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Mary Worth, 12/3/24

It can be hard to remember sometimes that Wilbur doesn’t dedicate his full energy to being a sad loser with a host of emotional problems; he also has an ostensible job as a newspaper columnist, simultaneously acting, against all good sense, as an advice columnist, something he has no qualifications for, and, separately, as a chronicler of the lives of people who have survived disasters, a job he secured after he himself almost died in a cruise ship disaster (no, not the one you’re thinking of, I’m talking about the one before that). Anyway, Wilbur is going to Florida for two weeks to interview hurricane survivors, which is the sort of thing a lot of people would use as a thin excuse to basically go on a Florida vacation, except that immediately afterwards he’s going to actually go on a Florida vacation. Florida as a state has a lot to answer for, but I frankly don’t believe they deserve this.

Beetle Bailey, 12/3/24

It’s a good thing America’s enemies don’t read the comics, because otherwise they’d learn that, much like 19th century Ireland, the U.S. Army is overly dependent on a single crop, and the introduction of, say, a water mold that could infect that crop would rapidly degrade our military readiness and leave us vulnerable to invasion! But America’s enemies are very much like Americans in a number of ways, one of which is that they generally do not read the newspaper comics. Surely this is something we could bond over, which in turn could transform enmity into friendship!

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Rex Morgan, M.D, 11/29/24

Oh, hey, it turns out that Rex’s cranky old patient is Merle Lewton, who we met a few years ago after he got scammed by Miss Galexia, the Rene Beluso-backed new age healer. Merle’s current complaints are more down to Earth, mostly consisting of him being tired and in pain all the time, and Rex’s advice was “I dunno, try going for a walk instead of sitting on the couch and watching TV all day?” Merle tried to “beat the system” by getting a treadmill so he could go for a walk and watch TV all day, but that was nixed by his wife who claimed treadmills were “expensive” and “ugly”; she assigned him dog-walking duties instead. But now — whoops! — it turns out that taking your dog for a walk is just an open invitation to harassment by local punks, thugs, and ruffians. The lesson here: don’t listen to your killjoy wife and snooty doctor! Leaving the house is not worth the trouble!

Beetle Bailey, 11/29/24

What I love most about the Beetle Bailey strips that look at the Halftracks’ awful marriage are Mrs. Halftrack’s facial expressions. She always looks either furiously angry or crushingly depressed. They’re not doing a bit! Their married life really is a constant punishment, especially for her!

The Phantom, 11/29/24

Speaking of punishment, there’s a new Phantom plot getting started, and Diana, on a work trip in London, appears to have by chance met a guy who was once involved in some kind of BDSM relationship with her husband. We’re probably not supposed to imagine him talking like Austin Powers in that last word balloon, but I’m doing it anyway.

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Crock, 11/26/24

The thing that’s great about this Crock strip (and that’s a phrase I never thought I’d write) is that Barlow is covered with feathers, which I’m pretty sure means that Crock’s Thanksgiving turkey was still alive when he stole — and, presumably, ate — it. The image of a near-feral Barlow, crazed with hunger or some other form of madness, tearing the poor turkey limb from limb heedless of Crock’s punishment or basic human decency — well, it’s a grim yet wonderful one, and for even suggesting it I’m willing to forgive the strip for not showing his uniform stained with the blood we all know should be there.

Beetle Bailey, 11/26/24

Hello, Beetle Bailey fans. Were you worried that this realistic, grounded strip was going to present you with an absurd situation, like a dog that can read? Well, don’t worry too much: Otto, who is a dog and who walks on his hind legs, wears clothes, is fully capable of understanding and thinking in human language, is interested in astrology, and knows that the markings on a newspaper encode human language — which, to repeat, he’s fully capable of understanding — can’t read. He does remember things people say to him word for word, but he can’t read.

Mary Worth, 11/26/24

Well it looks like another invitee to Mary’s cancelled Thanksgiving dinner is not even slightly sad that Mary’s Thanksgiving dinner got cancelled, and does not intend to bring Mary something nice or check in on her to see if she’s feeling better later this week! Dawn will probably be spending most of the rest of the month taking the lyrics of “Defying Gravity” and really holding space with that and feeling power in that, so honestly Mary’s better off not seeing too much of her until that whole thing blows over.

Gasoline Alley, 11/26/24

Look, I get that the deal with cursèd objects is that they use their sinister powers to compel hapless victims to pass them from person to person so they can wreak havoc, but I do like how blasé Gertie is about it here. “Sorry Jones, they’re not here, they’re gasping for air as the last of their oxygen runs out. You want this doll? She’s inhabited by a demon from the depths of hell and her very existence is an affront to God. Give it to Ava Luna if you see her!”