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Dick Tracy, 10/12/16

Shoutout to this Dick Tracy storyline for getting me more emotionally involved in the strip than I have been in years, if by “emotionally involved” you mean “researching U.S. nationality law and/or Dick Tracy’s byzantine backstory,” which I most certainly do! So, is Honeymoon Tracy an illegal alien? Well, she was born in outer space, but her father was an American and her parents were married at the time of her birth, so it seems clear that she was born a U.S. citizen, and attempting to revoke that citizenship based on her Lunarian descent would probably fall afoul of the Constitutional ban on ex post facto laws, to say nothing of the equal protection clause. Sorry, Rep. Bellowthon! You’d really do better with the vigilante angle. Why not investigate vigilantism in Neo-Chicago? You’d probably take down the whole rotten police force in the process!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/12/16

You know, I joked about what a relief the Morgans’ document-signing montage was, but the non-montaged unpacking that followed has been a perfect example of why it was so sorely needed. FUN FACT WE LEANRED TODAY: did you guys know that the Morgans have four separate grades of dishes??? So interesting!!!!!!!! Seriously, these details better have some payoff later to justify this dullness (suggestion: haunted dishes).

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/12/16

“Ya can just let th’ leaves cover ya, until you disappear!! Nobody can see ya, and ya cain’t see nobody!! Eventually death takes ya peacefully, the way ya always dream’d of!!”

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Crankshaft, 9/28/16

“Your sister’s taking your dad to the ballet? Good luck with that one!” said the guy who we’ve never seen engaging in anything more culturally uplifting than slouching on the sofa and staring at the TV with dead eyes.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/28/16

The artists and writers may change, but one thing remains constant: a good Rex Morgan pissyface. That’s it, Rex. Squint and grimace as you tally up exactly how much each of these features adds to the price of the house. Thaaaaat’s the stuff.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/28/16

This is definitely one of the most terrifying thought balloons in Snuffy Smith to date! I can’t really articulate why but I definitely feel that Loweezy should stay away from the bake sale, for her own safety.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 9/18/16

You know, there’s a lot of jokes in Barney Google and Snuffy Smith about Snuffy’s inability to hold down a job, but really, where would he work? Hootin’ Holler seems to be devoid of economic activity of any kind beyond subsistence farming; the only people there with any “jobs” as we would understand them in a modern sense are Sheriff Tate, Miss Prunelly the teacher, and Uriah the mailman, who are all government employees; Doc Pritchart, who presumably makes the bulk of his income from Medicaid reimbursements or perhaps a state-subsidized rural medicine grant; and Silas the storekeep, who I’m frankly baffled how he stays in business. Seeking any kind of financial advancement of the sort that the flatlanders would approve of would no doubt involve actually moving to the flatlands themselves, which I presume the Smifs would be loath to do. The dire position of the Hootin’ Holler is best illustrated by the location of the Smif home, shown in the next to last panel: if any degree of gentrification were in progress, this place would be touted for its stunning valley-wide views and would probably have been torn down to make way for a three-story ultramodern house with floor-to-ceiling-windows; but, since it’s sitting on a rocky, unplowable outcrop, under current market conditions it’s the unwanted property of the least reputable family in town.

Mary Worth, 9/18/16

“JOSH,” you’re probably saying, “I can’t believe you haven’t updated us on Tommy’s terrible pill addiction! Last we heard he was weeping in the car and being comforted by his mother! What’s happened since???” I’m happy to inform you that he continues to weep in the car and be comforted by his mother. More reports coming as events warrant.