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Beetle Bailey, 6/2/16

I guess the point of the first panel is that it Beetle needs to get this aphorism from somewhere outside himself, because otherwise why hasn’t he been putting it to use in his own life before? But where could he have heard it, I wonder? If anyone involved in the creation of Beetle Bailey had ever used a computer, maybe Beetle would be browsing a Facebook group called Extremely Insipid Memes That Are Affiliated With A Radio Station For Reasons That Are Not Entirely Clear, but as it is, we’ve just got to go with the next-best idea: he got it from a four-page pamphlet with nothing on the cover. Makes sense!

Judge Parker, 6/2/16

Haha, yes, Abbey, your daughter’s dream of rock stardom are silly and should be quickly discarded! Now let’s continue helping your husband put endless identical law books that he’ll never look at up on the shelf of his new pretend office that still reeks of horse shit.

Dennis the Menace, 6/2/16

The Mitchells are a typical American family, and today’s Dennis the Menace offers a glimpse at what’s inside the typical American refrigerator: glass bottles of various sizes containing orange liquid, a carton of eggs (?), and an entire uncovered bone-in ham.

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Funky Winkerbean, 5/27/16

As part of the “Starbuck Jones is filming in Northeastern Ohio” plot, handsome, popular movie star Mason Jarr agreed to give the commencement address at Westview High. Naturally, as one would expect from a celebrity in the prime of his life and career, the speech is entirely about the inevitability of death.

Beetle Bailey, 5/27/16

“Long story short, there was a war and the US Army lost! I have some pictures of the new Supreme Leader we need to hang up around the house.”

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B.C., 5/12/16

A common and amusing thing you see in Victorian-era English translations of ancient Greek literature is that sexual terms are translated into Latin, the logic being that if you were educated enough to know Latin, you were presumably morally sound enough to read 2,000-year-old dick jokes purely out of literary or historical interest, but we don’t want the unwashed masses reading Aristophanes and getting aroused, now do we? Anyway, I have to assume that’s the logic behind this strip getting through the editorial process: by the time you’ve learned that “coprolite” is fossilized feces, you’re presumably past the age where this punchline would make you gleefully shout “It’s funny because he touched a doody!” at anyone within earshot.

Beetle Bailey, 5/12/16

You know how Beetle Bailey adds a new character every decade or so to glom in the most awkward way possible onto trends that the strip’s creators only half understand? What I’m saying is that 2016 is probably the year Camp Swampy gets its newest recruit, a vaping soldier named Private E-Juice.

Herb and Jamaal, 5/12/16

Yes, Uhuru is praying

praying to her insect god

SPREAD YOUR CHITINOUS WINGS, O CHITTERING ONE

I YEARN TO BE TAKEN UP TO THE GREAT HIVE