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Pluggers, 4/30/09

Look, I of all people know that it can be hard to spin straw into comedy gold day after day, whether that straw be vaguely homoerotic hijinks in Rex Morgan, M.D., or whatever sort of poorly spelled suggestions the Chief Plugger gets via the AOL. Still, I feel like I need to hold this feature to some sort of basic standards. An installment of Pluggers should contain some kind of play on words, or a little conceptual twist, or something; it should not just be a statement of fact. It is true that individuals who fall into the squishily defined “plugger” category are probably more likely to connect to the Internet via dialup modem than the population at large, but that isn’t funny or interesting, even taking this feature’s extremely low bar for “funny or interesting” into account.

Two potential “Pluggers still use dialup” gags that would have been better:

• “Pluggers still use dialup.” Exact same art that you see here, except that the she-junior-plugger is saying “It’s your dad. He’s calling to say he got your email.” See, instead of replying via email, he’s dialing his son! Get it?
• “Pluggers still use dialup.” We see junior-dog-man-plugger’s dad on the other end of the line, sticking his tongue out as he puts his fingers in the holes of an old-fashioned (wait for it) telephone dial! See, he’s dialing the phone, like they did in the old days! Of course, the old plugger is irritating and tedious, so nobody particularly wants to talk to him; he’s probably just dialing the time and temperature number or something (oh, yes, they still exist).

Beetle Bailey, 4/30/09

Sarge refuses to acknowledge his relationship with Beetle, so in revenge the private is just going to blow as many dudes as possible.

Marmaduke, 4/30/09

Actually, Marmaduke knows exactly what he’s doing, as today’s banner headline was “MONSTROUS DOG DEVOURS EIGHT.”

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Gil Thorp, 4/29/09

So it looks like the coming Gil Thorp storyline will involve old-school coach Gil taking on the terrible cesspool that is Internet sports blogging and fandom. People who get all their information from newspapers will finally learn about Websites with crazy, incomprehensible Web 2.0 names like “T.A.P. Room” run by jackasses with stupid haircuts who say things like “you’re en fuego, coach.” (Admittedly, anyone who says “you’re en fuego, coach” should in fact be killed.) It’s kind of too bad that reliable Thorp media nemesis Marty Moon isn’t behind this nonsense, but longtime readers know that any technology more advanced than a bottle opener baffles and terrifies him. One can only hope that these darn Intertube punks irritate Gil to the point that he unleashes a Buzz Bissinger-style tirade about how the Internet is a sewer and why don’t people read print media anymore and get off my lawn.

Cathy, 4/29/09

Here’s a sentence you don’t want to hear about any creative endeavor you’re involved with, ever: this strip has apparently decided to steal ideas from Marvin. In fact, if there was strip that could in my eyes make Marvin look good in comparison, it’s Cathy. Cathy’s in-laws are more grating and awful than Marvin’s grandparents, and they aren’t drawn anywhere nearly as well. On the bright side, there will probably be fewer jokes in this strip about people shitting themselves.

Dick Tracy, 4/29/09

I guess it’s sort of part of my job description to point out when insane, over-the-top violence takes place in Dick Tracy, so: look, it’s insane, over-the-top violence in today’s Dick Tracy! I’m not sure what I like more: the fact that Dick’s go-to surprise attack move is to rip off his opponent’s nose, causing blood and boogers to splatter all over his face, or the terrified look of the innocent couple in the second panel, who just wanted to gamble away what was left of their life savings at the roulette wheel in peace and totally didn’t sign up for any of this flying shards of glass and tumbling bodies crap, man.

Mark Trail, 4/29/09

Yeah, they’re really having to work pretty hard to “go after” Sassy, who appears to just be standing there waiting for them to pick him up. “Please, I don’t want to ever have to look at the deformed, neckerchief-wearing freak again!” he barks. “Take me with you on your ill-thought-out multi-state crime spree!”

(In other news: Hey, everybody! Here is a thing I wrote, about how they try to market computers to the ladies! Read it, won’t you?)

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Mary Worth, 4/28/09

You know what would be awesome? If the “police” who “arrested” Ted are really his accomplices, and the “police station” Adrian is sitting in is a rented warehouse, and they’re all setting her up for some kind of mind-blowing long con that goes far beyond some petty “Oh my sister is in deep with the mob I need $50K” child’s play.

You know would be boring and trite? If Adrian found true love with this handsome blond police officer, who is certainly not some sinister pervert from the Internet. But that is almost certainly what we’re going to get.

Apartment 3-G, 4/28/09

Margo is taken aback by Mrs. Bloom’s stun gun because in her martial philosophy, violence committed with mechanical or electronic aids is dishonorable. Even using something like an umbrella as a club is acceptable only when your target is just out of range; Margo has now cast it aside and is preparing to disembowel the immobilized Dr. Kelly with her bare hands.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/28/09

“I think that if we were dating, I wouldn’t keep using my employee discount to buy you dinner at this terrible pizza place.”