Hi and Lois, 2/18/15
“Why are there three marks?” Hi asked, his smile tight, and fake. Trixie — well, you couldn’t expect her to know. Obviously. But Lois … well, surely Lois knew, right? Surely Lois knew that Chip had been in high school for decades, that Dot and Ditto had been locked in just-prepubescent sibling rivalry eternally, never moving to the next stage. Surely she knew Trixie wasn’t getting any bigger. None of them was ever going to change, or end, or begin anew.
Mary Worth, 2/18/15
“Why wouldn’t she react well to the news? She’s gaining me, a man who she’s never met and who’s only been romantically involved with her mother briefly, as someone who refers to himself as her father!” I hope you all appreciate what a fantastically solid Mary Worth storyline we have going right now, guys.
“I just wanted to grab on to this flying, rapidly spinning circular saw blOW OW OW OW OW OW OW”
Momma has long been weirdly fascinated by parliamentary democracies like our neighbor to the north, which, I mean, so am I, so I can’t blame the strip for that. But this nonsense shall not stand. This Heritage Day business. First of all, in most of Canada it’s just called “Family Day,” and the whole thing only started in 1990, in Alberta, and has slowly spread to other provinces since. The holiday is called “Louis Riel Day” in Manitoba and “Islander Day” in Prince Edward Island; the only place it’s called “Heritage Day” is in Nova Scotia, and it was literally celebrated there yesterday for the very first time ever. Meanwhile, Presidents Day (or, as it’s more properly known as a Federal holiday, Washington’s Birthday), has been a U.S. holiday since 1879. So which ally is copying which, Behattèd Ladies Club Member? Hmmm?
Mary Worth, 2/17/15
Having pointedly refused to invite her own daughter to her wedding or even tell her about it, Hanna has decided to spring the news on Amy by demanding help moving into her new husband’s apartment. She is truly giving a master class in stone cold not giving a shit.
Six Chix, 2/17/15
These cows sure are going to miss that bull! He wasn’t the sharpest guy, but he was great at sex.
Mary Worth, 2/14/15
Say what you will about Mary Worth — say, for instance, that it has committed the worst kind of epigraphic sins, which is throwing up some blurge you found online and just putting “Author Unknown” at the end of it, because if you’re going to use this quote torn so far out of context that you can’t even tell who wrote it, what even is the point of using a quote at all, and anyway about five minutes of Googling would connect the quote with reasonable certainty to Germaine de Staël’s 1806 novel Corinne … wait, what was I getting at? Oh, right, Mary Worth. It has its problems! But you have to respect the fact that this whole Hanna’s-failing-vision-unexpectedly-finds-her-a-love-connection plot has been carefully timed to present us with a delightful Valentine’s Day treat: a storybook wedding! I’m assuming your storybooks include a bored government functionary mumbling vows off of a piece of paper while failing to make eye contact with you, and a bookcase full of dusty municipal codes that nobody’s looked at in years.
Meanwhile, over in B.C., Grog is going to … fuck a tumbleweed, I guess?
Hi and Lois, 2/14/15
Thank goodness Hi and Lois is here to show us what this day is really about: no-strings-attached sex between teenagers. Have a romantic weekend, everybody!