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Slylock Fox, 9/23/08

Holy mother of God, do I even want to know what the hell is going on in this cartoon? It’s possible that our towheaded youngster is proudly showing off some sort of disassembled taxidermy form, but it seems more likely that he’s going to put on his fursuit and ask the doctor to diagnose his other personality, “Fuzzy Wuzzy.” More disturbing yet is how intrigued the elderly medico is by the whole thing.

Dick Tracy, 9/23/08

In Dick Tracy, Dick learns that Diet Smith’s robocop Traze-R comes with a “mobile transporter,” which is apparently fancy inventor talk for “tractor-trailer truck.” Which the robot needs to get from place to place despite the fact it has, you know, wheels. Dick Tracy remains a howling narrative void of madness, is what I’m trying to say.

Dennis the Menace, 9/23/08

I was going to file this under “crazy and/or stupid” rather than “menacing,” but then I caught sight of the look of panic and distress on the piggy bank’s face. I suppose the torment and murder of anthropomorphic objects has a certain air of menace about it.

Mary Worth, 9/23/08

Toby, are you … going on the Internet? With this total stranger lady sitting right next to you? Have you learned nothing? OH MY GOD SHE COULD BE PHISHING YOU RIGHT NOW!

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I don’t have the usual pleas for you to buy crap pre-COTW this week, so we’ll get to the top comment after only some quick links:

• Faithful reader Angry Kem has set up a spiffy comics blog called Japes For Owre Tymes, in which she takes on the too long neglected task of translating the dialog in modern-day comic strips into Middle English.
• And faithful reader Short (I think? Let me know if I mangled your nickname) points out that God has punished the Kalamazoo Kings for their Elmer-hiring ways.

Oh, and finally, for those of you who use the Facebook, did you know that there is a Readers of the Comics Curmudgeon Facebook Group? Well, there is! Feel free to join it and do, uh, whatever it is one does with such things.

And now, without further ado, here’s the comment of the week!

“I was initially inclined to regard Toby’s reply of ‘Not excessively’ to Terry’s inquiry as to whether she used her computer much as one of the most ineffably unnatural and cryptic responses imaginable, but on second thought I guess she could’ve said ‘Twelve,’ ‘Sure they will,’ or ‘I LOVE cornflakes!'” –Violet

And the runners-up!

“My theory is that Jones has been selling him smarties or some other sugar pill. This explains why Alan never seems bedraggled or mussed, why there are no other drug dealers while Jones is away and why Alan’s competence level seems unchanged. The sugar crashes also explain why he sleeps at odd hours. Jones probably thinks this is a clever way to get some very green dough without actually harming Alan, but he will be filled with regret when Alan finally slides into adult onset diabetes.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Kids, this is what smoking crack will do for you — you’ll turn into Alan! Is it worth it to be so boring and blonde and clean?” –crossbuck

“Damn, Crock is heartbreaking today. The chef is clearly depressed at the prospect of having to boil his friend alive. Which explains why he’s slumped, unshaven, and appears to be wearing a noose fashioned out of a napkin. Why he’s wearing a boot on his head makes less sense, until you remember that this is Crock, where where not even the act of grief may be drawn correctly.” –RaJ

“So FINALLY Toby is going to figure out just what the fuck she did wrong. (Well, figure out = having someone explain it to her step by step over many hours.)” –T. Chicana

“A thing happened in a soap opera strip? That’s right, isn’t it? That was a thing, right? Shooting somebody over drugs is a thing?” –captainswift

“Yes Uncle Mark, to pet Sneaky just go ahead and lean against this impossibly small light blue chair placed right in the middle of the room. We chose the model with the 6-inch wide back for extra discomfort!” –mikey

“Herb, I’m going to put you on an exercise program. You’ve already started it by climbing up on my 5’ 6” exam table.” –Patrick

“Another way to look at Ray with the gun (his ‘raygun’ as it were) is to imagine Ray being played by Faye Dunaway. Not Dunaway as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest but just a bald-headed Faye Dunaway desperate for a part. Contemplate her voice with the ‘Liars — All liars!!!’ and you’ll see that it makes perfect sense.” –Dingo

“I like how Billy imagines himself in the dress. That leads me to believe that he’s not sad about the gift, but at his fat legs.” –Buddy and Hopkins: Music Cartoons

“I just think it’s pretty damn telling that Dolly is alone, all alone except for her psychopath brother, on her birthday.” –NotThatGuy

To those who put money in the tip jar, I say: Huzzah! And an extra huzzah to our advertisers:

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Pluggers, 9/22/08

Wait, are we expected to believe that Biblical patriarchs are pluggers now? Because … because I refuse to do so. I refuse, do you hear me! The great figures of the Old Testament were chosen by God to be the defining figures of their age, picked out to work the will of the Divine on Earth. This clashes with everything we know about pluggers, in that the latter are simple, self-effacing folk who don’t want any special recognition, and are also lazy and incompetent.

And I don’t even want to get into the theological implications of Noah being a terrifying beast-man, and what this says about his potential relationship with the other creatures in the ark.

Marmaduke, 9/22/08

Yeah, you tell ’em, Dottie! Your dog may be an insatiable, all-devouring hell-beast, but you can at least keep him from parading down the street with his collection of grisly trophies, the feet being the one part of a person that he for some reason refuses to eat.

Ballard Street, 9/22/08

This feature has previously supplied such disturbing characters as “Ass-Licking Dog” and “Coke-Sniffing Dog,” but I think that “S&M Dog” is a new low.

Family Circus, 9/22/08

“Or you could stop beating him, you heartless monster.”