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Pluggers, 9/22/08

Wait, are we expected to believe that Biblical patriarchs are pluggers now? Because … because I refuse to do so. I refuse, do you hear me! The great figures of the Old Testament were chosen by God to be the defining figures of their age, picked out to work the will of the Divine on Earth. This clashes with everything we know about pluggers, in that the latter are simple, self-effacing folk who don’t want any special recognition, and are also lazy and incompetent.

And I don’t even want to get into the theological implications of Noah being a terrifying beast-man, and what this says about his potential relationship with the other creatures in the ark.

Marmaduke, 9/22/08

Yeah, you tell ’em, Dottie! Your dog may be an insatiable, all-devouring hell-beast, but you can at least keep him from parading down the street with his collection of grisly trophies, the feet being the one part of a person that he for some reason refuses to eat.

Ballard Street, 9/22/08

This feature has previously supplied such disturbing characters as “Ass-Licking Dog” and “Coke-Sniffing Dog,” but I think that “S&M Dog” is a new low.

Family Circus, 9/22/08

“Or you could stop beating him, you heartless monster.”

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Slylock Fox, 7/29/08

It took me a while to figure out exactly what the storyline was in today’s Six Differences — dog mauls little girl to seize her ice cream, little girl weeps for the loss of the treat that she’d been looking forward to all day, little boy laughs sadistically at her pain, squirrel is horrified by the quotidian cruelties that selfish humans and animals visit upon each other, bird lands on dog’s head and stares at the viewer with huge, soulless eyes. At first I didn’t make the connection between the fallen ice cream cone and the brown goo in the dog’s mouth, and just assumed that the mutt was eating his own feces; while I realize that this is more or less a daily event in kennels and dog parks all across this great nation of ours, I was shocked to see it in a family newspaper.

Ballard Street, 7/29/08

But then again, today’s Ballard Street is about a dog licking his own ass, so perhaps I shouldn’t be surprised by anything anymore.

Marmaduke, 7/29/08

This may be the first time I’ve used the phrase “I like” in relation to Marmaduke, but: I like the way the other dog is hiding behind his owner in today’s Marmaduke. It really helps emphasize the unspoken conclusion to Marmaduke’s owner’s sentence, which is “… considering the enormous, murderous hellbeast he’s become today! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM NO NO NO”

Judge Parker, 7/29/08

In non-dog news, Sam Driver recently discovered that just touching this little red book has magically improved his golf game, in a sequence that involved Abbey wearing ludicrously short shorts but also involved Sam shooting golf balls at a driving range — possibly the most boring thing I can imagine — so I couldn’t bring myself to comment on it. Today, though, I’m intrigued by the fact that Sam has scored one of those bulkhead seats at the front of coach — you know, the ones that have twenty feet of open space in front of them. That’s just one of the benefits of flying Teal Seat Airlines! Another benefit: stewardess ass crack.

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Hi and Lois, 4/4/08

Hi and Lois is the last strip you’d expect to see bucking any sort of comic convention or cliche. But usually when a comic strip mom discusses the withering of the last few social institutions that keep high school from becoming a nonstop orgy, they usually look worried or upset, not like they’ve just taken a large hit of Ecstasy, as Lois does in the first two panels of this strip. Maybe in that way that moms “just want you to be happy,” she’s pleased to know that Chip is experiencing as much sexual pleasure as possible without any of that buzkilling emotional attachment, just like she does with half the neighborhood. Of course, no matter how enthusiastic she is about her son’s slutting it up, she still shows the appropriate amount of outrage over the terrible, terrible “punchline” of the strip.

(Unrelated, but: in panel two, Lois appears to have freckles. Did she always have freckles? Or are they a sign of the new, freaky Lois?)

Luann, 4/4/08

Say what you will about TJ, but the boy never stops thinking strategically. While most guys would have been satisfied to let their roommate rest on his laurels and share some tales of triumph (“A definite, meaningful kiss.” “And that definitely means…?” “Tongue, dude!”), TJ is already plotting to make sure his friend gets to the next level. Brad will touch a boob by 2009 if TJ has anything to say about it!

Marmaduke, 4/4/08

I’m not sure why Marmaduke’s owner is so desperate to believe that he didn’t just come from the museum. If that were the case, at least the original owner of that enormous bone would have already been dead by the time Marmaduke found it. The other possibility is that there’s a freshly killed and dismembered rhino somewhere nearby, probably on her front lawn.

Ballard Street, 4/4/08

Striker may be a whore, but by God he’s not a cheap whore.

Pluggers, 4/4/08

Pluggers know that you have to be ever-vigilant if you want to make sure that nobody leaves the compound.