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Shoe, 10/23/26

As I move into my late middle age, I definitely have spent time pondering my legacy, and feeling increasingly proud of the decades of abstruse sex jokes about Mary Worth that I will leave behind me, to the amusement of a select but hopefully happy few. I think more artisans leave such specialized work in their wake than we often recognize! For instance, the journeyman behind Shoe is, without a doubt, history’s premier artist for depicting bird-men who react to ostensible joke dialogue by looking genuinely and sincerely depressed. This isn’t funny, Roz! She was his friend, and now she’s dead! If you think about it, there are quite a few ways they could’ve gotten to this punchline that don’t involve Clara Higgins passing away, but when you have this kind of depressed-bird-man-drawing-talent available, you don’t waste it.

Mary Worth, 10/23/26

Speaking of abstruse sex jokes about Mary Worth, I know we’re supposed to take Mary’s “negative thoughts” as referring to her troubled imagining of who could’ve been spreading rumors about her, but come on, she’s thinking about sex with Ian, right? Like, nobody wants to think about sex with Ian Cameron, but once it’s been suggested to you, it’s hard to avoid thinking about. You’re thinking about it right now. Don’t try to tell me you’re not.

Alice, 10/23/26

BIG NEWS: We have learned the name of Alice’s boyfriend, and it’s … Steve? Huh. Huh. Wouldn’t have guessed that, I admit. Guy doesn’t look like a Steve, but I suppose the world isn’t always what you expect. Oh, also, they finally met the aliens that live under her floorboards or whatever. She and Steve did. “Steve.” Still doesn’t sound right, sorry.

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Mary Worth, 10/22/26

I guess we all could’ve guessed that if someone was going to ruin this pleasant evening by blurting out something about the vicious rumors that had been going around the condo about Mary and Ian, that someone was going to be a Weston, right? It’s nice to see that father and daughter are coming together here to engage in their shared hobby: being socially inept in ways that make other people feel bad. Also, I just want to say that absolutely nothing they’ve seen here tonight disproves any of the rumors they’ve heard! What, do they think that guys who are cheating on their wives never take said wives to nice dinners and on elaborate and expensive vacations, as compensation in their own mental accounting or, if the wife found out she was being cheated on, as an apology? Do Wilbur and Dawn not know how infidelity works? Well, infidelity is a type of human interpersonal relationship, so the answer is obviously “no.”

Pickles, 10/22/26

It’s great to have a true intimate friend in your old age who you can ask big, searching questions like “What’s your biggest regret in life?” This is the sort of person you know so well so you can be sure that they’re going to answer with some kind of goofy vaudeville bit rather than actually tell you what their biggest regret in life is, which would almost certainly turn out to be a huge downer.

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Pluggers, 10/21/26

Man, I don’t know, this one is pretty grim even for Pluggers. Like, my elementary school was in Buffalo, NY — a place I hold in a great deal of affection, but it’s not what you’d call one of the more prosperous places in America — and the building has been converted into condos. Other people might find the site of their old school now occupied by a strip mall, or a parking lot, or the town dump, something reflecting continued local economic activity of some sort. But where pluggers grew up and went to school? They’re just tearing it all down and leaving nothing behind. Letting the whole area revert to prairie and evacuating the residents. This place is not a place of honor. No highly esteemed deed is commemorated here.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/21/26

We’re on day three of Augie lowering Summer’s expectations about what his book getting optioned might mean. Today’s topic: What if, against all odds, they do make a movie or a TV show out of your book, and it sucks? Totally a thing that could happen! I mean, lots of movies and TV shows are pretty bad, when you think about it. And, be honest with yourself: is your book even any good in the first place? Maybe just cash those little checks when they come in and be thankful!

Dick Tracy, 10/21/26

“Well, let’s see, I’m wearing an all-white uniform and an old-timey nurse’s cap, and carrying the patriarch of the house around, so, uh, I’m gonna let you take a second to come to some conclusions for yourself about what exactly my role is, detective.”