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Marmaduke
Family Circus, 7/30/10
Rarely have I been more disgusted with a smile plastered all over Jeffy’s grotesque and unnaturally horizontal face. One can’t fault a child for hurling a rock at the ocean, but surely the vandalistic joy and apparent sense of achievement he feels as a result of this act are worthy of censure? I censure him. FEEL MY WRATH, JEFFY!
Mary Worth, 7/30/10
OK, so maybe Mary isn’t a “licensed therapist” per se, but you have to admit she’s making great progress with Dr. Mike. Just yesterday he was punching himself in the head; now he’s more healthily directing that anger outwards, engaging in fisticuffs with his invisible absent father.
Marmaduke, 7/30/10
“And sometimes he barks out demonic incantations so as to raise an nightmare army of walking corpses that will do his awful bidding!”
Wizard of Id, 7/24/10
If you need an enormous interpanel onomatopoeia representing an action that is essentially silent in order to make your joke clear, perhaps you should just start over from scratch.
Crock, 7/24/10
The new edgier Crock is also experimenting with narrative forms: today we see the waiter who is enraging Grossie by flirting with her friend instead of taking their order, while behind him we can already see the the blood that will soon festoon the walls when Grossie acts on her anger.
Dick Tracy, 7/24/10
Dick Tracy is tired of his little bon mots going unappreciated by his wife, and so is just going to thought-balloon his gnomic tough-guyisms from now on.
Marmaduke, 7/24/10
Do you really want to draw attention to what’s going on here, Mr. Lifeguard? “Four local children eaten by shark” would be an awful headline, but at least it falls into a realm that people can understand. “Four local children eaten by nightmarish demon-hound pretending to be shark” would be so incomprehensibly terrifying that it would be certain to set off a total panic.
Ziggy, 7/24/10
Ziggy’s dog has been aggressively stalking Jim Davis, for some reason.
Funky Winkerbean, 6/30/10
So I’ve been getting lots of emails that boil down to “OMG WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING ABOUT FUNKY WINKERBEAN???” Well, because the strip is still methodically setting up whatever narratively interesting and sure-to-be-depressing plot will follow from Funky’s near-death (or possibly actual death) experience, in ways that don’t really lend themselves to humorous commentary. But, for those who simply must hear my take, it appears that we’re either going to get a glimpse of a world in which Funky never existed (i.e., It’s A Funkerful Life) or some kind of time travel plot (in either the Funky Sue Got Married or Funk To The Future variants). I promise to come back to this the next time the strip is interesting, which may be tomorrow, or never.
Meanwhile, to punish you for your pushiness, I will show you a Mark Trail villain talking dirty.
Panel from Mark Trail, 6/30/10
I hope you’ve learned your lesson!
Marmaduke, 6/30/10
This is very thoughtful of the vet tech! It would be quite harrowing for anyone else with an appointment today to bring their pets in to the vet, only to stumble on to the scene of unspeakable carnage that Marmaduke will inevitably leave in his wake.
Gasoline Alley, 6/30/10
I’m not sure what’s sadder: that Gasoline Alley is including as a plot point an ipecac-induced-vomiting trap; that the syndicate editor decided that a footnote was necessary, because nobody under the age of 50 knows what ipecac is; or that the syndicate editor believes that people under the age of 50 read Gasoline Alley.
Mary Worth, 6/17/10
The best thing about today’s Mary Worth is that the handsome young man in Mary’s thought balloon has an entirely different hair color than our Dr. Roberts. There are two hilarious possibilities as to why. Perhaps Mary’s mind is starting to go, and she can’t really remember what her acquaintances look like and just gets them mixed up with people she saw on TV. Or maybe the entire Dr. Roberts sequence was a narrative red herring, and she’s planning to match Jenna up with someone else entirely. “I think this sullen young woman and ol’ ‘Black Irish’ Donoghue might make an acceptable couple! Obviously I’ll be saving that yummy doctor for myself.”
The other best thing about today’s Mary Worth is how deeply upset Jenna looks by the turn this conversation has taken. “Wait, wait, is this old bag trying to set me up with somebody? Oh, hell no. I should know better than to make eye contact with anyone at any of these damn geezer parties.”
