Oh, give me a break, Greg. Facebook is for people who have a pathetic, insatiable hunger for the attention of friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people they met at a party once three years ago to feel like they matter. People who have a pathetic, insatiable hunger for the attention of strangers use Twitter. In unrelated news, did you guys know you can follow me on Twitter? I make tons of funny jokes there and sometimes post pictures of my cat! Follow me! Love me! I need this!
Gil Thorp, 4/10/15
Hey guys, it’s base/softball season in Gil Thorp! Trust me: you don’t want to know why they call Addison Radley “Boo.” It’s a story that starts twenty years ago … on a night, and a softball diamond, just like this one, when promising pitcher Addison Radley died in a tragic accident. Ever since then, her shade has haunted the field, pitching balls at superhuman speeds. You see, they call her “Boo” because, even though she doesn’t know it, she’s … a ghost. ADDISON RADLEY: TEENAGE GHOST PITCHER: SUNDAYS THIS FALL ON THE CW.
No, wait, they call her that after the character Boo Radley from the beloved classic To Kill A Mockingbird? Huh. Not sure why we wouldn’t want to know that, unless we’re trying to avoid falling afoul of Harper Lee’s lawyers.
Herb and Jamaal, 4/10/15
Oh my God, Eula is a reverse chrononaut, using dark magic or forbidden science to travel backwards along her own timeline! And she’s on the verge of revealing her causality violation to a time-standard individual! Chances of a class-three temporal paradox are up to 85 percent, we need an intervention from the Time Corps, stat.
This is your occasional reminder that, after decades of doing jokes about babies pissing and shitting, Marvin introduced some dog characters so it could do jokes about dogs pissing and shitting. I’m not sure which would be worse: if “go potty” were a euphemism imposed by the syndicate in a desperate attempt to impose some kind of sanity, or if that’s how the joke was originally written, too make it “cute.”
My number one biggest laugh in the comics pages today came from seeing Spidey wordlessly peacing out in the first panel of today’s strip. “Welp, I’ve put Mary Jane under the protection of the Black Widow, and probably nothing can go wrong! My fellow superhero certainly isn’t going to, say, push her off a building, that’s for sure. Later, everybody!”
Apartment 3-G, 4/4/15
Oh, look, Margo is back with her old friend Thelma! You remember Thelma, of course, as the waitress at Margo’s favorite diner, which is actually outside on the sidewalk or maybe inside some apartment where the decor hasn’t been updated in fifty years, who can even tell. She used to be a redhead and now she’s a blonde, but the important thing is that her sidewalk/apartment diner also serves booze now! And Margo wants her sweet, sweet brown liquor, so step it up, lady. Her swear words say “I will cut you” but her big grin says “It’s fine, everything’s fine!”
NEW THEORY ABOUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN APARTMENT 3-G: all the ladies Margo’s been interacting with lately look vaguely like Lu Ann because they are all Lu Ann. Margo finally had that psychotic break we’ve all been waiting for and is now confined to a reputable mental health facility or possibly her apartment, and dear, sweet Lu Ann is play-acting as just about everyone else in her delusional world, to distract her.
Gil Thorp, 4/4/15
Say, were you wondering how the tale of Max Bacon™, Fake Pill Popper®, turned out? Well, Max was suspended from the team for the rest of the season, Bobby was fired as student manager, and the basketball team missed the playdowns. Max will apparently get to come back next year, presumably chastened and fake-drug free, whereas Bobby … Bobby is raising an army of children to aid his bloody, violent, sure-to-be legendary revenge. They’ll regret underestimating Bobby. They’ll all regret it.
Mary Worth, 3/27/15
Hey, guys, remember back in 2009, when Mark and Cherry Trail’s friend Patty kept a deer in her house and it infuriated her violent, jealous husband who slapped her around for it (not pictured) and shot the deer, but then the deer came back for revenge and injured him and they decided to let bygones be bygones and adopt a baby? This was egregious enough to generate actual angry letters to King Features, who said that they “should have done a better job of researching the facts about domestic violence” and “We can only apologize sincerely to the readers of Mark Trail for this oversight and endeavor to be more vigilant in the future.” So I’m hoping this vigilance will result in some negative reprecussions for Adam, whose decision to track down Terry has caused her to burst into tears and run away in panic and that’s before she finds out he’s literally moved into her apartment building? Rather than having Mary gently guide to two of them to the altar? Wait, never mind, this is Mary Worth, we know what they do to stalkers here.
Mark Trail, 3/27/15
In new-look Mark Trail, the only violence will be part of the eternal war of man against bug. Bankrupted by beetles! How humiliating that must be for you, Mark’s Friend With Hair That’s Really Aggressively Retreating At The Temples!
Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/15
Meanwhile, in Rex Morgan, M.D., we find out that anyone who dares to inconvenience Sarah Morgan or her entourage in any way gets a MEATY FIST IN THE THROAT. Who exactly are we supposed to be rooting for here again? I mean, in theory I’m against punching as an end game for economic disputes, but the thuggish enforcer of a longtime mob family does make some pretty good points about loyalty and the nature of patron-client relationships here.
Congratulations, Newspaper Spider-Man Comic Strip! You started a Wolverine storyline a full two months after the release of Wolverine: Origins, and an Avengers storyline four months before the release of the first Avengers movie, but now you’re introducing a storyline featuring beloved Avengers character Black Widow a mere five weeks before the release of the new Avengers movie! This is a decent example of cross-platform marketing for Marvel franchises! Spider-Man the character is still hilariously incompetent, of course, but Spider-Man the comic strip is kind of doing its job well for once.
Gil Thorp, 3/27/15
I DID IT EVERYONE
I SUCCESSFULLY PREDICTED THE ENDING OF THIS STORYLINE
WHO ELSE COULD’VE — oh, literally everybody? Oh, OK. Damn it, now I’m mostly just bummed that we didn’t get to see the no doubt hilariously inept Max-Bobby fisticuffs.