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Spider-Man, 12/11/17

Oh, hey, remember how MJ was on the verge of being falling victim to the various reptiles that live in the Everglades? The normal ones, not people turned into lizards because they’re trying to grow their arms back or whatever. Anyway, she’s been rescued by … this rugged khaki-clad outdoorsman! Once again my extreme disinterest in Marvel comics leaves me blissfully unaware of who this guy is, which makes it fun for me to speculate. Is he a new character created for this Newspaper Spider-Man storyline? Or is he one of Marvel’s deep bench of third-tier superheroes and/or villains, with a name like … Swamp Fellow, or Reptile Fighter, or the Vigilante Park Ranger, or Our Lawyers Assure Us He Doesn’t Infringe Upon Steve Irwin’s Life Rights Man? Whatever the case, he’s sure to get his own Marvel Cinematic Universe movie or at least a Netflix series by 2021!

Slylock Fox, 12/11/17

“…and you, Shady, are using latex paint!” Slylock proclaimed. “Anyone who knows basic chemistry would know you were the culprit! I arrest you in the name of forest environmental law!” The detective was so busy feeling smug that he barely noticed the frog collapse quietly in the the grass, the rubber paint having thoroughly coated his permeable, breathing skin.

Six Chix, 12/11/17

I have to give a shout-out to Six Chix for simultaneously and largely successfully going two different directions with this joke: imagining the “rat race” in terms of adorable rats with tiny medals and little tank tops, and painting us a picture of a surging, seething mass of rodents, just a nightmarish rat flood that cannot be stopped or escaped.

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Mary Worth, 12/10/17

Ah, now we know why Wilbur couldn’t go out to eat with Dawn: He had decided to settle down in his comfy clothes and give Iris what she had been missing, which is to say Wilbur! He calls her in his robe because he’s offering dinner but he’s expecting her to say that he should just come to her apartment right away and let her run her hands all over his body, from his ankle stubble to his combover. Anyway, if Mary Worth just wants to show us Wilbur’s heart being broken, over and over again, you better believe I’m 100% on board.

Dick Tracy, 12/10/17

I feel like the fact that Honeymoon Tracy and Mr. Bribery’s niece are friends has been established earlier but I don’t actually remember the details, like if either them knows the other one is on the other side of the law family-wise or what. I just want to point out that despite Neo-Chicago’s notorious Tough On Crime policies, the MALL is still a violent Scorsese-esque nightmare, with dudes weilding enormous knives just lurking in hallways waiting to rob unsuspecting teens.

Dennis the Menace, 12/10/17

Not sure what’s more menacing: Dennis casually admitting that he knows the Wilsons are increasingly senile and don’t notice when he takes their stuff, or Dennis putting a guilt trip on his mom when she tries to sneak out for a few blessed hours of non-Dennis time.

Family Circus, 12/10/17

The kids look like they’re about to beat Big Daddy Keane into a Christmas gang.

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Mary Worth, 12/9/17

Aw, Wilbur’s come back to town with the intention of winning his old love back, if “implementing his last-ditch murder-suicide plan” counts as winning his old love back, which, for the record, it very much does not.

Mark Trail, 12/9/17

That is definitely the face of a man who spent a long trans-Atlantic flight with a whole bunch of extremely pointy diamonds in his lower GI tract.