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Mark Trail, 1/7/13

SORRY EVERYBODY about not having kept you sufficiently up to date on the conclusion of the thrilling Caribbean (?) Ransom storyline in Mark Trail, but it turns out to have been disappointingly light on the comical violence. As one could have guessed, Otto decided to let Mark go without collecting the ransom money, seeing as Mark saved his life and all, but Otto’s henchmen weren’t so keen on this idea, which gave Mark the opportunity to show that a fishing line trumps a rifle literally every time the two come into conflict. And then Otto hands out a brutal beatdown with his cane, proving that just because he’s decided to be magnanimous to Mark doesn’t mean he’s going to stop ruling his island with deadly force. Did you save me from sharks, Juan? Did any of you other pathetic losers save me from sharks? No? Then you’ll keep your mouths shut and do as you’re told.

Archie, 1/7/13

There’s something cruelly hilarious about people in the audience of a high school concert, who were presumably well aware of the musical quality that they’d encounter with performers at that skill level, just getting up and walking out when one particularly terrible kid gets up on stage to perform himself. You’ll notice that Archie’s mom didn’t even bother going to see her son in the first place.

Apartment 3-G, 1/7/13

Yes, finally, Margo gets some of her mojo back. “There are lots of things I don’t tell my boyfriend about, Greg, and making out with other dudes is pretty high on the list.”

Hi and Lois, 1/7/13

Dot is supposed to be, what, seven? Eight? I’m just trying to figure out how long it takes kids to recognize their parents’ marriage as the shameful web of deceit that it is.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/7/13

In his first epistle to the Corinthians, St. Paul expresses hope that, after the Resurrection, we will understand each other and God better than we can now: “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” Crazy Harry seems to have interpreted this to mean that in heaven everyone just runs around naked all the time.

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Archie, 1/2/13

This sick burn on Mannequin 2: On The Move and/or soulless corporate control of all media was probably more pointed back when the strip first ran in the early ’90s, when Mannequin 2: On The Move was a recent memory and we hadn’t yet resigned ourselves to soulless corporate control of all media.

Crankshaft, 1/2/13

The sad, love-starved souls in the Funkyverse think that gently resting your back against somebody else’s back qualifies as “cuddling.”

Heathcliff, 1/2/13

Heathcliff’s owner has lost a bet to his cat, and because they’re not allowed to bet for money, he’s now subject to humiliation and physical abuse on his own front lawn.

Shoe, 1/2/13

Biz’s old buddy Zeke is going to die soon.

Ziggy, 1/2/13

Ziggy is sick and tired of working so hard to prevent his animal friends from killing each other.

Marmaduke, 1/2/13

Translation: WWHOORRRR WHOOORRRRORRR HORROR HORROR KILL KILL I WORSHIP THE DEMON BLOOD GOD BELOW

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Marvin, 12/19/12

All week, Marvin has been expressing his thoughts via standard word balloons rather than thought bubbles, which might mean something momentous except I assumed that it was just more Marvin splapdashery, where small details change constantly because who cares. BUT today Marvin seems to have suddenly made the leap from rudimentary verbalization to full-on literacy! Naturally this is just another opportunity for him to express his insatiable greed. I might also note that, much as I celebrate and indeed depend economically on the written word, I still think that the appropriate order for gaining life skills is (1) learn to go to the bathroom in a toilet, then (2) learn to read and write.

Archie, 12/19/12

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 doesn’t exactly know what noises biological lifeforms make when ingesting other biomatter for nutrition and energizing purposes, but it’s pretty sure that they’re repulsive.

Pluggers, 12/19/12

A plugger walk down memory lane is literally a walk to the grave! THIS IS THE #8 PLUGGERS OF 2012, TUNE IN OVER THE NEXT TWO WEEKS FOR OUR COUNTDOWN TO ULTIMATE HORROR