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Apartment 3-G, 11/16/07

And then Apartment 3-G, was all like “Oh hey didn’t we have this whole thing going where we were broadly hinting that the Professor had this obnoxious much younger girlfriend?” Now of course, the man in the camel-hair suit must choose between a pair of unappealing extremes, which should make for good fun for a day or two. I’m hoping for a Fatal Attraction style scenario myself. “Oh, Ari, I was screaming at the top of my lungs because I thought that maybe you were stepping out on me and I was going to have to stab you to death. But now that you’re here, I know it was just a silly figment of my imagination! Say, who’s the touring-company Blanche DuBois over here?”

Judge Parker, 11/16/07

OK, this has been bothering me ever since the bottled water angle came up and I haven’t said anything because it’s not funny but … but … HEY SOPHIE! YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY? IF WE HAD SOME WAY TO GET CLEAN, POTABLE WATER TO JUST ABOUT EVERY HOME IN AMERICA THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE BOTTLES OR TRUCKS AT ALL! LIKE, IF IT COULD JUST FLOW THROUGH PIPES OF SOME SORT! HUNDREDS OF GALLONS LITERALLY ON TAP AT ANY TIME FOR A COUPLE OF DOLLARS A DAY! WITH NO BOTTLES TO THROW OUT AND NO FOSSIL FUELS USED IN TRANSPORTING IT! I KNOW, PIPE DREAM, RIGHT?

Okay, no more of that, I promise. But still … edible fucking bottles? Honestly.

Family Circus, 11/16/07

“Mothers are supposed to beat their children when they disobey. You’re weak, Mommy, just like Daddy says, just like your crying little daughter over there. Weak.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/16/07

“And always wet your hands before you handle a trout!”

…

“And always wet your hands before you handle a trout!”

…

Honestly, I … I don’t even know what anybody expects me to say about this stuff anymore. At least the unpleasant pederastic overtones have been removed, since Niki now appears to be approximately 25 in that final panel. Fish on, fellas.

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Mary Worth, 11/7/07

Possible explanations for the utterly laughable “dog x-ray” on display in the first panel:

• Mary Worth’s vet has an enormous CT scanning device that allows for the creation of a full-body scan of a midsized dog, which is then shrunk down so much as to be completely illegible.
• To save money, the vet just photocopies animals instead of x-raying them, arguing that it’s “basically the same technology.”
• The dog is pregnant, and that’s a sonogram of its tiny dog fetus.
• The dog and the vet are in on some kind of elaborate scam — dog plays dead by the side of the road, vet shows of ambiguous fake x-ray, old biddy comes back with checkbook, and KA-CHING!
• Mary Worth may in fact not be wholly realistic in all respects.

Apartment 3-G, 11/7/07

Man, it really depresses me when a feisty woman tries to make herself over into a shrinking violet just to please some man who can’t even decide on his own hair color. Apparently even Margo can’t stand to see it, as she’s covering her eyes rather than watch her own undoing. Of course, it’s possible that she’s rigged the phone to detonate in Eric’s hand, and is just trying to keep from being blinded in the process.

(By the way, if you find the thought of “Apartment 3-G Alan/Sam slash fiction” even vaguely intriguing, you owe it to yourself to check out this comment from faithful reader SecretMargo.)

Mark Trail, 11/7/07

Uh oh! Li’l Paul Malotte just got cock-college-tuition-money-blocked. I imagine he’s going to stride into the trading post and forcefully confront Bull Malone about how his unethical competitive practices are hurting the reputation of the increasingly lucrative full-service guided camping package market. And because he’s wearing a baby blue fringy jacket with matching equestrian cap, it will be the funniest shit you’ll ever see in your life.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/7/07

“Yup! Sullen, passive-aggressive, and unhelpful! It’s uncanny!”

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Spider-Man, 11/6/07

Oh, thank God, Spider-Man is here to crack the case with the proportional Google-searching ability … of a spider! With its, uh, many legs, all the better to tap out Google query after Google query with. The sad thing is that this exact set of ground-breaking detection techniques was also on display a month ago in Gil Thorp. Except that the Milford kids are are a bunch of no-talent losers with nothing better to do but sit around surfing the net all day, while Spider-Man is … oh, wait. At least Peter Parker is offering us some beefcake action by leaving his old man pajamas unbuttoned. In a few years, there will inevitably be a romance novel that features someone on its cover passionately Googling something, and it will look a little something like this. Only better drawn.

Mary Worth, 11/6/07

Something very, very deep inside Mary Worth caused her to offer to pay good money to save the life of some dumb dog, and in panel two you can tell that she’s fighting it with every fiber of her being. She can barely choke out the part of the sentence after “I’ll”; her teeth are gritted so fiercely that her face is transformed into a grim, deathly rictus (more so than usual, I mean); and her hand is clutching at the black, empty hole where her heart is supposed to be. And there will be payback. Oh yes, there will be payback. That dog is going to wish it died on the side of the road with a modicum of dignity.

9 Chickweed Lane, 11/6/07

Hot, hot possible thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: Hot, hot and totally papally sanctioned ex-priest-on-ex-nun-side-of-the-road sex in the back seat.

Horrifying and disturbing and more probable thing Francis will be asking Diane to “indulge” him in: “…so I told Thorax he could tag along on our wedding night. Hope that’s OK!”

Apartment 3-G, 11/6/07

YES PLEASE YES THE DAY OF WRATH APPROACHES