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Apartment 3-G, 11/5/09

Oh, man, apparently Tommie really isn’t familiar with I Dressed In The Dark, or with the reality TV genre in general, or with the sort of thing that normal humans enjoy as entertainment. If she were, she’d know that she should be jerking about spasmodically for the camera here, clowning it up for the people at home; if she must express negative feelings, they should be big negative feelings, with ostentatious, theatrical bawling. Instead, she’s just looking directly into the camera, and, with a flat expression and eerily affectless voice, describing the terrible emotional desert through which a cruel God has cursed her to wander, like the Israelites, but not as well dressed. I’m assuming that the cameraman is only managing to hold that microphone up through sheer professionalism, and will soon be quietly weeping. Tommie should very much not be allowed on television.

Mary Worth, 11/5/09

Ha ha, look, Adrian is already trying to squirm out of the drunken promises she made to Scott when she thought he was in a coma and couldn’t hear her. Now they’re getting married when he’s “better.” “Adrian, I’m back on my feet and back on the job, and the doctor says that these scars from the bullet wounds are pretty much permanent, so…” “Scott, please! You know I can’t marry a man with any sort of disfigurement! You’ll make sure they heal, if you really love me.”

Gil Thorp, 11/5/09

Congrats to Gil Thorp for depicting what most scientists agree to be the douchiest high-five possible there in panel two. Meanwhile, the parallelism of the two cafeteria scenes leaves one to contemplate the question: where’s a worse place to eat lunch, high school or prison? Your fellow inmates are more likely to shiv you, but at least they won’t stoop to lying about going to your volleyball game.

Dennis the Menace, 11/5/09

I’m sorry, Dennis, this is a game attempt to work within this strip’s restricted ambit of bad behavior, but good manners are never menacing.

B.C., 11/5/09

Ha ha, you see, because one of them wants to kill her, and one of them wants to have sex with her! Women, am I right? They’re like prey animals!

Beetle Bailey, 11/5/09

Honest to God, anyone who opens a gay bar named “McGooey’s” on the outskirts of a US Army base will get free advertising on this site for a year.

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Family Circus, 11/4/09

The presence of Dolly in the background takes this Family Circus panel beyond this feature’s usual run-of-the-mill “Jeffy is a moron” territory. When you consider Dolly’s well-known and well-earned contempt for her brother, it seems unlikely that she’d be helping him search for his shoes; thus, I must conclude that all shoes in the Keane Kompound have been confiscated, possibly as a result of the suspiciously absent Billy’s successful escape. Barfy’s sad facial expression indicates that he knows what the kids don’t: even if you get across the half-mile of burning sand, you’ll just end up at the electric fence.

Pluggers, 11/4/09

Pluggers are so hard up for cash that they can only afford “choklit”, which, being made mostly from petroleum byproducts, doesn’t have an expiration date.

Archie, 11/4/09

Mr. Weatherbee’s anger masks his shame at almost being caught surfing for Mr. Weatherbee porn while at work.

Mary Worth, 11/4/09

“That’s right, you don’t have any regrets about your love life, do you Jeff? Jeff? Put down that coffee mug and look at me when I talk to you!”

Apartment 3-G, 11/4/09

OH OH WAIT SHE NEVER HAD ONE OF THOSE

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Apartment 3-G, 10/31/09

So Bobbie Merrill has spent the week angrily thought-ballooning while wandering through a suspiciously all-female Manhattan street scene, and today we learn the reason for the setting: she’s accidentally wandered into the crazed mob desperate to debase themselves on the humiliation-TV hit I Dressed In The Dark, a cultural phenomenon that Bobbie treats with richly deserved contempt. It’s hilarious to me that a character willing to offer up a “gift basket” (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) to a portly middle-aged head-shrinker in return for prescription sleeping pills still turns out to have more dignity than Ruby and Tommie. Sorry, lady, Bobbie won’t be having any of what you’re selling, even though you work for “TV.”

Family Circus, 10/31/09

You might have expected the demonic holiday of “Halloween” to have been completely banned over at the Keane Kompound, but in fact Billy’s parents have dressed him up as the most terrifying thing they can think of: Daylight Saving Time, which is obviously a conspiracy by the U.N. and the Trilateral Commission to undermine American sovereignty and impose One World Government.

Gasoline Alley, 10/31/09

In the latest easily ignorable Gasoline Alley storyline, centenarian strip patriarch Walt Wallet and his caretaker Gertie went to a concert, only to be separated in a series of non-hilarious hijinks. Today’s strip is notable, however, because it appears to imply that it would really save everyone a lot of trouble if Walt were to take himself to the cemetery before dropping dead.