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Spider-Man, 6/22/12

I know trying to question the logic of funnybook superheroes is just asking for a trip down a rabbithole of crazy but: since Peter Parker is not in-universe famous, wouldn’t unmasking Spider-Man be incredibly anti-climactic? I mean, it’s not like he’s internationally famous playboy Tony Stark or billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne or even well-known journalist Clark Kent. I’m guessing it would go something like “OH MY GOD SPIDER-MAN IS … uh … that guy? I guess?”

Actually, I guess that, since Newspaper Spider-Man MJ is supposed to be a famous actress, Newspaper Spider-Man Peter Parker might be mildly famous as “that guy who’s always lurking in the background, glaring sullenly at the camera in the paparazzi shots of Mary Jane Parker in People and In Touch.” Since this storyline was briefly about MJ’s co-star Jericho Brand attempting to sex her up before that was pushed aside for Clown-9’s marginally more interesting antics, one assumes that he, at least, knows who Peter is, since the master seducer always studies his prey before he makes his move. Though Jericho apparently hadn’t counted on MJ’s power of super-bumping-into-people, which she has on call to protect her feeble hubby.

Six Chix, 6/22/12

Haha, here is a strip I do not understand at all! I will eat pretty much any kind of fried meat and/or corn garbage America’s calorie merchants will churn out and put in a garishly colored package, so I am not really a “foodie” per se, but the one kind of food snob I am is a bread snob, in the sense that I much prefer buying whole loaves of good bread that you slice pieces off of with a knife, rather than mushy awful pre-sliced bread in a bag. And yes, these whole loaves can contain the occasional air bubble. Which may be what this lady is talking about! Except usually these holes are only visible once you slice into the bread? And she seems to be gesturing to some weird little loaflets that have dents (holes?) on the outside? And, yes, this is the point where I have officially spent too much time thinking about this Six Chix comic and/or bread-holes. The lady does kinda look like the one from this comic, who could never vote to convict an attractive man whose greatest crime was being so darn pretty, so maybe she’s just a deranged old woman, wandering around the Chixiverse, complaining about non-existent bread-holes and sexually harassing criminals.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/22/12

“Haw haw, that’s a good ’un, Snuffy! Now c’mon, let’s go burn down th’ newspaper for printin’ this Darwinist filth.”

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B.C., 6/18/12

OK, while we have yet another example of B.C. predator vs. prey antics, with implied family dynamics among eusocial insects to boot, and I’m on the record as enjoying this sort of thing in the past, I’m afraid I cannot fully approve of today’s B.C. Mostly I feel puzzled by the role in the narrative of the tree-dwelling … bear … thing. Did the bear-thing put up the fake foreclosure signs in an attempt to con the bees out of their hive and acquire the delicious honey within? Are the foreclosure signs actually meant to not be fake, and the bear-thing is an agent of the bank that holds the mortgage note on the beehive? Is this some kind of opaque political allegory about the ongoing housing crisis? Does the bear-thing have a primitive axe? When did bears start learning how to use tools? Should we be scared of an army of tool-weilding bears, come to take what’s rightfully theirs, like beehives and our foreclosed homes and who knows what else?

Funky Winkerbean, 6/18/12

“Silence, running-slave! The whole point of bringing you to this state of exhaustion was to leave you too tired to make unfunny puns or forced jokes! Looks like we’ll just have to keep going until you lose your power of speech entirely!”

Apartment 3-G, 6/18/12

“I never read What To Expect When You’re Expecting, so I literally have no idea what happens next! I know at some point I’m going to have to pay for this tiny human to go to college, but everything between now and then is a mystery. Does something come out my hoo-hoo at some point?”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/18/12

Snuffy can’t clean any of the clocks today, because he was savagely beaten over some gambling debts and is in too much pain to move.

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Slylock Fox, 6/11/12

“Hmm, yes, that is an interesting fact, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, about tadpoles not having legs. But did you know that adult amphibians, like Mr. Buford Bullfrog, breathe through their skin? Which means that they’d never smear ‘moisturizing’ gunk on themselves, because it would be a death sentence! So why would Mr. Bullfrog have stolen the moisturizer in the first place, hmm? It just doesn’t add up!” This is what Buford Bullfrog’s lawyer would say, if he had a lawyer, if defendants in Slylock-world were actually allowed decent representation. But no, they’re just dragged into court and forced to sit wide-eyed in terror as Slylock plays his little ratiocination games and everyone laughs. Then presumably comes the summary execution.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/11/12

Try as he might, Snuffy can’t break through the codes of sexual shame so prevalent in his community and tell his best friend that he was molested by a senator.

Mark Trail, 6/11/12

“Hmm, I just parted company with a bush pilot whom I openly accused of murder, though I’ve also made it clear that I’m the only one who knows about the evidence against him! Now a bush plane is flying low very close to me. I wonder what’s going on!” Thank goodness for Mark that our sporting killer only shoots people in the water.

Ziggy, 6/11/12

I have less of a problem with the mouse sitting on the pad than I do with the mouse sitting on the pad so … alluringly.