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Comics archive! Mary Worth

Kids love Hellenistic statuary

Gasoline Alley, 4/3/15

There’s barely a plot going on in Gasoline Alley right now, certainly nothing worth describing to you, but mainly I just want to point out that somebody, somewhere thinks that nothing cracks up a bunch of eight year olds like a joke about the Venus de Milo. The best part is how in the beginning he tells everybody he’s not talking about the statue, but then in the end the joke is a reference to the statue! What a twist!

Crankshaft, 4/3/15

Hey guys, remember this non-punchline from Monday? Well, that strip, as well as the three that followed it, were all in service of setting up this joke. I’m ashamed to admit that I think it was … almost worth it?

Mary Worth, 4/3/15

NOOOOOOOO

NOT PROTECTIVE SERVICES

ANYTHING BUT THAT

I MEAN I’M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHAT THAT IS

BODYGUARDING MAYBE?

BUT FROM CONTEXT IT SEEMS BAD

VERY BAD

RELATIONSHIP-DESTROYING BAD

WHY, ADAM

WHYYYYYYYYY

Kung fu crime fighting

Hi and Lois, 4/2/15

“Dad pretends to be OK with little kid threatening to run away” is an old humor trope, but the bolding on months really adds a subtle edge to this one, in my opinion. “Ha ha, yeah, cute hobo bindle, glad to see I raised a kid who appreciates the classics, and by the way I don’t want to see you again until fucking July at the earliest, OK? Seriously, why am I even looking at you now? The railyard’s a couple miles away, you could be there before dark if you hurry. Don’t wanna spend too much time around railyards after dark, that’s my last tip for you.”

Mary Worth, 4/2/15

“Josh,” you’re probably wondering, “when will you stop putting up episodes from this Mary Worth cop-romance flashback every day just to marvel at their hilarious squareness?” Oh, I don’t know, maybe around the time they stop being hilariously square, something which I earnestly pray will never happen. Guys, what’s more terrifying than karate? Probably synchronized karate, am I right? Two flying karate kicks, coming at you a perfect tandem forged by professional camaraderie, true love, and years of training in a bald sensei’s dojo. Not really sure why they even need the guns in panel two, to be honest.

Beetle Bailey, 4/2/15

True story: based on General Halftrack’s gobsmacked expression in panel two, I assumed Private Blips was about to double-check his temperature using a rectal thermometer and wanted a little privacy for the procedure. In fact, the joke is that General Halftrack’s temperature is high because he’s horny for Miss Buxley! I’m terrible, but I’m pretty sure that’s worse.

The Decidedly Non-Mod Squad

Mary Worth, 4/1/15

Looks like Adam and Terry weren’t just makeout partners; they were also partners … in crime. Wait, did I say “crime?” I meant “fighting crime, and specifically fighting crime through the medium of pretending to be criminals, so as to fool the real criminals.” Their crime-disguises are just so accurate that I forgot for a minute. An electric blue suit over a white non-buttoned shirt? Lime green short-shorts, long non-ponytailed hair, and sunglasses? Striking bold, unafraid poses in this criminal hellscape (why would you throw a blank piece of letter-size paper onto the sidewalk directly in front of a trash can unless you were the worst kind of monster)? This behattèd ne’er-do-well is going to spill his criminal guts to our heroes, thinking he’s talking to fellow lowlifes! Then they’ll go have some victory makeouts.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/1/15

So Mopey Pete has been strongarmed by his editor into doing a terrible dumb story for the comic book series he writes where it turns out that the superhero everyone’s been following and loving has been an evil (?) clone for years. Now a bunch of fans are going to freak the fuck out about it on the Internet, threatening to subject Pete to vigilante justice! Finally, a storyline where I can feel free to hate literally everybody involved.