Marmaduke, 10/17/10
Ha ha, protest all you want, Phil, but Marmaduke demands your utmost obedience and worship, today and every day, lest you end up a meal, like the neighbors that you’ve carefully prepared and served up to him this afternoon. The infant’s femur bone decorating the lid of the serving tray is a particularly gruesome touch.
Mark Trail, 10/17/10
Sassy doesn’t look too concerned by these developments! Perhaps she’s eager for the sweet embrace of death, if the alternative is going back to live with Rusty.
Archie, 10/17/10
Wow, a tire being replaced by a skateboard! That would sure be mildly amusing to see! But you could just show us … Betty and Reggie talking about it … I guess … wait, did this Archie strip actually make me want to see a lame visual gag that I almost certainly would have sneered at, had it just been depicted in a straightforward fashion? Clever, very clever.
Apartment 3-G, 6/7/10
Ha ha, did you think that Ari was talking to his pill-popping love Bobbie, who he just weeks ago bundled off to some private upstate nuthouse? Don’t be silly; obviously he would recognize her voice on the phone, and surely no facility that specializes in making the problematic relations of rich people conveniently go away would allow its patients any method of communication with the outside world. No, I think we have to assume that the Professor has been sending out thousands of emails that begin with “Dear One: Do you want h1gh-quality prescription MEDZ, cheap?” and has finally managed to snag a customer.
Herb and Jamaal, 6/7/10
We’ve already established that Herb’s marriage fills him with nothing but dread, so it’s probably to be expected that Herb will plunge his living room into total darkness not so that he can get amorous with his wife, but so that he doesn’t have to see her.
Marmaduke, 6/7/10
A “face-off” with Marmaduke generally ends with somebody getting his or her face bitten off.
Oh, and hey, you know what? If Mark Trail is going to keep showing us day after day of Rusty face-horror, then I fully intend to keep sharing it with you, at full magnification:
Panel from Mark Trail, 6/7/10
Rusty’s eyes, having once shone with a terrifying inky dark light, have now shriveled down to tiny pits, and his cheeks have grown hollow with grief. He pretty much looks like the guy from “The Scream,” after he’s stopped screaming.
Lockhorns, 4/29/10
You’ve probably wondered: what would be a fouler expression of marital loathing than Loretta killing people and cooking them to feed to her unsuspecting husband? Hiring someone to dig up mouldering corpses from the graveyard, which she then cooks and feeds to her unsuspecting husband? Yeah, that sounds about right. Thanks goodness for his discriminating palate!
Crock, 4/29/10
Usually I’m annoyed by comics that just present two or more characters standing around describing things rather than actually depicting the action. But I have to say that I would much rather see two poorly drawn Legionnaires looking at a white square while standing in a mysterious numbered tube than see a new bride and groom being pelted with bloody chicken viscera in a scene of unimaginable horror, so big thanks to Crock!
Mark Trail, 4/29/10
Cherry has apparently decided that the root cause of the Trails’ terrible sex life is Mark’s terror of sensuality of any sort. Before he can be expected to serve as a satisfying sexual partner to her, he must first start from square one and “work on” himself — possibly while Cherry watches.
Marmaduke, 4/29/10
In I Samuel 18, we learn that the young David, in order to win the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal, had to provide as a bride-price 100 Philistine foreskins. In order to ascend to the dignity of Demon-King of Earth, Marmaduke must prove himself a more gruesome killer than even the Biblical patriarchs.
Mary Worth, 4/29/10
Mary’s thought balloon today begins The Smuggening, which is crucial, as she can only effectively meddle in the lives of others from a place of superiority. “I also grew up poor, and yet my condo unit isn’t cluttered with stacks of boxes! Hmm, how sad that not everyone has my fortitude of character.”
Pluggers, 4/29/10
Pluggers have nowhere in particular to go and nobody to see, so why not show up for appointments 45 minutes early? The nice lady at the doctor’s certainly can’t leave the her desk, so if I say things to her while I’m waiting, she’ll probably have to talk to me!