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Beetle Bailey, 12/14/17

The thing about this strip that most irritates me is that it presumes an entirely unearned affection readers have for Beetle Bailey’s antic wackiness. “Ha ha, that’s our Camp Swampy!” says literally nobody. But to get into the specific details that annoy me, let’s take on the fact that panel two is a crowd scene and Beetle Bailey has tons of established but rarely used characters to draw from and yet the background is populated by people we’ve enver seen before. I’m not sure who I feel more drawn to: the two ladies running by in wide-eyed, manic glee, one of whom I’m reasonably sure is holding a giant knife over her head, or the dead-eyed, joyless guy who seems to be thinking “Really? I’m the only black person in this strip and they’ve got me playing basketball? Really?”

Spider-Man, 12/14/17

Oh, hey, MYSTERY SOLVED, it turns out that scruffy dude hanging out in the swamp rescuing Mary Jane from various reptiles wasn’t some random low-level superhero/Marvel character at all but was actually the Incredible Hulk! Or, I guess, it was Bruce Banner, who’s a nuclear physicist and … I’m not sure why he’d be in a swamp, actually? Or why he’d have the knife skills to chop of a snake’s head to save MJ? Still, the important thing is that, as scientists who occasionally transform into monstrous green creatures, Doctors Banner and Connors are gonna have a lot to talk about, eventually! Like, for instance, that terrible deep gash on Dr. Connors’ leg, and whether he should just double down and root around in his box of potions to see if he can find one that will regrow two limbs.

Lockhorns, 12/14/17

Usually characters trapped in endless, unchanging comic-book time go through their eternal-now lives blissfully unaware of the strangeness of their existence. However, thanks to this seemingly innocent question posed by their therapists, the Lockhorns, who have been in their middle age for almost fifty years now, have been forced to confront the eternity that stretches before them. Having both long consoled themselves that at least death will free them from their mutual prison, they are understandable despondent.

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Dick Tracy, 12/7/17

Oh, hey, so it turns out that the smoking alien from a few months back was the Moon Governor, returning to Earth to find his daughter, who is actually this flower-themed gangster’s daughter who’s been surgically and mentally altered and I was going to find the links for these plot points but it all just makes me tired, you guys. Anyway, like all terrifying emissaries of extraplanetary governments, the Moon Governor has chosen to take a meeting in a coffee shop. The best, most hilarious part is that this mostly humanoid alien appears to have put on a hat to disguise himself but then had to cut holes in the hat for the antennae that are the one visible feature that distinguishes him from Earthlings.

Beetle Bailey, 12/7/17

Ha ha, can you imagine if you sliced Sarge open and discovered that he was just an outer layer of Sarge-meat wrapped around a human child, and then you sliced that child open to discover that it was just a flesh-shell with an awful demon from the depths of hell at its core? It’s definitely going to be fun thinking about this nightmare turducken of humanity and supernatural evil for the rest of the day!

Blondie, 12/7/17

You definitely have to admire the sheer force of Mr. Dithers’ personality. Even in mug form, it’s so overwhelming that it’s forced the entire Bumstead family to retreat to the other side of the room.

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Here’s something genuinely nice the comics are doing on Thanksgiving: auctioning off original comic strips to benefit those affected by this year’s brutal hurricane season. You know it’s legit because it’s being run by Heritage Auctions, who recently did a similar auction to benefit Lisa’s Legacy Fund! Anyway, what artistic gems from today’s funny pages can you bid on?

Beetle Bailey, 11/23/17

Well, you can help those suffering from want by purchasing a strip reminding you that some people have such a surfeit of resources that they’re literally drowning each other in food out of spite.

Dennis the Menace, 11/23/17

Or you can remind them that, as bad as things get, they don’t live in a world of mingled ignorance and anxiety that has them convinced that they’re about to eat a beloved icon from their childhood!

Blondie, 11/23/17

If you really want to take their minds off their troubles, celebrate their perseverance with this image of Dagwood as a nightmarish three-headed sleep-Cerberus, in a surrealistic image that only draws further attention to his weird neck situation by tripling his number of necks.

Mary Worth, 11/23/17

You know what no amount of tax-deductible charitable donations can buy, though? This amazing work of art, apparently, in which Wilbur screams, silently, but with his mouth gaping open, at … something in Pedro’s oficina. What could it be? Is it Fabiana and her “cousin” Pedro locked in a passionate embrace? Is it Fabiana and her “cousin” Pedro monitoring the eBay auctions they’ve set up for the emerald ring Wilbur bought Fabiana and also Wilbur’s kidneys? Is it a huge motivational poster announcing that “WE’RE SALSA DANCERS, NOT MAYONNAISE DANCERS: NO SANDWICHES ALLOWED ON PREMISES”? Tune in tomorrow to find out!