s imbued with a soul! Bad news: the snowmen suffer and die every spring as they melt. But, good news: Their souls are instantly transported to paradise upon their death! The question of whether you will be judged when your own death comes for setting in motion this cycle of suffering and redemption every winter is left as a theological exercise for the reader.