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Six Chix, 4/30/16

Sure, “Kids Today” and “Technology Bad” are two of the classic themes, but if you want to go full plugger, Mom, you gotta grow the tail.

Archie, 4/30/16

Even the folks at Team Archie know this joke would be unpublishable with the roles reversed. Hey panel-2 Veronica: his eyes are down there!

Curtis, 4/30/16

Oh man, I was all set to go off on newish tertiary character “Heart-throb” for what I thought was a transparently false boast about an obviously impossible YouTube video. But then I checked and learned that kids all over the world post School Fight videos faster than Google can knock ’em down, and of course some of the fights are staged specifically for the videos.

What I’m saying is kids today are terrible, and technology makes everything worse.

(Checks behind for tail; still OK whew)

Judge Parker, 4/30/16

Hey, remember when Derek tried to go to a party with his real girlfriend Honey Ballenger and it made Sophie want to get all trained up at military school and flat-out murder everybody? But then Honey got grounded so Sophie dropped the idea and resumed her campaign to stalk/purchase Derek?

Well, those slick brochures from the military school kept coming, and they’re like porn to poor Marie here. Look at her caress that embossed coat of arms, dreaming of the sweet barracks pleasures she’d enjoy if only she could escape her hated employer/tormentors.

“Did you know they have a separate school for aerospace studies?” she coos. It’s her ultimate fantasy, to slip the surly bonds of Spencer Farms and fly, alone and free, into a brand-new life. Well, maybe one little strafing run first.

Hello there, faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through Sunday, May 8 while he wraps up his book tour and recovers from same. Drop me a line at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you need any admin help, for example if one of your comments gets hoovered up by the site’s new and voracious spam filter.

– Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/15

Well, finally! Lisa Crawford (décédé Moore), Funky Winkerbean‘s axis, muse, and paragon — and the only remotely plausible justification for this tedious time-travel story — puts in her appearance, and her friends handle it with their usual grace.

Lisa became quite the saucy gamine in the runup to her miserable death, but this is Original Lisa — mousy, hunched over, and perpetually chilly despite her enormous shapeless cardigan. After all, the Funky Winkerbean audience can easily buy into a high-school locker time travel story, but a hot chick going for Les crosses a line.

Judge Parker, 7/28/15

Of course Dalton has something for Sam — because no Judge Parker story can end before the Bestowing of the Gifts.

Archie, 7/28/15

Say, is that Jughead’s Dad, Jones père? I don’t believe we’ve seen him before! Anyway, Mr. Jones is a dead-eyed drone who wants to crush his son’s youthful exuberance and joy in a beautiful summer day!

That’s it for me — Josh will be back tomorrow with the very latest in newspaper comics mockery. Thanks for a fun time!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 7/27/15

Welp, the good news is Adam and Terry are finally out of the water, but the bad news is that’s all the Pool Party we get this time around. However, the great news is it looks we’re starting Ian-centric story arc, and those are the best.

“University Directors” are usually directors of something, like athletics or media services. We don’t know what Hilton Berkes directs, but judging from how hard Ian is sucking up to him it must be pretty important. Maybe UCSR got tired of all the Ian-related accidents, lawsuits, and media embarrassments and appointed a full-time Director of Professor Ian Cameron to shadow him day and night and tell him what to do. That explains Ian’s enthusiasm — he’s hoping the guy will give him real-time sex guidance during his next squalid, doomed attempt to make love to his wife.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/27/15

OMG you guys it’s beloved ancillary Rex Morgan character Heather! Heather used to be Sarah’s nanny, until she married captain of industry Milton Avery way the heck back in 2004. Since then, Heather has overcome every obstacle put in her path, while Milton has strangely declined in both mind and body. It’s pretty clear she’s been poisoning him to take over his empire, and she’s going to keep at it ’til it stops being fun.

Apartment 3-G, 7/27/15

Say, you know who else is making a new beginning? Lu Ann! What, did you think “Margo,” how can that be, do you see Margo anywhere around?

Anyway, Lu Ann wants to make a new start, so obviously the first step is to give somebody her share of the apartment, but the Professor somehow won’t let her do it. Now, the three women somehow collectively own their building. So I don’t why Papagoras has any say in the matter, unless he directs her life like he’s Hilton Berkes or something, or all Svengali-like got her hooked on drugs. Which he totes could do, he’s done it before.

Blondie, 7/27/15

Hey, you know those lazy comic strips that end with one character telling another one how funny their joke was? Well, this is the passive-aggressive inverse of that, and it’s no better.

— Uncle Lumpy