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Gil Thorp, 12/8/06

This is just more evidence of why everyone hates Sean Pettibone. Stormy was just about to finally make his move, now that the object of his repressed homoerotic longing is literally unable to run away, and then BAM! Sean cock-blocks him with the classic “pamphlets about the Paralympics downloaded from the Internet” maneuver. Damn you, Pettibone, it was Stormy who carried Bill to safety, and Stormy who’s going to be there for him when he gets that gold medal! Now back off!

Beetle Bailey, 12/8/06

If you had asked me to guess which media outlet would be the first to reveal the existence of the terrifying, clandestine, black-clad paramilitary forces the Pentagon is using to eliminate its critics at home and abroad, I wouldn’t have said Beetle Bailey, that’s for sure.

Mary Worth, 12/8/06

AHHHH OH MY GOD TERRIFYING LEAD-HUED FLOATING GIANT ELLA HEAD SCARY SCARY SCARY!

Mark Trail, 12/8/06

AAAHHH OH MY GOD TERRIFYING EXTREME RUSTY CLOSE UP SCARY SCARY SCARY! I sure hope Mark’s “nature journalist” gig comes with insurance coverage for orthodontia.

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The Phantom, 12/4/06

Today the Phantom gives you what in the business world they call the “value add”. See, any two-bit superhero can give you explosions and fisticuffs and gunplay and what-not; but with the Big Purple Guy, we stick around to see what happens after the climax. Thrill as the Ghost-Who-Hopefully-Isn’t-Getting-A-Paper-Cut idly rifles through the Doorman’s files! Marvel as he and the freed slaves stand around making idle, awkward small talk waiting for the cops to show up! Look on in wonder as the Phantom gives his cell number and e-mail address to the assembled servants so that they can use him as a reference on their resumes! You’ll pay for the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge!

Beetle Bailey, 12/4/06

You may think that keeping the soldiers at Camp Swampy pumped full of Wellbutrin isn’t the best way to run a military, but if they can’t ever feel any negative emotions, they’ll presumably obey any order, no matter how atrocious, and cheerfully roll forward as an army of smiling, glassy-eyed, remorseless and conscienceless killing machines. One hopes that General Halftrack got personal approval from the Secretary of the Army Francis J. Harvey before engaging in his sinister psychopharmaceutical experiments on his hapless subordinates.

Judge Parker, 12/4/06

So, Eduardo Barreto’s been handling the Judge Parker art for several months now, and I’m still a fan, but he does seem to shift styles every once in a while, which can be a little unsettling. I guess if the history of soap opera comics is any guide, he’s going to be drawing this for the next seventy years, so he’s entitled to do a little experimenting in the beginning of his reign. Things did suddenly get a lot less shady and more stylized this week. Panel two illustrates the major artistic dilemma for anyone drawing Judge Parker — can you make Sam Driver and Randy Parker look like different people? Today, it’s all about the part in Sam’s hair.

The Family Circus, 12/4/06

Oh please oh please oh please.

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Mark Trail, 11/21/06

If there’s one thing we can count on in this crazy mixed-up world, it’s the deep satisfaction that comes from seeing Mark Trail punch an armed man in the face. Man, that’s good stuff. Note that Mark’s raw power is enough to not only blast Snake into the next panel, but to change his shirt from blue to orange and blow the hair right off the sides of his head. Physics and logic are no match for a Trailian knuckle sandwich. I can’t wait to see how Jake’s sideburns and mullet will react to what he’s got coming to him. Forecasts call for heavy bold lettering for the next few days.

B.C., 11/21/06

I stared at this strip for an awful long time before I finally gave up on it. I sort of assume that any joke about “the real purpose of school busing” is somehow about the evils of the commingling of the races, but I really can’t suss that — or much of anything else — out of the “punchline.” My best guess is that it’s about having sex in the back of a school bus. The line underneath the word “learn” goes right into my soul and shatters my need for everything in this world to make some kind of sense.

Beetle Bailey, 11/21/06

See, it’s like they know computers exist, and have seen them in pictures and know how to draw them, but they’ve never actually used one, so they don’t know about their more obscure features, like the delete key.

Dennis the Menace, 11/21/06

“Or is it a good thing? Imagine if we could pay someone to take care of Dennis … someone other than us … who lived far away … far, far away …”

I’m frankly a little concerned that the Mitchells consider Dennis playing in the next yard over to be “roaming.” That strikes me as a mite overprotective. Watch out, kid, or you’ll end up in up in some kind of subterranean gulag.

Apartment 3-G, 11/21/06

OH MY GOD MOST AWESOMELY AWKWARD THANKSGIVING EVER!!! It actually seems pretty likely to me that, just to add to the discomfort, Gina will somehow invite herself over, thus ensuring that someone — or better, several someones — will be attacked with a turkey-carving implement. I wonder what disaster killed off all of these people’s families, leaving them to spend Thanksgiving with each other. I also wonder what kind of hat Margo will wear to dinner. Maybe she’ll dress up like a Pilgrim!