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Your top comment? It’s here!

“Hey, guy in the back, that’s no way to hold a sign! You have your right hand on one end of the sign and your left hand squarely in the middle, so it’s completely unbalanced. You’re really going to have to struggle to keep holding it, without some support on the other end. Do you know nothing about ‘the principle of moments’? Have you never heard of the concept of ‘torque’? And yet you have the audacity to claim that you’re a source of information???” –seismic-2

Your runners up? They’re ready for you!

“Everyone is picturing varying levels of Having A Bad Time in ‘the real world’ (math is hard, job’s not that great, getting bullied, getting rabies, dying alone wandering through an endless wood) except Momma Keane, who is cleaning up everyone else’s shit at home but imagining an uneventful but probably pleasantly boring grocery trip. The domestic labor gap is real.” –Cornelius Disaster

“Today’s Blondie is dangerously specific about what Dagwood does for a living. Usually they keep it vague to avoid angry letter-writing campaigns from their readers who loathe auditoriums.” –matt w

“Time is money, Bumstead … but we still need to stall for at least two throwaway panels.” –TheDiva

“Katherine, I have to plunge out there into the outside world and show everyone my ridiculous hat!” –Bob Tice

“If it’s not banned by Congress, TikTokers will inevitably stumble upon old vaudeville acts and, like that short-lived sea-shanty craze in early 2021, make that a trend. Too bad the creators of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith won’t find out about it until six months after it dies off, and fail to create animated shorts from their archive of material to get renewed interest in this century old strip.” –Philip

“Alan is going to the movies every day, just in case Ann shows up there. Ann likes movies, right? ‘THE POPCORN COSTS ALONE ARE GOING TO BANKRUPT US, ALAN!’ ‘KUNG FU PANDA 4 IS OUT! ANN LOVES JACK BLACK AND SHE NEEDS HER FAMILY, KATHERINE!’” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Mary, I enjoy every day I spend with you. Which is what, two days a year? Three if we’re counting Christmas.” –Schroduck

“Okay, so that’s the villain in panel one. You can tell because he’s ugly, and he’s drinking, and he has poor trigger discipline. In the Deep Woods, only one man is allowed to violate the 4 Cardinal Rules of Firearm Safety, and he wears Lycra to do it!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Is it just me or has Jeff’s face suddenly become grotesquely swollen? I hope so because the possibility that he’s suddenly allergic to coffee or crackers or candles and his experiencing anaphylaxis without either him or Mary noticing is more plausible and interesting than this conversation they’re having.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“Being in nature gives me such peace. Like the Botanic Garden. Everyone plant carefully in its place, trimmed and cut back when it grows too much, invasive plants and animals ruthlessly destroyed, everything planned and pruned and perfect, just like nature itself. It’s like the poet said, Mary: ‘Nature, led to root without flaw.’” –Voshkod

“‘So you’ve drawn a dog before, right?’ ‘Sure have. Look!’ [Incoherent Screaming]” –Old Man Shadow

“We’ve entered the perpetual death loop now. Mary and Jeff worked up an appetite on their earlier walk, so they went to eat at the Bum Boat, but now they want to walk off their meal with a leisurely stroll, which will result in them working up an appetite again, so they’ll return to the Bum Boat for a bite or stop by Mary’s kitchen for muffins, then they’ll need another digestive amble, and on and on it will go forever. They’re not even talking about Keith anymore, but on the bright side, they’re not talking about Keith anymore.” –jroggs

“I can’t remember Gil ever wearing a suit while coaching … anything. I can’t remember him coaching either, so I have to assume he’s scheming with this person to steal a car from the valet parking.” –Kevin on Earth

“While running at high speed, Gertie is sticking her head out of the car window and tailgates the car immediately in front of her. The only thing she learned from NASCAR is that car accidents are simply part of the game.” –Ettorre

“If you ever wondered what couples say to each other immediately before completing a suicide pact, now you know.” –Hibbleton

“Knowing that there would be a full moon that evening, did Mary and Jeff google quotes about light and darkness before their date, or are they old enough that they pulled out their respective copies Bartlett’s Quotations?” –Weaselboy

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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/24

The most menaced person here is the guy in the background, who spent all day hand-painting this snazzy retro “Information” sign and was just about to proudly show it off to his boss. You just know she’s going to be like “Enh, the kid’s right, maybe it’s a little much.”

Tina’s Groove, 3/22/24

Diving into the world of Tina’s Groove, I’m finding that it’s not just about Tina’s friend, who’s an alcoholic, but actually about alcoholics in general.

Mary Worth, 3/22/24

Jeff, Mary, I can assure you pretty firmly that Gandhi and Desmond Tutu did not have a comfortable retired couple looking out at the moonlit ocean from the boardwalk of their exclusive beachside community in mind when they said these things. I implore you to research what they were actually talking about! You’ve got the free time!

Beetle Bailey, 3/22/24

“He’s super dead. We’re free, Killer! Free!”

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Gearhead Gertie, 3/21/24

Gearhead Gertie is another new strip I’ve been reading. It’s about Gertie, an old lady who’s monomaniacally hyperfocused on NASCAR and auto racing to the extent that she’s alienated her friends and family. “But Josh,” you’re probably saying, “As a coastal elitist, how am I supposed to appreciate all the jokes about the minutiae of NASCAR, a sport I definitely don’t follow?” Well, good news: each strip gives you all the information you need to appreciate the punchline. For instance, you might not understand why Gertie would call up some guy and ask for his glove because she wants an aerodynamic advantage in traffic, but fortunately, you can quickly see that said guy is named Logano (because his chair is labeled with his name) and that he recently used his webbed gloved to gain an aerodynamic advantage (because he appears to have just moments ago been reading about himself in the newspaper), presumably (you can be pretty sure from the context, which is a comic strip about auto racing) in an auto race of some kind. This saves you the trouble of reading the “Controversy” section of Logano’s Wikipedia article, though you might still want to do some research to learn, say, what his first name is (I myself did not bother).

Gil Thorp, 3/21/24

Gil’s coaching stylings are always a great way to track his mood swings. Now that he’s gotten his groove back, sexually, we’re going to be seeing more of “fun Gil,” and you know what that means: zany trickeration plays! I certainly hope the Milford marching band has “Yakety Sax” ready to go for situations like this.

Mary Worth, 3/21/24

The current Rex Morgan, M.D., storyline is about how old people shouldn’t be too proud to use mobility aids, and that’s what said old people need to hear — but is it what they want to hear? Wouldn’t they rather hear that at some point you might need a cane that you give a goofy nickname to, in order to mask your anger at being betrayed by your own body when in your mind you’re still young and vital, but eventually you’ll get a new artist who makes you look 15 years younger and/or you’ll realize that you’re a doctor who can prescribe yourself the good stuff so you don’t feel any pain or really anything at all anymore, and then your can just laugh off a joke about jogging and not seethe with resentment over it? Sounds a lot more inspiring, doesn’t it? A lot more fun!

Hagar the Horrible, 3/21/24

A fun fact is that, at the first-ever Bayreuth Festival in 1876, costume designer Carl Emil Doepler put horned helmets on the Germanic folklore characters in a production of Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen, and that created largely false stereotypes of both “what Vikings wore” and “what opera singers wear on stage” that has lasted nearly 150 years. I just think it’s neat to see both tropes come together like this.