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Hello all! It’s the first Friday of 2019, which means it’s the first Friday of the month, which means the Internet Read Aloud, the live comedy show I host, is happening in Los Angeles, tonight! We have a stellar lineup, so you really should come!

Here’s the Facebook event! If your New Year’s resolution is to leave the house more, now’s your chance! It’s FREE!

And here’s your comment of the first, admittedly truncated, week of the year!

“Les Soldats: ‘SURPRISE!’ [Background music: La Marseillaise] Le Crock: ‘What? You guys. What is this?’ Les Soldats: ‘We planned a coup for you! You’re the President of the Sixth Republic now!’ [Les Soldats begin to sing: Do you hear, in the countryside, the roar of those ferocious soldiers? They’re coming right into your arms to cut the throats of your sons, your women!] Le Crock: ‘You guys are the best. Round up the usual suspects — communists and foreigners. The executions start in ten minutes.’” –Voshkod

And your hilarious runners up!

“For a minute, I thought Ian was relaxing by reading LAM! magazine, the go-to periodical for the aspiring convict-on-the-run. But then I realized that that would be a potentially interesting plot development, and therefore against the law in Santa Royale.” –Dmsilev

“I would have thought that Dick Tracy and not Gil Thorp would be the last man standing in the War on Christmas. Maybe they are trying to capture a different kind of readers. Gil Thorp offers underage, masculine beefcake for the traditional conservative reader, while Dick Tracy believes that now that Tumblr has a new censorship, it could become the most prominent platform for grotesque erotica.” –Ettore

“The eyelines in that Christmas strip are fascinating. We see Kelly staring at Kaz with mistletoe, begging for at least a little physical intimacy. But Kaz’s eyes are locked on Gil. Even when they’re not working out, he can’t keep his eyes off his spotting partner.” –Jenna

“I sincerely hope that everybody in this strip is a cop, and the story ends in a massive reciprocal arrest-o-thon.” –Uncle Lumpy

“With your calm demeanor and general lack of affect, you’d make an excellent hostage.” –Peanut Gallery

“If a student is late with homework and flunking tests, why would the teacher go to see Gil about it instead of talking with the student? Gil can’t be bothered even to do his own job, much less someone else’s!” –seismic-2

“Let’s all just be thankful that it’s the coffee request that confused the mayor, and not the also somewhat ambiguous ‘dumps yo trash.’” –pugfuggly

“For another, Otto’s like, fifteen pounds max, and you want to put him in a position where everyone will be trying to tackle him? Don’t you care about your dog at all, Sarge?” –JJ48

Thanks to everyone who became a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter to get an banner-ad-free site, put some scratch in my tip jar, or backed me on Patreon!. And we need to give a big shout-out to our advertisers:

• Ghosts Are Assholes: James Kirst is a new author with a new novel entitled Ghosts Are Assholes, a different kind of ghost story, that he thinks you’ll love so why not read a free preview to see if you agree. Learn more about it on his site and while you’re there, why not check out one of his short stories too?

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Gasoline Alley, 1/4/19

One of the slow-burn running gags (“gags”) in Gasoline Alley is that Rufus, who I would describe as a “comically moronic rustic,” is in love with Mayor Melba, who is also his boss. It’s funny because he’s a comical moron, and she’s the mayor! Except today we learn that Melba herself is not terribly bright, or at least has some fairly specific deficits when it comes to language processing. So she and Rufus can be together after all! Hooray! This is great news for all those Melbus shippers Ruba stans people out there who are rooting for Rufus and Melba to get together, a constituency I have faith actually exists,

Mary Worth, 1/4/19

“But I am worried, Mary! Worried that I’m going to have to develop feelings for him! Is this what it’s come to? That I can’t just be married to Ian, but I have to like him, too?”

Beetle Bailey, 1/4/19

Who could forget the classic 1997 film Air Bud, with its hilarious and memorable catchphrase, “Ain’t no rules says a dog can’t play basketball!” Well, what if, in the subsequent scenes, the characters discovered that while technically there isn’t a specific rule preventing dogs from playing basketball or other organized sports, there are a whole host of rules — about minimum ages, regulation uniforms, ball-handling techniques, and the like — that dogs by their very nature are incapable of satisfying? Wouldn’t that be … even funnier? Probably, says Beetle Bailey!

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Psst! Mary Worth fans! Mary Worth And Me, the indispensable blog from faithful reader Wanders, is once again showcasing the best of the past year’s worth of Mary Worth in its annual Worthy Awards! You can vote in such important categories as “Outstanding Performance by an Inconsequential Character,” “Panel of the Year,” and, of course, the coveted “Outstanding Performance by a Floating Head.” Your vote matters, so vote soon!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/3/19

Doc Pritchard sure looks pretty beat down by his lot in that second panel, doesn’t he? I wonder if he’s depressed because of his continuing failure to make Hootin’ Holler’s residents aware of how unhealthy a diet heavy in smoked meats can be — or if he’s actually succeeded, but his canny patients are now paying him in a currency that’s rapidly devaluing as a result of his efforts. In other, less surprising news, the rutted byways of Hootin’ Holler are clogged with roaming packs of semi-feral dogs.

Crock, 1/3/19

Crock’s Foreign Legion detachment is based in an isolated fort surrounded by a hostile, barely subjugated colonial population, and so it probably relies on supplies from the metropole to avoid starvation. A violent overthrow of the fort’s commanding officer, no matter how cruel and incompetent he might be, will certainly be seen as an act of rebellion against the French Republic, and so our heroes are likely to be cut off from any outside support, at least until they can successfully negotiate an amnesty. Thus, the coup plotters need to ensure that the fort’s cook and his staff are on their side and prepared for the hardship to come! But they’re being kind of half-assed about it, in my opinion.

Mark Trail, 1/3/19

When your child and his friend are in danger and you ask a police officer if he has good news about them, you definitely want the sentence to begin with “Yes,” and definitely do not want the sentence to end with “…in case it turns into a hostage situation.”

Gil Thorp, 1/3/19

Oh, man, is Mike Filion being super annoying all time time with his obsessive references to That ’70s Show because he’s … too horny? Coach Kaz is going to investigate, and it’s gonna get real uncomfortable!