Mark Trail, 8/18/16
Oh say, it looks like this new Mark Trail storyline isn’t going to be about whales after all! It’s going to be about ants, specifically invasive fire ants, who presumably set up a nest in the corpses of this amorous couple two years ago and have now evolved into unstoppable killers. Anyway, today’s panel two is definitely the best ever instance of Mark keeping a straight face while a government bureaucrat spells out an entire URL over the phone for some reason. While there really isn’t room in the panel to structure the word balloons this way, I like to think that the actual dialogue is something like this:
“That’s doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou dot”
“hungry pests dot com”
“Abbey, this all–”
“slash the dash threat”
“This all sounds like–”
“slash imported dash fire dash…”
Gil Thorp, 8/18/16
Marty Moon runs a radio show entirely dedicated to high school sports (and, apparently, the legal ramifications of the deaths of high school athletes). But it’s a well known fact that Marty is “out of touch” with the kids who should be making up the bulk of his audience. Today we learn that he doesn’t even have an app that teens can download to their beloved smartphones to get push notifications about the news they care about, along with messages from Marty’s sponsors and corporate partners! No, they’re getting texts from their parents about stuff Marty’s saying on the radio, which strikes me as very difficult to monetize.
Dick Tracy, 8/18/16
“I mean, why would I shoot my food, right? I could, I guess. Like if I shot my food a bunch of times, that’d break it up into bite-sized pieces. But that seems like way more work than it’s worth. Still, you know, for fighting and stuff, I think guns are the way to go.”
Mary Worth, 8/18/16
Ugh, Tommy, all the street hustlers in My Own Private Idaho did cool drugs, like heroin. You get your pills from the damn CVS, Tommy. That’s not cool at all.
Mary Worth, 8/15/16
I’m back, everyone! Let’s give a huge shout-out to Uncle Lumpy, who did admirable work while I lounged around my darkened bedroom in a Vicodin haze, the shadows emphasizing how ripped my torso is. I was worried for a bit that I’d get fired, but then I realized that I own this darn website! I can do all the pills I want!
Anyway, after reviewing the past week of Mary Worth, I’m glad to see that the current storyline continues to promote the pill-popper lifestyle. For a minute it looked like Tommy might have some trouble doctor shopping, but it turns out that if you’re clever and determined enough, you can get all the delicious painkillers you needed, as you can tell by the pill bottles lined up on Tommy’s bedside table. And now that he’s being fired from his lame sandwich job, he’s got more time to enjoy his Vicodin. Win-win!
Judge Parker, 8/15/16
Meanwhile, in classic Judge Parker fashion, we’ve been treated to both the drama-filled run-up to Derek’s band’s gig and the ecstatic aftermath without actually seeing the performance itself. The important thing here is that Zeke, having been corrupted by Honey’s flirtatious banter, has switched from Monster® Energy Drink to Osipov Vodka. This is apparently not a real vodka brand, though Googling it led me to a book called The Rise of the Centaurs, so I have no regrets. Anyway, it’s going to be very sad when this bad decision leads to all these teens being killed in a drunk backseat driving accident.
Gil Thorp, 8/15/16
Speaking of getting killed in a drunk driving accident, Barry Bader’s drunk driving dad is going to, uh, take a plea, I guess? Given the lightning-fast pace of the U.S. court system, this plot should finally be wrapped up just in time for football season in 2019.
“Our media choices are better than your media choices.”
You know, I had assumed that the Bear-Roos and the Houndstooth-Beaks, pluggers all, would just naturally know one another and sit in the same row at the movies — to chat, take too many bathroom breaks, let their phones ring over to voicemail, chew their food with their mouths open, and generally annoy the hell out of me. But in an archive dive of the last three years, I can’t find a single panel that shows Andy and/or Henrietta with Earl and/or Shiela. That’s some pretty admirable consistency, Mr. Chief Plugger! But now my discredited assumption makes me feel like one of those people who says “But you must know him – you’re in the same Army.” You know the people I mean: pluggers.
There’s no way she’s not trolling him right now: “Does he show up uninvited at picnics? Can he sit quietly without fidgeting? Does he work in venture capital? Have Mommy Issues?”
Beetle Bailey, 8/12/16
Killer’s appetite for sexual risk only grew until the day they found him in the woods, naked and blue, with a taut chain from his neck to the axle of a stalled Jeep.
Gil Thorp, 8/12/16
“Hmm, there’s a rift between Barry Bader and the rest of the team. Can I get True to take care of it for me? Nope. Can I fob it off on Kaz? Nope. Oh, well — guess I just gotta make the kid figure it out himself. Hope Mimi put that wine in the fridge — this is shaping up to be one tough day!”
There’s a reason his cup says “GIL” and his nameplate says “THORP.” The word “COACH” belongs nowhere near this guy.
Just a reminder that there’s no Comments of the Week this week — BigTed’s contribution gets an extended ride!