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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/16

Poor Otto is already forced to wear clothes and walk around on two legs in a grotesque parody of a human being. But for me, having him wear a watch is a bridge too far. What’s the greatest thing about being a dog? That you never have to know what time it is. That you live according to the natural rhythms of the world and your body, not the micro-segmented increments of the day that we humans have spend centuries measuring with increasingly distressing efficiency. This saddens my dog-loving heart!

Marvin, 7/28/16

Though not as much as I’m saddened by this week’s Marvin, in which Bitsy the dog becomes obsessed with his own mortality, in a plot similar to the episode of the Disney Channel show Dog With A Blog that I talked about last month, hmmmm. Anyway, today’s strip reveals that, before he dies, Bitsy yearns to kill.

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Beetle Bailey, 7/24/16

[holds flashlight under chin] And in those days … people … did not have constant access … to erotic images … whenever they wanted it! they had … to walk … to a different room … sometimes in an entirely different building!!!!!

[everyone gasps]

[the flashlight is my phone]

[we’re not in a campground, we’re in an underground city, because this is the future and we’ve badly polluted the surface of the earth]

[everyone goes back to looking at porn on their phones]

Mary Worth, 7/24/16

Oh, wait, now I get where they’re going with this. It’s not “drugs are bad,” it’s “people who attempt to manage their emotional problems without asking Mary for advice will inevitably screw it up and become pill addicts.”

Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/16

I’m not sure if the joke here is that “you could raise a child and send them to college for what it costs to buy a life-size statue of Doctor Doom” or “women don’t have sex with men who buy life-size statues of Doctor Doom.” Either seems pretty accurate, though!

Hi and Lois, 7/24/16

I was going to go on a long diatribe about how promoting a campaign to get more people to play golf is the most legacy-newspaper-comic-strip thing you can possibly do, but then I got to the last panel and found out that I’m three years older than Hi from Hi and Lois, so excuse me while go lie down with a pillow over my face for the next six to fourteen hours.

Mutts, 7/24/16

I know I don’t talk about Mutts on this site very often, but then again Mutts doesn’t usually do a joke in which the lovable lisping cat fantasizes about capturing his owner in a giant web, to eat.

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Dick Tracy, 7/4/16

Hey, everybody, remember the Space Coupe? Last we saw it, a couple of bad guys had stolen it, but its inventor Diet Smith had taken control of it remotely and sent it drifting endlessly into deep space. Today, two years later, in honor of our nation’s independence, Dick Tracy wants to remind you that it’s still out there, whirling forever in the vast nothingness. Did Dr. Ghote and Dr. Sail gradually suffocate as the Coupe’s oxygen slowly ran out, giving them ample time to understand their inevitable fate? Or does the magical technology that allows the vessel to move without obvious propulsion or thrust also provide infinite oxygen, leaving the ne’er-do-wells to instead confront starvation, staved off temporarily only by a brief, violent turn to cannibalism? Either way, happy birthday, America!

Six Chix, 7/4/16

On this holiday when many Americans are travelling to attend cookouts with friends and family, Six Chix would like to remind you that every social event is nothing more than a prison!

Beetle Bailey, 7/4/16

Meanwhile, in Beetle Bailey, the mullosks have evolved language capabilities so they can beg us not to kill and eat them.