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Crock, 5/16/26

This is one of those Rodney Dangerfield-style one-liners that sort of makes sense when you first hear it but just kind of falls apart the more you think about it. You’re tellin’ me the waiter … mails you your fortune? Is that because you’re such a contemptible figure that he doesn’t want to interact with you? But if so, how did you get the rest of your meal? Or, is it because the fortune itself is so toxic and terrifying it needs to be conveyed with the utmost of care? But if that’s the case, wouldn’t mailing it involve more contact with the fortune than just swiftly walking it into the dining area and handing it off to the customer? And why get dozens of innocent postal workers involved? If only the comics were a visual medium that could shed some light on this, but no, according to iron-bound convention, this joke must be relayed by three identical drawings of a guy saying it at us.

Shoe, 5/16/26

I’m all for this wholesome depiction of Skyler and his teammate engaged in the time-honored tradition of remembering some guys, though I’m curious as to whether this other dude just blurted out a commonly known Charles Barkley fact or if there was some lead-up to it. My big complaint though is that they’re sitting in chairs. I know that’s probably “realistic” about high school sports of whatever, but if Skyler is complaining via baroque wordplay about always being on the bench, in the sense of being held in reserve during a basketball game and never getting any playing minutes, they should show him sitting on a bench, in the sense of the big long wooden thing that multiple people can sit on.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 5/16/26

“Old people! They’re our main audience now! Is this the kind of slop you hogs like? I mean, uh, is this the sort of representation you fine people find respectful?” –the Mother Goose and Grimm creative team, I guess

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Here it is! Real quick! Your top comment! Of this whole dang week!

“I love how Tommy greets everything in life like a fresh-born baby. He got off drugs when a pharmacist told him that there were treatments for addiction, and he reacted like it was the first he ever heard of such a thing. Now he’s looking at the photos in a barber shop and thinking, ‘Wait, so hair … can be cut, and even styled? Wow, that actually explains so much.’” –Dan

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I am so angry at Judge Parker (both the strip and the character) for making me sympathize with Judge Parker for making a sandwich. It’s literally the most relatable thing he’s ever done.” –Drew, on BlueSky

“For a comic that’s mostly just people yapping at each other, the characters of Judge Parker don’t seem to communicate that well.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“Judging by the way those animals are leering at each other, they’re not about to allow the Keane’s puritanically revisionist ‘one of every animal’ policy stop their forty days and forty nights of fornication.” –Guts Dozier

“I can’t believe that Luann is into retro 80s pop culture, because that would be a personality trait and she has proven herself to be completely unburdened of those.” –TheDiva

“Bernice, you’ve been living with Luann’s family for six years now. Your goal all along has obviously been to replace your ‘friend’ and be the responsible, sensible daughter that Nancy and Frank have never had. So let Luann move in with her gentleman friend. THIS IS GOOD NEWS FOR YOU!” –Joe Blevins

“A lot of great facial expressions on display in today’s panel. We have a content kitten, the world’s smuggest giraffe, a horse who is clearly up to no good, an elephant worried by the things he can never forget, and a confused but enthusiastic frog. (Obviously the implication is that these are all toys, but I prefer to imagine that these are real creatures the Keane children recruited from some psychedelic, half-imagined hell-world.) Even Mama Keane is getting in on the facial expression action, with a sly grin that is an entirely inappropriate reactions to these two’s sub-antics. I suspect she’s just pleased that they are surprisingly open to the idea of being set adrift on the open ocean, which will make things easier when she sets into motion her plan to rid the house of its redheaded population once and for all.” –Vulpes

“I don’t know. I just feel like, if I was presented a deep fried, seasoned, battered slice of human flesh on a bun, I couldn’t tell you with any certainty if I had known the guy. Clearly Mr. Merking is running a scam to get his sandwich on the house.” –Vanya

“I love the teacher’s horrified expression in the last panel. ‘My God, this child has realized the pointlessness of what we’re doing here! This changes everyth– oh, wait, the teacher’s union runs this state. Sit down and shut up, kid.’” –A Grave Mind

“Momma said I should be more worried about sun poisoning.” –Lauralot

“God, these interviews are tedious. Stupid ugly high school athletes. How many more of these are there? Does that line ever end? How long have I been here? Feels like eternity. Are these kids getting weirder looking? How come the clouds aren’t moving? Oh. Oh, god. We didn’t survive that car crash, and I’m in my ironic hell.” –Voshkod

“Iconic body language from Marvin’s grandpa, here! He may be sitting on a park bench in the sunshine with his grandson, but by jing, he’s pissed about it!” –Victor Von

“I’ve always put my grandpa on a pedestal. But he keeps climbing back down. All his complaints about having arthritis are baloney!” –Peanut Gallery

“Little does Rusty know that saying an exclamation mark out loud is considered an act of aggression by raccoons. They usually respond by ripping their adversary’s face off while saying a grawlix.” –Weaselboy

“That’s actually a chicken-proof cap — the FDA wanted to be sure there were no more opioids in the egg supply. (Why do you think people were willing to pay $8 per dozen?)” –BigTed

“Tommy is walking aimlessly down a street, staring blankly, and becomes fascinated by the front of a barbershop. Pretty sure the ‘whether to do drugs’ decision was made at least fifteen minutes ago.” –Where’s Rocky?

“That’s a cool looking front … I’m positive the gangsters who run this ‘barber shop’ are looking for drug runners.” –2+2=7

“I am a bit surprised that Mary Worth will be the first legacy comic to address looksmaxxing.” –Everything Is Better With Monkeys

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/15/26

Oh, I had sort of forgotten that Lonnie didn’t just turn to blackmail because he was evil; he was actually acting out of financial desperation, which hasn’t gone away just because Mae Mae decided she doesn’t care about privacy, actually. Ha ha, look at him burying his face in his hands as his world falls apart around him! This scheme was his last hope!

Alice, 5/15/26

Part of the whole deal of newspaper comics is that their characters are at least a little bit silly. Are they really qualified to opine on the big issues of the day? Shouldn’t they simply sit silently and learn more about all this complicated stuff from their betters on cable news talk shows?

Mary Worth, 5/15/26

Tommy! No! No!! Not your beautiful locks! Please don’t take this route to self-harm! Do drugs instead! Do all the drugs you want!