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For Better Or For Worse, 10/15/07

It’s here! Michael’s horrible, soul-killing abomination of a book, Stone Season, is here!! Oh happy day! Robin, the reason the book is so heavy isn’t because it lacks pictures. (Isn’t a picture as heavy as a thousand words, anyway?) It’s because the book contains a greater suck-to-page ratio than any book ever published before in the English language. You be careful with it, because it could collapse into a black hole of awful at any moment.

(By the way, you may think I’m being unfair and saying Michael’s book is crappy based only on some kind of generalized anti-Foob feeling; but if you’re saying that, you haven’t read the excerpts on the FBOFW site. Go on, find them in Michael’s letters … if you dare.)

It’s good to see that Deanna, who has long been consigned to child-raising and house-maintenance duties, has accepted her position as a mere employee in Michael Patterson’s Wonderful Life and has agreed to wear a name tag. Hey, wait a minute — Deanna’s a plugger! It’s the next logical step in the downward spiral of degradation.

Gil Thorp, 10/15/07

Ah, the anti-Cully hate is rising; I expect a torch-wielding mob to have formed by the end of the week. Only the student at right in panel two seems to be having second thoughts. “Gee, what happened with Cully was an accident! How can this school be so closed-minded? Now I’m afraid of what will happen if they find out I wasn’t born a biological female!”

Mark Trail, 10/15/07

GAH, WHY WON’T THIS STORYLINE STOP? At least Thomas is becoming amusingly intoxicated with all the attention he’s getting for his do-gooderism. Soon he’ll go completely over the edge, running around the forest desperately looking for a cute animal to hug.

Marmaduke, 10/15/07

His appetite for bones becoming ever more insatiable, Marmaduke has somehow convinced “Ace” to exhume a mass grave.

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Slylock Fox, 10/14/07

Hey, everybody! Cassandra’s back! She’s dressed sexily but still fairly demurely in her pedal-pushers and sensible sandals (though of course you can buy a t-shirt with her in a much groovier get-up). Today’s Cassie adventure reveals only the depth of Slylock’s total obsession with her. The poor cat’s barely gotten to the point of filling out her police report paperwork and the Fox has already broken and entered into her place, no doubt predisposed to ignore her plea to help. He probably moved the dust around just to spite her. And the “bad housekeeping” jibe is just cruel. She’s a sexy cat about town with a full social calendar, detective. Just because you have tons of free time to dust your place while fantasizing about gorgeous she-felines that no jail can hold doesn’t mean her life is snoresville.

Anyway, I hope that kids read this and learn how to perpetrate a successful insurance fraud. I also hope Max is enjoying his time staring at Cassandra’s ass.

Apartment 3-G, 10/14/07

Oh my God, Tommie made a funny! Mark your calendars, everybody!

I’m pretty much in love with everything about this strip, even though exactly nothing happens in it. I love Tommie’s little joke, I love the fact that Lu Ann and Tommie are fully dressed while Margo is just crawling out of bed (it’s probably 3:30 in the afternoon), I love the forceful period, a tiny black singularity of disgruntlement, at the end of Margo’s “fine” in panel six. I also love how damn happy Lu Ann is. She apparently is no longer concerned about her brain damage and resulting memory loss, although it’s possible she’s already forgotten about it. Based on her outfit, she’s also forgotten that she’s a big old prude as well.

Family Circus, 10/14/07

The self-referential causality loop that this strip is locked into is already a bit of a mind-bender, but what really pushes it over the edge is the little signature conversation at the bottom right. Daddy and Jeffy are having a nice little condescending put-down of moronic big brother Billy (who’s based on respected Disney animator Glen Keane). And then they use his joke anyway, while still pointing out that it sucks. It’s philosophical and dysfunctional all at once!

Spider-Man, 10/14/07

The world of journalism was shocked when Peter Parker, a virtually unknown freelancer, won the Pulitzer Prize for Feature Photography for his “The Other America” series. But nobody who saw those photographs of the people standing in line to receive their unemployment insurance checks doubted that he deserved it. The range of expressions in the photographs — running the gamut from hopefulness to grim determination to despair to fear — was captured tenderly in what one critic called “an emotional tour de force.” So why, when Parker got on stage to accept his award, did he conclude his short speech by thanking J. Jonah Jameson? The pictures hadn’t run in the Bugle. Nobody at the awards dinner could understand it, though those sitting near the flamboyant flat-topped editor reported that he bit down particularly hard on his unlit cigar when Parker said it.

Crankshaft, 10/14/07

Hey, look, it’s Crankshaft’s ass! That’s what America wanted more of, apparently. Who knew?

