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Apartment 3-G, 12/6/07

Oh, Margo! A single cutting remark from you sends my heart a-flutter more than any dopey six-week lead-up to Tommie getting to first base! And I’ve never loved you more than I do in today’s first panel. “Looking out for each other? Being loving and supportive in a family environment? That frankly strikes me as a lot of hassle. That’s why I alienate everyone who ever tries to love me — less work!” By panel three, Margo has adopted an expression of palpable scheming that’s equally hilarious. Many (including myself) have speculated that Margo will make Ruby her mule in her party-planning or art-displaying sweatshops, but now I think that our gal Magee is planning yet another career in the high-flying Manhattan service industry: she-pimp! “So, if Ruby was so happy to show affection to her family … for free … surely she’ll have no problem with showing affection … to strangers … for money!”

(Yes, I know that the English language already has in “madame” a perfectly serviceable word for a female who manages prostitutes. But I think the word “pimp” implies a certain callousness and propensity for violence that better suits Margo.)

Mary Worth, 12/6/07

Oh, Dr. Jeff, will you ever learn? You just got a response out of Mary that would allow you to extract some shred of dignity out of this conversation. Don’t push it. For the love of God, don’t push it. Mary’s comically exaggerated head-tilted finger-to-the-jawline contemplation pose is only going to end with her saying something blistering and humiliating.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/6/07

I actually kind of like Anthony’s “Are you going home?” question, because it implies that maybe, somehow, I know this is crazy, but just possibly two FBOFW characters who aren’t married and who aren’t terrible, awful whores might have sex! Oh, who am I kidding, they were just going to sit on the couch and chastely smooch on the lips. And those lips would be closed. And little Francie acted as an agent of a vengeful, pleasure-hating God of Foob and prevented even that. But it’s Anthony and Elizabeth and I don’t want anything good to happen to them anyway so I don’t really care.

Dennis the Menace, 12/6/07

So, wait, Margaret has a book lying around that’s essentially all about death? Maybe there’s hope for her yet.

Slylock Fox, 12/6/07

Man, you gotta feel bad for Count Weirdly. There are enough bizarre tchotchkes and strange animals in his lair to provide fodder for a scrambled word puzzle even if all he was doing was sitting around minding his own business and reading Famous Creeps. Instead, here comes Slylock and Max and some angry heron or something busting in to ruin his quiet evening with more wild accusations. Since there’s no mystery to solve, his crime is probably much more straightforward than usual — like, maybe he just exposed himself to her down at the park or something.

Garfield, 12/6/07

NEWSFLASH: COMICS CURMUDGEON CHUCKLES AT GARFIELD, QUESTIONS HIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF HOW THE UNIVERSE WORKS

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Mary Worth, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” Mary is about to tell Jeff:

• “…if you’re actually upset about spending less time with me, you’re more of a twisted masochist than I thought.”
• “…once I complete my human-animal hybrid research, ‘ChesterJeff’ will be receiving all of my attention.”
• “…I flew all the way to a filthy third-world hellhole to get you back from a rewarding, fulfilling career, so obviously I don’t give rat’s ass about what you want. Either you come back to my apartment and wheeze away while staring at me worshipfully, or go to hell.”

Gil Thorp, 12/5/07

Fun possibilities for the “something” that Grant and Jimmy did for Cully Vale:

• Bribed Marty Moon’s doctor to horribly botch his eye job and facelift, leaving him with a permanent, frozen expression of stunned surprise.
• Killed Marty Moon as per Gil’s instructions, and left his gape-mouthed severed head in the broadcasting booth, spewing forth prerecorded banter from an iPod they taped to his skull.
• Made him team captain and let him call the coin toss, only to unveil an enormous “CULLY VALE IS A MURDERER” banner at the moment that all eyes are on him.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/07

Fun possible ways in which Margo might try to help Ruby have some fun:

• Taking her to a bar to try to pick up much younger men.
• Taking her to her dealer to buy some coke.
• Convincing her that there’s nothing more thrilling than the glamorous, fast-paced world of Manhattan party planning!

Family Circus, 12/5/07

Don’t look so God-damned smug, Billy. You just condemned your family to at least three weeks of accordion music and the sight of Dolly lurching about spasmodically.

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Gil Thorp, 12/3/07

“Yeah, we could probably test it at Tilden … by why not just keep failing spectacularly with the offense that was terrible before we stopped practicing it? Since we already have no chance to make the playdowns, there’s no point in having fun or trying hard in any of our remaining games. A healthy diet of humiliation will have our boys all the more eager to pull their half-assed Wing T trickery against Valley Tech!”

Meanwhile… Marty Moon suddenly realizes the free press’s obligation to challenge the Putinesque dictatorship of Coach Thorp’s athletic administration. Unfortunately, he’s eight weeks behind teenaged dim bulbs Howard and Tony in mining the Google for useful anti-Gil ammunition. Presumably old-school radio man Marty usually avoids the Web and has been waiting for this whole “Internet” fad to blow over, but recently discovered that you can buy booze there.

Apartment 3-G, 12/3/07

Dizziness … giddiness … elevated heart rate … shortness of breath … Nurse Thompson carefully reviewed the symptoms in her mind, thinking back to her medical training to try to come up with a correct diagnosis. Could it have been the one syndrome that wasn’t in her dusty textbooks: sexual arousal? Or maybe it was an asthma attack. Yes, that seemed more likely.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/3/07

That right there, if I’m guessing correctly, is Mopey Pete, erstwhile persecuted high school dork and comics artist, spurned by best friend Darrin when the latter started dating a hot girl. According to Funkywinkerbean.com, post-time-jump Pete is now a successful writer for Marvel Comics. For what purpose has he returned to WinkerLand? I imagine that he’s breathing in the heady smell of Montoni’s pizza before he walks into the restaurant and starts unloading ammunition into everyone who ever wronged him.

For Better Or For Worse, 12/3/07

“You sit over there, under daddy’s whore picture. That’s the whore chair. For whores like you.”