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Heathcliff, 12/22/14

The idea of Santa as an immortal being who’s been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, “Santa” has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way “he” is kind of like the Phantom; but whereas the Phantom’s identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be taken, with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac Heathcliff has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.

Pluggers, 12/22/14

There’s been a lot of dilution of what exactly a plugger is over the years, but I refuse to accept a definition under which just being born in the three-week span from December 15 to January 5 makes you a plugger. D’ya hear me, Pluggers? This is bullshit. How about this: you’re a plugger if you’re cheap and lazy enough to get excited when it turns out your friends and loved were born around Christmas, because that means you only have to buy them one gift a year.

Spider-Man, 12/22/14

In the wake of Sony’s decision to pull The Interview from theaters after threats from (probably?) North Korea, look for a lot more deranged supervillains to get involved in the movie business. Today it’s just a question of whether a movie should get distribution or not, but soon these despotic maniacs will demand control over casting decisions as well!

Apartment 3-G, 12/22/14

I can barely maintain interest in what’s going on in Apartment 3-G these days, but it looks like Margo has managed to alienate yet another personal assistant, requiring Lu Ann to put on a pair of glasses and pretend to be “Clara” again.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/5/14

I guess it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that the eschatological beliefs of the residents of Hootin’ Holler trend towards Christian futurism. Loweezy isn’t sure whether the Great Tribulation will happen before the Rapture, or after, or if one will happen in the midst of the other, but one thing’s for certain: it’s best to stock up on detergent now.

Apartment 3-G, 12/5/14

The first three times I read this strip, I thought Baldy McPresumptious said “Ah, yes — you’re with Ms. Magee,” presumably because my brain is desperately trying to make things interesting. Anyway, the strip is still noteworthy for the narration box in panel one, which seems like a grudging workaround for the fact that no A3G character is going to have anything other than an expressionless rubber mask for a face anytime soon.

Gasoline Alley, 12/5/14

As you know, I routinely ignore Gasoline Alley for months at a time. But clearly I need to tune back in for the thrills and twists of our latest plotline, “Skeezix buys a phone charger,” which promises to reach the heights of “Skeezix returns a DVD player.” Elderly characters grappling with mundane tasks involving modern technology are the core of this strip’s brand!

Mary Worth, 12/5/14

“It’ll be a good way for you to see them interact,” said one completely normal human to another! If you had “alien anthropologist studying Earthling behavior” in the “What exactly is the deal with Mary Worth” pool, you’ve gotta be pretty psyched today.

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Spider-Man, 11/20/14

Oh, man, sequels! I love a sequel! This storyline just launching in Spider-Man is itself a sequel to the storyline about filming the first Marvella that ran in this strip back in 2006. Mr. Smiley, who had a slightly less dumb beard back then, managed to make Marvella profitable with innovative filmmaking techniques like just filming fight scenes in one take with no stunt supervision, so look for more of that this time around! That storyline also ended with our hero being knocked unconscious by a butler wearing a silly hat, so I’m really looking forward to this.

Apartment 3-G, 11/20/14

How much would I pay to see Margo give the wedding planner version of the “like tears in rain” speech from Blade Runner? “I’ve … seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Drunken bridesmaids weeping on the shoulder of Orion. Centerpieces on fire, glittering in the darkness in the Main Ballroom at the Ramada Inn and Conference Center in White Plains. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears, in rain, on your wedding day. Time … to see if the bartenders have any champagne left over.”

Dennis the Menace, 11/20/14

Dennis’s neighborhood has somehow devolved into Somalia-style anarchy, and he and Joey are trying to get ahead in the warlord game by setting up sidewalk checkpoints. Pretty menacing!