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The Phantom, 10/8/23

The Phantom is a comic strip first launched in 1936 about a lineage of white guys who’ve lived in Africa for hundreds of years and convinced the superstitious locals that they’ve been one immortal ghost that whole time, and while it’s made some good faith efforts of the years to get with the times, it’s not always what you might call “woke.” Like, for instance, it was a pretty big deal, back in the dark ages of 2008, when a waitress and a lady cop quit their jobs to join the Jungle Patrol, a formerly all-male paramilitary force that doesn’t believe in spirits but does take orders from a mysterious “Unknown Commander,” who happens to also be the Phantom. Anyway, it’s been 15 years now, so surely having female Jungle Patrollers is routine and acknowledged as helping create a stronger and more effective fighting force, right? Well, sure, until we get an appearance from a handsome fella like John X — who, to be clear, is once again, the Phantom, although he originally assumed that identity when he had some light amnesia. Anyway, he’s here now, he’s hot as hell, and he’s destroying unit cohesion because all the gals want to fuck him.

Beetle Bailey, 10/8/23

Beetle Bailey loves to add new characters to keep up with the “trends,” whether those trends are rock and roll music (Rocky) or the military being racially integrated (Lt. Flap), but I don’t think we’ve gotten a new one since Spc. Chip Gizmo arrived in 2002 as an admission that this “computer” stuff was here to stay. Anyway, now it’s 2023, and I’m not sure what it says about our current age that Beetle Bailey has decided to introduce a lovable child soldier character, but it can’t be good.

Curtis, 10/8/23

Barry has always been depicted as the smart one in this strip, but today achieves new stature as a prophet of the LORD, letting his family know that verily, all is vanity, we are all dust and to dust we shall return, and our brief time on this world mainly serves to amuse our Creator.

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Mary Worth, 10/6/23

Oh, root beer? You guys both love root beer? You’d describe it as your “favorite”? Well, I think we can forget DNA tests or the “necessary Q&A” about who failed to pull out of who when: paternity has now pretty much been confirmed! Congrats to all!

Beetle Bailey, 10/6/23

Ha ha, wouldn’t it be funny if a guy was in the army but — get this — he had a cell phone, like you and me, and he accidentally dropped it in the sink? Such a thing would be impossible, of course, but it’s truly whimsical to imagine. An army guy! With a cell phone! Oh, mercy.

Curtis, 10/6/23

Look, I’m not saying I want Curtis to wrap up and stop publishing — far from it! Please, grace us with crazy stories for many Kwanzaas to come! But I am saying that a very cool way for Curtis to end its run in the funny pages would be for one of Greg’s old enemies to escape from prison, forcing the Wilkins family to flee for their lives.

Judge Parker, 10/6/23

Oh, hey, a guy got tased in Judge Parker! Don’t really have much to add to that, just thought you’d want to know. He got tased right in the neck!

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Hagar the Horrible, 9/26/23

That big sweatball coming off of Lucky Eddie in the first panel tells the whole story here. “Ha ha, I’m a guy who’s crazy about beautiful women! Human women! Women with legs, not scaly fish tails! Not sure why you would think otherwise! Not sure why I even brought it up! Ha ha!”

Gasoline Alley, 9/26/23

Oh no, this child is already communicating like an animal! He’ll soon be lost to the human species altogether! Sure, he’s barking like a dog, not growling like a bear, and also the bear speaks English anyway, but the point is that we need to send Delta Force into this national forest immediately to extract this child and return him to normal H. sapiens society.

Beetle Bailey, 9/26/23

I was about to get mad that Beetle Bailey went to the trouble of putting a real QR code in this strip but then cut off enough of it at the top that you can’t actually see what it points to, but then I realized it probably points to some extremely bad naked Miss Buxley art so, you know what, I’m good.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/26/23

“I dunno man, I just thought it would end this conversation faster? I hoped it would, I guess I should say.”