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Mark Trail, 4/13/10

I can’t remember what task it was that Mark assigned to Ranger Miller while he took on the more dangerous and exciting job of tracking the Parker Brothers to their sinister poaching lair, but I’m reasonably sure that it wasn’t romancing bathing beauty Jan Harris. (As you can see from that previous strip, whatever sort of encounter the two had was so shocking that it turned the good ranger’s hair white.) And we can tell from Miller’s besotted blather that Jan is in turn just using her nubile body to influence the politically powerful ranger corps and keep the lake open for float-planing business. And then Mark has the nerve to suggest “a solution that will make everyone happy!” These people all disgust me, and they make the Parker Brothers, who just want everyone to be able to enjoy a delicious moose steak without Big Government getting in the way, look like heroes.

Apartment 3-G, 4/13/10

Wow, this is some serious anti-climax right here; even as he gently eases the gun from her hand, Martin can’t believe that he’s going to survive only because his estranged pill-crazed wife has been briefly distracted by a cell phone call from her boyfriend. This is extremely weak, and, just as many U.S. state legislatures are making it illegal to talk on a handheld cell phone while driving, so too should deranged would-be murderers everywhere make a pact to set their own mobile phones to vibrate, lest they lose their focus on writing a tale of vengeance using the blood of their enemies as ink.

Panels from 9 Chickweed Lane, 4/12/10, and Spider-Man, 4/13/10

There was a certain buzz in yesterday’s comments on the gape-mouth toothy horror in yesterday’s 9 Chickweed Lane, but for my money the looming, gnashy teeth of J. Jonah Jameson are much, much more terrifying. Maybe it’s a contest among comics artists? Whose teeth are you keen on not seeing? June Morgan’s? Les Moore’s? TJ’s? OH OH GOD TJ’S TEETH OH GOD OH GOD

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Mary Worth, 3/22/10

Ladies and gentlemen, our long national frolic has ended, and just as we’d hoped — with a Charterstone pool party! Mary helpfully excuses Wilbur’s manic episode by reminding us his sensible lady friend Iris was out of town. But what can Mary mean by “returns”? Have her widows’ stocks declared dividends? Is Carlos Alora back on the job as groundskeeper? Dare we hope for Zombie Aldo? More likely, she just needs to get that copy of The Shorter Bartlett’s Quotations back to the library. Those fines add up.

9 Chickweed Lane, 3/22/10

One of the most annoying tendencies of serial strips is to sanctify characters until they lose all capacity for drama or comedy. Judge Parker‘s Sam Driver, Steve Roper, and Funky Winkerbean‘s bandleader Harry Dinkle has each in his turn been neutered, cast in plaster, and set up on a shelf for admiration in lieu of entertainment.

In its current story 9 Chickweed Lane — already in the running for most annoying strip in the history of ever — is going for a twofer. Mean-spirited bully Edna O’Malley (née Ernst) has already been recast as a dewy, chaste, ever-so-talented, misunderstood patriot. And here, in a single panel, her future husband is transformed from a lieutenant busted for a pointless and bungled espionage attempt into a noble set-upon war hero. Could we please have the cat back? I mean, if it’s not off in Africa curing malaria or something.

Herb and Jamaal, 3/21/10

Just when you think Herb and Jamaal has reached the top of its game, it breaks new ground. Generic dialogue? No dialogue at all! Bland characters? Unknown bland characters (Herb and Sarah’s flat-topped son Ezekiel, impy neighbor Willie, and Willie’s dad, um…)! Labored, arbitrary setups? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! And icing on the cake, a heartwarming Mary Worth-style quotation from Malcolm X. ‘Cause if that man stood for anything, it’s that it’s OK to let yourself be victimized, as long as you can be smug about it.

Gil Thorp, 3/22/10

Underemployed dropout Steve Luhm here puts right his slightly icky will-they-or-won’t-they flirtation with Milford B-baller Cassie Corman. Cassie has a well-established taste for older boys — they don’t even have to be much older, and from the look of Ray Richey there, just about any boy will do. Well, Steve’s having none of it, and oh hey look Milford’s closing in on the point spread and Kinsella’s still on fire. Excuse me, I gotta call my bookie.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 9/19/09

Some cops slip a spare gun in their boot for extra protection. Jason of the Argonauts lashed a Gorgon’s head to his shield and turned adversaries to stone. Confusing the two, Detective Scott paralyzes his foot.

Crankshaft, 9/19/09

Crankshaft‘s old-timey photo reminds us: generations come and go; only pain and loss endure. After that fateful game, Grimace abandoned his dead-end mascot career and opened discussions with McDonald’s.

The Phantom, 9/19/09

Long into the night, Chatu stares at his pinups and spins elaborate, violent fantasies. Not so special after all, are ya, pal?

And in other news:

Rhymes with Orange, 9/19/09

Hey lady — pills for that now, they have!

9 Chickweed Lane, 9/19/09

Juliette Burber, who bullies insecure college students and trustees, chides her mother for bullying a sales clerk. Next: Edda kicks a Cub Scout!

Hey, Josh is off for the week — if you have any trouble with the site, etc., reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. You can still reach Josh at bio@jfruh.com, but expect a wait.

Uncle Lumpy