Archive: 9 Chickweed Lane

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Mary Worth, 11/9/08

So for weeks now we’ve been watching the slow-motion buildup in this storyline, seeing Frank berate his sad sub-Olympic-level daughter, and wondering “When? When will the meddling begin? For the love of God, when?” Today, my friends … today is the day that the meddling begins. In the final panel, you can get a sense of the terrible wrath about to be unleashed as Mary’s face turns unnaturally blue and yellow and radiates pure meddling-energy. Her awesome and horrifying third eye is also beginning to become visible.

By the way, Frank, in case you’re wondering, it was the phrase “Mary, don’t interfere!” that sealed your fate. You may as well have danced in front of a lion shouting “Lion, don’t chew off my genitals!” while wearing underwear made of raw meat.

Dennis the Menace, 11/9/08

Here’s another entry in my occasionally interesting series of Comics Whose Tones Are Fundamentally Changed By The Throwaway Panels. Without that first row — which doesn’t appear in all newspapers — this strip consists of stomach-churning anti-menacing, in which our supposed hellion asks a loving God to shine grace upon all the people in his life, even those with whom he has an adversarial relationship. However, the opening panels reveal Dennis’s fundamental disbelief in anything so trite as a “happy ending.” In that light, his prayers can be read as a desperate plea to stave off the inevitable pain, heartbreak, and sorrow that will afflict his friends and neighbors.

And speaking of pain, heartbreak, and sorrow…

Funky Winkerbean, 11/9/08

“Okay, everybody! Say: achievement! Because even though you’re all 47 or 48 and yet look fifteen years older, it’s quite an ‘achievement’ that you survived being struck dead by cancer, or war, or cancer, or general despair.”

Also! In unrelated news, this week Amos and Edda, the two lead characters in 9 Chickweed Lane, finally had the sex, as indicated through the cartoonist’s usual elliptical methods. I read 9CL but don’t comment on it much, mostly because it’s simultaneously better in many ways than most of the strips I make fun of here and also is irritating to me in ways that don’t produce humorous commentary but rather just peevishness. However, all week commentors have been demanding my opinion on the Great Deflowering, which finally led me to write, in the comments section of the previous post, the following:

A comic appears on this site is not because something momentous happens in it, but because I can think of something funny to say about it. I can think of nothing funny to say about the aggressively virginal ape-faces in 9CL finally deciding to fuck and/or hand jive, for some reason. Sorry.

Upon reflection, though, that is actually a kind of funny thing to say, if I do say so myself, so I thank all of you for pushing me out of my comfort zone.

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Luann, 6/28/2008

We readers get to see TJ “Jheri” Rictus lookin’ forlorn every six months or so. It helps us tamp back the rage. But merciful heavens, one panel is not enough. Not nearly enough.

Dick Tracy, 06/28/2008

Dick’s been congratulating his own clever self on his 1337 crimefightin’ skillz for a couple weeks now, only to be undone by the night janitor. Is that why he’s moping in a mere “squad room” today, instead of his jaunty “squad pod”?

9 Chickweed Lane, 6/28/2008

Okay, um, Seth neglected Mark while scolding Edda for breaking up with Amos, so Mark, hurt, hinted darkly at infidelity, creating a rift Janice now tries to exploit. Mark values revenge against Seth, whom he loves, but protects the integrity, which she lacks, of Janice, whom he spurns. These people are unclear on concepts like “love”, “revenge”, and — most of all — “gay.” On the other hand, they have “middle school” nailed.

Apartment 3-G, 6/28/2008

Ah. The perfect trio to discover Alan in narcotic déshabillé back at the gallery — Margo for rage, Jack for muscle, and Gabriella for histrionics. Madre de Dios, we’re in for a good time next week! But first — cake!

Judge Parker, 06/28/2008

The second in our series: Who does Judge Parker think he is — Michael Patterson?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Spider-Man, 11/6/07

Oh, thank God, Spider-Man is here to crack the case with the proportional Google-searching ability … of a spider! With its, uh, many legs, all the better to tap out Google query after Google query with. The sad thing is that this exact set of ground-breaking detection techniques was also on display a month ago in Gil Thorp. Except that the Milford kids are are a bunch of no-talent losers with nothing better to do but sit around surfing the net all day, while Spider-Man is … oh, wait. At least Peter Parker is offering us some beefcake action by leaving his old man pajamas unbuttoned. In a few years, there will inevitably be a romance novel that features someone on its cover passionately Googling something, and it will look a little something like this. Only better drawn.

Mary Worth, 11/6/07

Something very, very deep inside Mary Worth caused her to offer to pay good money to save the life of some dumb dog, and in panel two you can tell that she’s fighting it with every fiber of her being. She can barely choke out the part of the sentence after “I’ll”; her teeth are gritted so fiercely that her face is transformed into a grim, deathly rictus (more so than usual, I mean); and her hand is clutching at the black, empty hole where her heart is supposed to be. And there will be payback. Oh yes, there will be payback. That dog is going to wish it died on the side of the road with a modicum of dignity.

9 Chickweed Lane, 11/6/07

Hot, hot possible thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: Hot, hot and totally papally sanctioned ex-priest-on-ex-nun-side-of-the-road sex in the back seat.

Horrifying and disturbing and more probable thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: “…so I told Thorax he could tag along on our wedding night. Hope that’s OK!”

Apartment 3-G, 11/6/07

YES PLEASE YES THE DAY OF WRATH APPROACHES