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Well, the King Feature comics appear to be down (curse you, Chennux!), so you may have to wait until Monday for your Sunday comics, but to tide you over until then, here’s the comment of the week!

“I absolutely loved Rex’s expression in the last panel today. He kind of looks like the victim of a drive-by prostate exam.” –Zamboni_Rodeo

And the runners-up!

“Creepy DiCaprio face wears an expression that seems to say, ‘I know how many times you drew me, and I know which hand you used.'” –Plus a constant

“I really liked the sad little wave that the flower deliver guy made in the first panel of Mary Worth. He’d been in comics before, usually as one of the guys to fill in the crowd in a Charterstone party scene, but today, they were actually giving him a speaking part. True, it was only ‘Flowers for you, miss,’ but it was his ticket to the big-time. He knew they’d be so impressed with his work, they’d give him a full-time part, maybe as the wacky deliveryman. He might even get his own catchphrase. When he got to the door, though, he choked; his mind went blank. It was just like that time in elementary school during the play. He remembered the laughter — second graders could be so cruel. Still, Vera was a trouper; she managed to grab the roses out of his cold, sweaty, clutching hands. Then, as if in a dream, he saw himself walking away. For some reason he even waved at Vera as he went. Sure, as soon as he was off-panel he managed to blurt out ‘FLOWERSFORYOUMISS!!!’ but it was too late. His one shot, and he’d blown it. He might as well move back to Indiana. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” –Jason Smith

“Why does Vera dress like Janet Reno? All the time. I know there’s a section at the department store that contains clothes like these, along with housecoats and sans-a-belt pants, but you have to be, like, 65 to shop there. It’s the law.” –Burning Prairie

“You know what I’ve noticed about Beetle Bailey? The tanks are just adorable. In fact, most of their military hardware is downright fluffy. I wonder if in the bizarre world of Beetle Bailey, where infantrymen occasionally drive tanks, they’re preparing for World War Cute.” –Gabe

Luann: “Actually, TJ, you’re getting off lucky. At least Tiffer is making a deal up front instead of making off with the profits with the express purpose of a purchase of nose candy. Fifty-fifty seems better than fair under these circumstances. Remember, Tiffany has a lot of balls in the air, and two of them are yours.” –Jamus The Bartender

“Roses are red/ Florists wear blue/ but nobody gives/ a fuck about Drew.” –lunarhalo

“There’s not even a joke in Ziggy! (Which I know is like saying there’s no Vegas showgirls under the sea.)” –dogwallow

“o nki u so fn, u so fn u blw m mnd, hy nki” –Sans Sense

“Every time I think this can’t get more depressing, Batiuk proves me wrong. Today, Les’s wallet is stolen by his smirking long-lost twin brother. Tomorrow, he’ll fall into a pile of manure left by a smirking horse taking a smirking couple on a romantic carriage ride through Central Park. Saturday, he’ll be eaten alive by ravenous smirking squirrels.” –Whippersnapper

“Attagirl, panel-three Margo: get your drink arm into prime fauxgnac-splashin’ position in case Mills says something objectionable.” –Josh Millard

“OK, any time you have some guy held over your head in your backyard, somebody’s going to get hurt. Especially when you are clearly high.” –Shmork

“This is as good a time as any to comment on the creepiness of Jamaal’s facial hair.” –praepes

“Cully Vale sounds like someone who gets hanged at the end of a Thomas Hardy novel. Or a doublewide housing development. Or both.” –Islamorada Girl

“Yes, it is getting to the point where it’ll be something like, ‘You’re a plugger if you have four fingers and an opposable thumb!’ Which, of course, rules out many construction workers, do-it-yourself-ers, and war veterans … and, frankly, the entire Pluggers cast. But still.” –Jennifer

Also! Apropos of nothing except that I’m always trying to encourage people to take pictures of themselves imitating comics characters: Faithful reader illyanadmc got a haircut recently that looked a bit more Dawn Weston-esque than she had hoped. Seeking to turn lemons into lemonade, she posed for a picture imitating Dawn’s rose-sniffing scene from last Sunday:

Also also! Faithful reader Dingo alerts Chicago-area readers to this event: Scott McCloud of Understanding Comics fame will be giving a talk called “Comics: A Medium in Transition” at Film Row Cinema. It’s open to the public!

Also also also! Faithful readers Jules and Amy are lucky souls whose local newspaper (the Kalamazoo Gazette) actually ran Gil Thorp in print form (in the sports pages, natch). But now it’s been summarily cut! If you’d like to help them keep hope and Gil alive, send a polite letter to sports editor Howard Thomas.

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