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Funky Winkerbean, 8/8/16

Aw jeez, where to start? First thing, you can’t take your wacky bandmaster character, recast him as a tragic victim of advancing deafness, recast him again as a Wise Elder, and then expect him to sell your wacky “midnight practice” punchline in panel three there.

Second, that “punchline”? It’s what comedy folk call a “setup.” It goes in the first panel, not the last. That way you can actually show the midnight practice, maybe in sepia with those cute little photo corners the way you like so much. Then Becky can say, “Well, we don’t have midnight practice anymore — (ominously) but we’re still dealing with hazing!” — and maybe in the third panel we could actually see some hazing? A wedgie, “kick me” sign, towel snap or something? There’s a list! Sure, it’s still not funny, like fog still isn’t haze, but at least it would meet the formal requirements of a joke.

What a mess. None of it matters, though – somebody decided this is hazing sermon week, and jokes be damned. Don’t bully, kids. Adopt a damn animal or something. Stay off drugs.

Curtis, 8/8/16

Back in the 1980’s pranksters would order pizzas for delivery to their mark’s house. Hawaiian, with the ham and pineapple, was the canonical “funny” menu selection. The practice ended quickly when pizzerias started confirming orders by phone, and of course won’t work with prepaid online orders.

So Greg’s not out any cash – what’s his beef here? He seems pretty steamed! That somebody bought him pizzas? Interrupted his dinner? He doesn’t like pineapple? His son is a wretched little jerk? Ooh, I think we have a winner.

Mary Worth, 8/8/16

Tommy “the Tweaker” Beedie first appeared on this blog almost twelve years ago, in a post lovingly titled “Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, what in the name of God is THAT?”. But say what you will about his unfortunate grooming and fashion choices, our Tommy is a go-getter: whether selling tainted meth, proselytizing his mom in prison, or just mopping up the joint, he puts heart and soul into everything he does.

Here, he throws himself into doc-shopping for Schedule III narcotics, blissfully unaware of the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program that will soon set him up for his third strike. So long, Tommy! We’ll be looking for you in 2028, if you’re lucky and if newspaper comics are still even a thing anymore by then!

Spider-Man, 8/8/16

“Peter? What if somebody saw you coming in here? They might think we’re a couple, and my reputation would be ruined.”

Pity poor Mary Jane Parker — she tries to be a loyal wife but honestly just can’t hold it in anymore about this ridiculous insect-based superhero crap. And if Peter gives her that “Spiders aren’t insects” B.S. again she’s gonna smack him with a rolled-up newspaper. Probably the Bugle, just to make it extra hurty.

Hey, I’m sitting in while Josh takes a week’s vacation. Email me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have problems with the site. And if you use the comments section, please see comment #1 with information about the spam filter and moderation policy. Enjoy!

–Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 5/8/16

You know that movie moment when the hero/heroine makes some everyday gesture like taking off his/her glasses and the heroine/hero sees for the first time how attractive he/she really is? And thereafter their romantic entanglement is just a matter of time, typically seconds? Well that just happened for Harlan and Dawn in Mary Worth, and suddenly their whole world looks different and exciting! But don’t worry, you crazy lovestruck kids – gossip will still be gossip even after you systematically validate every accusation those haters make. So that George Harrison quote up there will still apply. Priorities!

New Wilbur waits for his entrance just offstage — four hairs askew; eyes locked on that beautiful, impossible sandwich; standing in a puddle of his own drool.

Mark Trail, 5/8/16

Of course for compelling Sunday comics art, one seldom needs to look further than Mark Trail. But the strip takes a chilling turn when it promotes giving a “colony” of timber rattlesnakes (Crotalus horridus, for Pete’s sake) their own private Eden smack in the middle of densely populated Massachusetts.

“What’sssss the problem?”, whispers a tiny voice. “Those deathsssss were never documented, and everyone knows the peninsssssula … I mean the isssssland … is strictly ‘off-limitsssss.’ I mean we can read sssssigns, even if we can’t ssssswim.”

Mark, the serpent is a liar. Maybe you read that in a book once, long ago?

Judge Parker, 5/8/16 (panels)

Oh look, it’s Rocky, strolling in all relaxed and blissfully unaware of the histrionic and utterly pointless “where’s Rocky” subplot that’s been going on since last August. Hi, Rocky!

Haha once again, Josh has handed me the keys to the Comics Curmudgeon for a few days only to see something amazing happen in Mary Worth on my watch. It’s like my superpower, or maybe his. Back in 2010 it was a shootout at the Santa RoyMart warehouse; this time, it’s a major change in the Sunday strip’s artistic direction.

The new artists are the husband-and-wife team of June Brigman and Roy Richardson. Comic book fans will know Brigman’s work on Supergirl and as a founder of Marvel’s Power Pack; Richardson’s inking for Captain America, Iron Man, and The Flash; and their collaboration on the Star Wars: River of Chaos series of graphic novels. But I got to know their work from Brenda Starr, for which I was an unabashed fanboy. I am going to like the hell out of this, and I hope you do, too.

Outgoing (but not retiring – he’ll still do the dailies) artist Joe Giella, like Brigman and Richardson, is a comic-book veteran – check out his Wikipedia page for the portrait of a proud old-school Industrial Artist whose contributions helped define every comic-book “age” from Golden to right now. This interview is worth a read, too. He also has a great sense of humor, as revealed by this 2008 drawing that our usually lowercase Josh rightly called THE GREATEST MARY WORTH-RELATED THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.

And with that, faithful readers, I’m off the clock. Thank you for a great week, and for being so generous during the fundraiser. Josh returns Monday morning, with steaming hot cauldrons of that Joshy goodness we all know and love. Until next time!

– Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 5/7/16

Dr. Crouse: “Mr. Murdoch, I think I can save us both a lot of time: engage sincerely with the people and events in your life and don’t reduce them all to setups for stupid jokes.”

Jeff: “Is there an app for that?”

Dr. Crouse: “That will be one hundred seventy-five dollars. See you again never.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/7/16

Team Funky: “Oops, I guess ‘Explosions cause lovemaking because lovemaking causes explosions’ is more of a non sequitur than a joke. Maybe if we put in a lot of extra words nobody will notice.”

What’s wrong with the time-honored “Nothing like this has ever happened to me before”?

Sally Forth, 5/7/16

Faye struggles to keep Hilary from turning into Ted without turning herself into Sally. Not going well.

I had hoped that Nona, Hilary, and Faye were going to step into the roles of Tommie, Lu Ann, and Margo in an Apartment 3-G reboot. But now it looks likelier that Tommie, Lu Ann, and Margo will leave Manhattan to duke it out back home with their respective dysfunctional families. Could still be good!

– Uncle Lumpy