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Crock, 10/17/11

It may demolish everything you hold dear to hear this, but, when I go on vacation, I often don’t catch up on many of the comics that otherwise make up my daily rotation. I mean, obviously I need to keep up to date on every bizarre moment in Gil Thorp (OMG THERE IS AN ASPERGER’S SYNDROME STORYLINE YOU GUYS FOOTBALL SEASON MAY GET GOOD/HORRIFYINGLY ILL-CONCEIVED YET), but, you know, I usually don’t feel like I really need to check in with all the Crocks I missed just for completeness’s sake. And yet today’s installment left me scrambling through the archives, desperate to figure out if, as the word “still” in the opening word balloon here implies, that there was some sort of ongoing plot involving the two hotbox prisoners finally going insane due to heat and isolation. But no, there’s no explanation, really, except maybe this, which only makes sense if the prisoners in the hotboxes are also vultures. Which seems insane, but, when you think about it, no more insane than the idea that one of the hotbox prisoners is having a psychotic break in which several cultural touchstones from the 1980s and 1990s merge together to form some kind of spectacularly unfunny punchline-like utterance. But focusing on the details here causes us to miss the important big picture, which is: don’t do drugs, kids, for serious.

Spider-Man, 10/17/11

I understand and respect those who simply cannot work up the energy to deal with newspaper Spider-Man on its incredibly inane terms, but really, panel two does remind me why I love it so. I’m trying to parse precisely what kind of dumb Spidey is supposed to be exhibiting here; my guess is that he truly believes that MJ has spontaneously acquired spider-sensing powers, which comes as an enormous shock to him because he knows better than anyone else that his supposed supposed spider-sense doesn’t actually exist.

Slylock Fox, 10/17/11

Fun fact for you: frogs and toads are no longer considered distinct groupings by biologists. The order Anura embraces all frogs and toads; any species of that order that lives most of its life on land is labelled a “toad,” but these species don’t have a single common ancestor distinct from the common ancestor of everything in Anura. I found this out while doing a bit of research to come up with a joke about this strip. Slylock Fox may call itself “Comics for Kids,” but I’m 37 years old and I still learned something from it! So I feel a little churlish pointing out that today’s puzzle’s solution hinges on something of a scientific inaccuracy, and furthermore that said solution focuses on the amphibian life cycle and yet the illustrative comic includes a frog with a belly button.

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Hey everybody! I am back from my undisclosed location and I must say a HUGE thanks to (a) Uncle Lumpy for his hilarious filling in and (b) everyone who donated in the fundraiser! You’ll all be getting personal emails from me this week, and hopefully many of you are already enjoying your bible bird bands. Some excellent photographic evidence of real life bands in the while! Faithful reader Bourbon Babe, Unbuckled notes that her canine companion “Lolly has co-opted it; apparently, she’s planning to go undercover with Andy to figure out the Great Bible Band Mystery.”

Faithful reader Plastic Fruit added a band to a more appropriate critter. (Sadly, those books on the right are not written by Mark Trail, despite appearances.)

There are still some bands left, so stragglers can still get their hands on them if they want! Just let me know!

And one final note before I present your COTW: The last time we did a fundraising giveaway, with the beloved What Would Margo Do? bracelets, Uncle Lumpy also got first crack at an amazing soap opera strip panel, the great Santa Royale shootout. This time around, I am green with envy that he got first crack at Apartment 3-G’s depiction of high art absurdism:

God, I wish I could make things go viral just by shouting “This is going viral!” It’d make my life a lot easier.

Anyway, let’s all enjoy this comment of the week!

“Jughead’s hat … Ah, yes. I’ve seen this before, but I clicked on the link anyway, half afraid it would turn out to be something like an Urban Dictionary term for a horrifically botched circumcision.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Count Weirdly is hard at work inventing a formula that allows people to live forever in utter harmony and bliss. Slylock, observing from an alcove, thinks he may have stolen a Bunsen burner from Reeky the Rat’s meth lab …” –geekwhisperer

Judge Parker — “Key lines in today’s strip: ‘You should try driving it’; ‘Let’s open a bottle of wine’; ‘She’s the world’s best enabler.’ Has MADD heard about this?” –bbofun

“I don’t think the creators of A3G quite have a handle on internet terms. Soon it’ll be ‘This place is Twittering!’ and ‘Look out, it’s getting AOL in here!’ –TheTJ

The Phantom — “You know, when I predicted a lucha libre-based police force, I kind of thought I was joking.” –commodorejohn

Funky Winkerbean — “The bookseller might NOT being going out of business if he hadn’t let the creepy guy bully him into carrying three aisles’ worth of Lisa’s Story” –Hank

Fall 2011 Fundraiser — “What pops up when someone clicks my goose is already personal enough, thank you very much.” –odinthor

Mary Worth — “Gina works her way down her stalking list:
Phone message – done
Express mail delivery of tapeworm/raunchy negatives/snakeskin – done (ick)
Carrier pigeon (am I too heavy?)
Phase through hotel wall, like Kitty Pryde (get a running start)
Ouija board (fun but satanic; only for dead people?)
Stadium card section showing giant ponytail
Blimp rental OMG – $$$!
Stow away on hotel dinner cart (too I Love Lucy?)
Transporter beam (buy fly repellent; rent Uhura uniform with ear thingy)” –Walker of Dog

“Wow, if I thought Judge Parker was out of touch before, the suggestion that anyone, anywhere has actually read an article in an airline magazine has taken it to dizzying new heights.” –Violet

Mark Trail — “The kiss in panel two looks like two department store dummies in storage.” –Illustrator Steve

Curtis — “Yeah, she chased away every woman I was ever interested in. Now I just cut young boys’ hair late at night. Say, you mind if I turn down the lights and put on some Barry White?” –Pozzo

“How does anyone in the Popeye universe know when to find something incongruous?” –Chip Whittle

“So, how do you tell when a Gil Thorp character has a personality disorder?” –Chip Whittle

Pluggers — “You might be a plugger if you’re a dog and you’re wife’s a chicken, but gay marriage makes you uncomfortable.” –Effluvius Erratus

“24 hours Later: ‘This stupid Spidey Tracer must be broken because it’s telling me Spider-Man spent the last 24 Hours doing nothing but watching TV.'” –DaveyK

Tthis is where we’d thank our advertisers — if we had any this week. To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

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In the absence of a pulpit, I am employing comic strips.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/16/11

Everything new is bad. Children are a curse.

Family Circus, 10/16/11

I mean it — a curse.

Mary Worth, 10/16/11

We can never escape the mistakes of our past.

Judge Parker, 10/16/11

So we should enjoy the simple pleasures life offers us.

Spider-Man (panel), 10/16/11

Wherever we find them.

That’s it for me — Josh will be back Sunday with your Comments of the Week, and Monday for more mockin’ on the funnies. Thanks for a fun week, everybody!

— Uncle Lumpy