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Hi kids! For reasons that will become clear very shortly, I am posting the comments of the week early this week. Fortunately, even in a shorter week there were plenty of larfs to go around. This week’s winner:

“So Rachel is dying. From the look of these people, I bet she has cancer of the hair.” –Charly Hoarse

And, of course, the runners up:

“There haven’t been that many white people in Vietnam since the Tet Offensive.” –yellojkt

“Greta has on a lovely dropped-waist dress from the 1920s today, and apparently an undershirt instead of a bra. She makes Mary look like Carmen Electra.” –Squid Countess

“In the hands of lesser artists, a Viking Warrior would be a totally different character than a cubicle dweller, but Walker and Browne are able to uncover the deeper truth that unites all men: We are all, regardless of race or creed, overweight and inattentive towards our wives.” –Christopher

“In that panel, Mary’s the yellowest person in Vietnam.” –The Mighty Sam

“”Onion” is always written with double quotation marks; it adds to his street credibility.” –Rusty

“Children: They’re just like monkeys, only they know how to lie.” –Rhekarid

“I don’t think we can rule out the possibility that there was a second thrower in the Family Circus case. I know the evidence seems stacked against Jeffy, but we don’t actually see the projectile being thrown. We all know Billy and Dolly’s murderous feelings toward their overbearing, vile mother, as well as their effeminate, worthless father. This could just be the first step in their master plan of framing Jeffy for their mother’s brain damage and then waiting for their father’s inevitable death by autoerotic asphyxiation. Naturally, PJ will be sold on the black market. But I’m just thinking out loud really.” –Scottius

“Funky Winkerbean: Why not just draw one long panel, write ‘MOROSE’ in big, bold letters, and reprint it every day forever.” –Mibbitmaker

“Man, I’ve got to get out of this office job. The most sexually suggestive thing I saw all day was from Judge Parker.” –Joeypants

“I hope Spider-man starts juggling those two guys. Except that’d be interesting, so he won’t.” –Black Card

“Mary Worth and Dick Tracy are locked in a dead heat for Most Panels Consumed Without Significant Plot Advancement — but extra points to Dick Tracy for Most Innovative Use of Ellipses.” –Coffeeclash

“In the mall parking lot the other day, I noticed some parking spots reserved for expectant mothers, next to the handicapped spots. I asked my wife, ‘What if you’re handicapped AND pregnant?’ Then the answer came to me: you’re a character in Funky Winkerbean.” –Pozzo

“Well, the cancer helps explain why Aunt Rachel looks so terrible, I guess. I had assumed that the artist had serious hatred for old women, most of whom do not look like decaying potatoes with hair.” –Poteet

“Dear God, if Dr. Cory is drowning in hot Vietnamese nurses and that’s why nobody wants Mary in there, I’ll start believing in you again. I’ll go to church and everything.” –Citric

“What’s disturbing about 9 Chickweed Lane is that back when it was in my paper Amos was this geeky kid with a crush on the girl. Now he’s a geeky man who has, at least according to Wikipedia, two women and one man with the hots for him. To understand how disturbing that is, imagine if Brad not only had Toni Daytona dump Dirk for him, but then T.J. made a pass at him the day after he had a threesome with Toni and her hot, Brazilian best friend that I just made up since there are no other adult women in this strip other than the mom and that old woman they bought the house from. Come to think of it, could we make that happen?” — reader-who-posts

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Dennis the Menace, 1/25/07

I’ve remarked earlier that Joey’s main purpose in life seems to be to make Dennis look like a bad-ass by comparison; as Dennis has grown increasingly cuddlier, so Joey is forced to become ever more innocuous. It seems that his level of friendly harmlessness has reached a point that is dangerous to his physical and emotional health. I’m not sure if Joey is supposed to be weeping openly because of some perceived slight from one of his thicker-skinned friends, or if he’s just covering his eyes in a sad and desperate attempt to cut off all external stimuli (because if he can’t perceive the actions of others, he can’t have his feelings hurt!), but I’m worried about the guy.

Speaking of breaking easy, those freakishly thin bird-like legs look like they’d snap like twigs if you looked at them wrong. Or maybe his legs are long gone and those are second-rate prostheses made from broom handles.

Gil Thorp, 1/25/07

There’s nothing particularly exciting or ground-breaking about today’s Gil Thorp, but it seem to really exude the vibe that makes me love it so. There’s ex-hobo Ted Pearse in his groovy thrift-store vintage shirt; there’s the weirdo taunt that no teenager would ever utter, ever; there’s the slow-burn reaction to same on the part of the one of the dimmer characters; there’s the typical use of “the Bucket” as part of a barely veiled sexual euphemism; and there’s lots of very oddly drawn hair and foreheads. Pure bliss.

Garfield, 1/25/07

Oh, hell no. Bucky’s innocent and wholly accidental marijuana legalization campaign gets censored across the country, and this filth gets a pass? There ain’t no justice.

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Judge Parker, 1/24/07

Sometimes I like to imagine what would happen if you came from another planet or something and were given a cursory education in the usual sort of comics, with jokes and whatnot, and then you encountered a gem like today’s Judge Parker. Would you stare in horror at the third panel for hours, trying to figure how “You see, I have cancer … and the doctors are not optimistic!” might qualify as one of these “jokes” or “punchlines” you’ve heard about? Would you connect your Interstellar Space Radio to Central Command on Planet Zyvex and say, “Call off our invasion fleet! These Earth humans … they laugh at suffering and death! They find the painful passing of their old ones a source of amusement! Surely they would throw all thoughts of their own safety aside and fearlessly engage even our most deadly trained Sau’dukar Warriors in bloody combat! For Melkar’s sake, turn those ships around!”

It’s not likely, I know, but I’m just saying. Judge Parker may have just saved us all from being forced to dance for the Galactic Emperor Chennux’s amusement until we dropped dead from exhaustion.

Alien invasions aside, the phrase “I’m an old woman and I’m going to die” may be the most depressing ever uttered in a comic strip, and I’m including Funky Winkerbean in that assessment. At least Funky gives you some sort of pun to cut the gloom. In fact, based on that first panel, I’m not convinced that Rachel is still alive at the moment; she looks an awful lot like Norman Bates’ taxidermied mother. Which doesn’t speak well for Abbey’s sanity. Not that anyone with that haircut could truly be called “sane.”

Beetle Bailey, 1/24/07

This Beetle Bailey storyline of barely closeted homosexuality has been winding along like a third-rate Tennessee Williams knockoff for weeks now. First Beetle finally realizes that his attempts at physical intimacy with women are a sham, then starts to subtly acknowledge his abusive relationship with an older man. Today, having finished with his beard, he’s decided to pawn her off on the village idiot.

Miss Buxley, of course, isn’t consulted about her own sex life, because she’s a pretty girl and this is Beetle Bailey, duh.

Luann, 1/24/07

To paraphrase Douglas Adams, the only way this storyline is going to make any sense is if it involves a faulty contraceptive and a time machine.

In case you haven’t been following Luann, our flat-topped adoptee is supposed to be in Iraq. Now, never having been either adopted or in a war, I may not know what I’m talking about, but I think I’d have other things on my mind if I were him.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/07

What’s it going to take to revive this painfully tedious storyline? A horribly burned, foul-mouthed, halfwit-criminal-dating meth cook? I for one am ready to take that chance.

Archie, 1/24/07

Yeah, so Jughead wants to eat Archie’s eyes. The look of stunned horror on Veronica’s face in panel two is actually pretty much justified.