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Beetle Bailey, Ziggy, The Better Half, 9/29/08

Cartoonists have always known that technology is funny all by itself, so there’s no need for frills like an actual joke — perfect for a lazy Monday! I’m sure that when the inscriptions at Lascaux are finally translated from the proto-Gallic, at least one will read, “OMG — TEH FIREZ! TEH SPEARZ! ROFLMAO”!

Apartment 3G, 9/29/08

Hey, it’s really Alan, and he’s not only merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead! That means something actually happened in slow-as-molasses Apartment 3G — mere weeks after Dewey Cheatham bought the farm in that Sultan of Stasis, Judge Parker. Maybe the authors finally gave up trying to spin their characters’ endless chattering into some kind of plot and rose up like Gary Larson’s vulture to proclaim, “I’m tired of waiting — let’s kill something!” We can only hope.

Mary Worth, 9/29/08

No such risk here! After endless weeks of first the bank’s and then victim-turned-consultant Terry Bryson’s attempts to calm Toby down after her non-crisis, Mary now asks for a (doubtless week-long) recap of the non-events. You can tell Toby’s learned her lesson, though. From the steely glint in her eye and the firm set of her chin, you know she’s headed right back to enormoushop.com to download that “Safety Cats” security screensaver before this nightmare can happen again!

I’m sitting in for Josh this week — you can reach me for site-related issues like server problems or comments caught in the spam filter at bio@jfruh.com, which forwards to me for the duration. If you need to reach Josh personally, use jfruh@jfruh.com, but expect delays.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 9/25/08

Oh, hey everyone, did you hear that Alan got killed? This was not news, since we saw him get shot and also knew that he was a drug addict, and drug addicts always come to a terrible bloody end. A more intriguing question was what exactly had caused Lu Ann to GASP when she saw Alan’s artwork; today we finally learn that Alan has turned away from superbland grey cityscapes and towards angry, black-smeared abstract art. I wouldn’t say it’s “good”, but it actually looks like a vague approximation of modern art, so naturally Lu Ann (she of the shitty flower paintings) sees it as destructive.

That could be any number of people BUZZing at the front door — Haley looking for more drugs, Ray looking for someone else to kill, Jones back from vacation with a delivery of fresh dope that has come tragically too late — but my money’s on Margo, rushing directly over from the morgue to snatch up Alan’s artwork so that the Mills Gallery alone will profit from the inevitable post-highly-public-murder price spike.

By the way, do you notice that Lu Ann apparently sleeps while wearing pearls? That’s how you know she’s a lady.

Shoe, 9/25/08

I found few things in today’s comics more hilarious than the Perfesser’s angry yet befuddled protest sign. I look forward to future statements of activist intent along the same lines, such as “WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE WAR IN IRAQ?”, “HIGH GAS PRICES: HUH?”, and “I DON’T REALLY UNDERSTAND THIS WALL STREET BAILOUT THING BUT IT MAKES ME IRRITATED AND UNCOMFORTABLE.”

Archie, 9/25/08

Oh, AJGLU 3000! Who can blame you for being a bit puzzled as to how the mysterious and slightly distasteful fleshy sensory organs on the human head correlate to specific senses? But for future reference, the one you should have gone with here is “ears.”

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/20/08

Pity poor Herb, who’s been reduced to making a series of “funny” reaction facial expressions in his own comic strip while his doctor dishes out the “jokes.” Sure, the strip could have been recast with almost no effort at all so that it consisted of actual dialog being exchanged, by why bother when you have the option of non-stop hilarity in its purest form: a lecture from a doctor with comical hair. At least Herb got to contribute something, rather than just silently picking something up while a stranger contemplates adoption like Jamaal did earlier this week.

Ziggy, 9/20/08

Sassy mice claiming rights beyond their station might appear in any number of second-tier long-running comic strips (see for instance Garfield, 9/8-11/08). But that crooked-mouthed expression of pure humiliation and helplessness on our hero’s face? That’s the special soul-blighting value-add you only get from Ziggy.

Mark Trail, 9/20/08

“He’s a filthy animal that we let live in our house because we’re insane! He’s covered with fleas, and he steals things, and he has rabies!”

Apartment 3-G, 9/20/08

Wow, this took a turn for the depressing real fast. Uh, don’t do drugs, kids, OK?