Main content:

Comics archive! Gasoline Alley

Mostly terrible children Tuesday

Dennis the Menace, 1/5/16

“Look, mom, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you reading bedtime stories to me. It’s just that books are boring and TV is better, and I have no intention of learning how to read or engaging in any sort of entertainment that requires conscious effort on my part. Why, if my own brain could just auto-generate amusing imagery for me, that’d be the best! Dreams are great and all, but they only work when I’m asleep. Are there any pills I could take or anything along those lines that could create dream-like images for me? I’m definitely going to spend most of my energy as an adult looking for them!” As ever, A+ menacing work, as Alice’s look of concern makes very clear.

Gasoline Alley, 1/5/16

Gasoline Alley just spent like five God-damned weeks going on and on about scrapbooking, so the least they can do is linger a bit here and let us enjoy a few days of Boog’s parents sweatily trying and failing to work up the nerve to explain sex to him.

Pluggers, 1/5/16

Pluggers are horrified by the idea of “ingredients” that you “cook” to produce “meals,” and prefer to only buy things you can consume right out of the box or bag without even heating up.

Ringing in the New Year with Old Comics!

Happy 2016, everyone! As is my tradition, I begin the new year by catching everyone up on the week’s worth of comics that I skipped while travelling, because I am nothing if not servicey. It’s good to have traditions this time of year!

Gil Thorp, 12/25/15

The Thorps have this tradition where they pose for a Christmas card, and try very strenuously to pretend that they never had hideous children, no sir, it’s always just been the two of them, those ugly little twerps certainly aren’t buried under the backyard shed right now, why would you even think that.

Mark Trail, 12/25/15

People have all sorts of holiday traditions! A cab driver told me yesterday his family always buys new green underwear to wear on New Years for good luck! Other people like to gently pick bats off of cave walls on Christmas morning! Life is a rich tapestry!

Gasoline Alley, 12/26/15

At least this holiday season settled an age-old question: is there a loving God? Clearly not, because if there were, He would not allow this endless, insanely tedious scrapbooking storyline to continue.

Curtis, 12/26/15

BUT WAIT! A KWANZAA STORYLINE IN CURTIS! Except … it doesn’t take place in some mythical African setting but instead stars an ordinary teen with fairly standard aspirations in the contemporary United States? This offers very little opportunity for, say, bat-winged bears or giant telepathic otters, so, nope, life is still terrible.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/29/15

Sarah’s plan to skip the first grade by marching into her new school, waving her horsey drawings around over her head and shouting “I’m an artist, damn it! An artist! I know how to feed myself!” should be extremely hilarious to watch.

Gasoline Alley, 12/30/15

Nnngghhnnggghghgh, this is still happening??? Here’s some sad news, Boog: forget a hundred years from now, we stopped caring about you weeks ago.

Curtis, 12/30/15

GOD DAMN IT, KWANZAA IS ABOUT WEIRD GIANT MONSTERS, IT ISN’T ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA AND VIRAL VIDEOS, THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN NO KWANZAA STORY AT ALL

Gil Thorp, 12/31/15

On the other hand, I do like Gil Thorp plots that revolve around social media and viral videos! Remember when Gil got hit on the head with a baseball and YouTube went nuts for it? Remember when the kids read about sexting in Time and Newsweek and decided they wanted in? Anyway, this year it seems that Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp was about to cut a gal from the basketball team but then saw that she had written something vaguely team spirit-y on her Facebook, so now she’s in! This will no doubt lead to an escalating war of all the kids posting inspirational memes and such in an attempt to keep in their coach’s good graces.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/31/15

In case you’re wondering, New Years Eve in the Funkyverse combines the gloom of the Funkyverse with the gloom of New Years Eve in real life!

Mark Trail, 12/31/15

What better way to end 2015 than with some hot Trailian beefcake?

Mary Worth, 1/2/16

And what better way to start 2016 than with some hot Worthian sanctimony? Remember, it’s not mandatory that you make New Year’s Resolutions, but if you do, why not resolve to be more like Mary? EVERYONE SHOULD BE MORE LIKE MARY.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/3/16

Haha, remember the terrible joke in this strip? Did you want another version of it? Well, too bad, here it is! 2016 is going to be great!

Anyway, I’m back to regular daily blogging tomorrow. But now is the time to vote in the annual Worthy Awards, the hilarious best-of-the-year awards from Wanders and the Mary Worth And Me blog. Will Terry Bryson win Best Costume Design for her Mod Squad outfit? Will Mary’s Pretty Big Computer-Like Thing win for Best Set Decoration? Democracy only works if you vote!

And, finally, remember, you can buy my novel, now and forever. I’m enthusiastic about 2016! (See what I did there?)

Once again, a nightmarish tragedy begins on Broadway

Mary Worth, 12/10/15

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Mary and Olive’s Manhattan tourism adventures. At the moment, they’re taking in the smash Broadway musica Matilda, based on the beloved Roald Dahl book, about a little girl with the ability to move objects with her mind, and … say, Mary, what are you on about here, exactly? So far, Olive’s unusual powers have been somewhat passive in nature: angelic visions, premonitions of danger, that sort of thing. But soon her powers will be turned outwards. Soon, all of us will wish we never heard the name “Olive” — and Mary will be there, each step of the way, pulling the strings.

Dennis the Menace, 12/10/15

Like many people throughout the ages who have encountered evil that they’re unable or unwilling to stop, Mr. Wilson is finding comfort in the idea of a supernatural being in charge of a system of rewards and punishments.

Gasoline Alley, 12/10/15

Say what you will about Gasoline Alley’s current bizarre fixation on scrapbooking, but this is the fifth time in two weeks I’ve featured the strip here, which is more attention I’ve paid to this feature since Slim tried to ethnically cleanse his neighborhood with a meteorite back in aught-seven. Anyway, today’s baffling detail is the WFW, which doesn’t seem to be an abbreviation for any particular sports league. Potential definitions offered by Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary seem unlikely, though hilarious.

Momma, 12/10/15

That is not Thomas and Tina

That is Francis and MaryLou, and they are not married, they are brother and sister

Exactly what kind of sick incest roleplay is happening here