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Archie, 10/22/07

Dear Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000: I realize that placing a character’s name in apposition with a role that character plays or a task he fulfills is a quick and efficient means to provide information needed to set up a joke. However, this grammatical structure is almost never used in actual conversation between humans, and it comes across as incredibly stilted. I don’t blame you for the mistake, as you do not actually communicate verbally with biological life-forms, but I would like you to file this away in your humor-generation ruleset.

Also, jokes about text messaging are not funny, and haven’t been since the end of a relatively brief window in the late 1990s. I can understand why the notion that transmitting data electronically could cause physical pain might seem incongruous and amusing to you, but trust me on this one.

Beetle Bailey, 10/22/07

Oh, this is just about the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Don’t you believe it, Beetle! Every blow from Sarge’s fists is really a kiss that he can’t allow himself to give you.

Dennis the Menace, 10/22/07

“Especially since we put all those cameras in the basement and then locked him down there. Ha ha, look! He’s clawing at the door again!”

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Apartment 3-G, 10/18/07

On days when I don’t get to do a post until very late, I usually don’t even read the comics until I sit down to write my commentary. I do, however, read my readers’ comments, as they’re e-mailed to me as I’m sitting at my computer trying to do real work. Thus if something really wacky is happening somewhere in comics land, I’m forewarned. But no mere description could have prepared me for the awesomeness of today’s Apartment 3-G. I mean, sure, Lu Ann’s look of pleasant vapidity in panel one, Margo’s superciliousness, her vaguely sexual dig at Lu Ann (“Your boyfriend will be working under me … which I’m sure will be a new experience for him, right Blondie McChaste?”) — that’s all easy to envision. But panel three, in which Margo gets her little snide remark in while grabbing her Georgia O’Keefe-brand toaster pastry out of the air without even looking at it — that has to be seen to be believed.

Hey, shouldn’t Ruby be here to defend her poor, brain-damaged cousin with her Texas-sized sass? I guess she’s too busy working under the Professor to notice that she’s needed! Ha ha! Ah, I amuse myself with my ribaldry.

Archie, 10/18/07

oh my god don’t look at the ceiling don’t look at the ceiling DON’T LOOK AT THE CEILING AAAGGGGGHHH

Dennis the Menace, 10/18/07

Technically, Dennis, the only “guy” you hang out with is Joey. I don’t think you have to worry about him out-butching you.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/18/07

A writer and an author? That’s … quite an achievement!

Garfield, 10/18/07

Tomorrow: Garfield and Jon finally put their suicide pact into motion.

Judge Parker, 10/18/07

I haven’t really been able to follow the business and legal implications of the current Judge Parker, since I didn’t get an MBA with a concentration in crazy, plus whenever I try to think about it too hard I keep get distracted by boobs. But I’m pretty sure that when Sam says “steal this land,” he means “offer cash to the land’s owner in an attempt to purchase it.” But hey, what do I know? I’m not a smooth-talking asexual lawyer with a big thatch of exposed chest hair, now am I?

Mary Worth, 10/18/07

Speaking of things that have to be seen to be believed … that is the most bizarre t-shirt ever to appear in Mary Worth — no, in any comic strip, ever. It’s up there with the pinball-playing fish in terms of weirdness. Because they don’t want to offend the bluehairs, it’s impossible for Mary Worth to really tell us how far Drew and Vera’s relationship went, but I’m guessing a sensible gal like Vera would have broken things off if Drew had taken her back to his condo, closed the mauve curtains, and told her to relax as he changed into something more comfortable, and then, just as her eyes settled on the framed picture of a Conestoga wagon and she began to wonder what the hell the deal was with that, he emerged wearing that … thing. Yes, this relationship was doomed from the start.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/9/07

No, Margo! Don’t trust him! Eric Mills is not what he seems! Her suspicions shouldn’t necessarily be raised by his expressing passing concern for the well-being of another female human when he should be attempting to seduce and/or marry Margo; I’m sure his curiosity about Lu Ann’s health is essentially mercenary, and can be summed up as “Will she still be capable of churning out mediocre fern prints that I can unload on the condo and hotel lobby market at a healthy profit?” No, the real clues of nefariousness are those glasses, which are totally inappropriate for serving cognac. That means Eric’s not a real millionaire, and Margo’s been wasting her time and sexual energy on him; she needs to move on post haste. Does she really want to be tied to someone whose financial future lies in Lu Ann’s artistic abilities?

Archie, 10/9/07

One might have written off a single reference to Betty’s blog as a sad and desperate bid to remain relevant to the kids today; but her Web journal’s reappearance as a plot point here indicates that, in a bid for cross-media corporate synergy, the Archie newspaper strip is pimping Betty’s actual blog (or, well, “Betty’s” “actual” blog), which I suppose I’ll serve as a tool of Archie Comics Publications Inc. and direct your attention to. The many content providers for this sprawling media empire haven’t coordinated their efforts well enough to actually have date details up that might make Veronica beverage-dumping mad, but Riverdale’s cheeriest blonde does wish her Canadian friends a happy Thanksgiving, which is more than FBOFW has managed to do (unless the secret message of this week’s plot is “Be thankful you haven’t had multiple strokes”).

Mary Worth, 10/9/07

Ah, see, this is how we know that Drew was right to choose Vera over Dawn; Charterstone’s go-gettingist clerk-typist doesn’t resort to tears and incredibly bland quotes when confronted with an ambiguous offering from a two-timing ex; rather, she thought-balloons a clever little bon mot that includes a “drew” pun and prepares to move on with her life. Perhaps she’ll find happiness with a new man — like that handsome deliveryman! His russet hair is rakishly long, but not drug dealer long.

Popeye, 10/9/07

The current loopy, meandering Popeye plot involves “spincoal”, a superpowerful form of compressed spinach that serves both as a miracle food and a miracle fuel. It hasn’t been all that exciting, but I am intrigued by the promise of energy industry skullduggery to come. I’m pretty sure that Popeye strips are actually reruns from the 1990s, so I’m assuming that the figure in the second panel is then-Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney.