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Beetle Bailey, 8/12/22

Wow, we all spent a lot of time making fun Beetle Bailey as a “lazy bum” and a “moron” and a “disgrace to the U.S. military,” but it turns out he’s quite capable of using his military training to quickly and accurately assess threats to unit’s current position. Unfortunately, his “unit” consists of three guys in a trench with two WWI-era rifles between them and they’re about to be annihilated by artillery fire, but still, it’s nice to know he’s not the dummy we all thought he was.

Gil Thorp, 8/12/22

I apologize for my earlier misstatement: Marty Moon doesn’t have a radio show, he has a podcast, which he records at a radio station, but still: he’s moved away from tired, legacy media like radio waves and is now in tune with what the hip kids are into with their iPhones and cyberspace and stuff, because he is a media leader who keeps up with the times. Either that or WDIG won’t let him do live on-air stuff anymore, ever since “the incident.”

Marvin, 8/12/22

Marvin’s grandpa’s friend (no, I’m not going to try to remember his name and I never will) really has spent the entire week staring his own mortality and failure as a person in the face, but it’s almost the weekend so today we’re gonna “have a little fun” (talk about the cruel games he and his wife play because they have come to despite each other but cannot imagine being apart).

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Blondie, 8/8/22

The non-Dagwood, non-Herb members of Dagwood’s carpool are named “Dwitzell” and “Claudia,” and any and all attempts to give them inner or indeed outer lives have failed to stick with me, but I do like that Claudia is on the record as not liking the phrase “hot enough for you.” Yes, it’s hot, but that doesn’t mean you have to resort to such vile cliches! To me, she has now become by far the most sympathetic character in the comic strip Blondie, which was actually pretty easy because I honestly couldn’t tell you which if any of the other characters I found particularly sympathetic.

Dennis the Menace, 8/8/22

Dennis is trying a real baller menace move here: to destroy Mr. Wilson emotionally by offering up himself — his neighbor’s most hated nemesis — as a substitute for the grandchildren the Wilsons never had. It’s a swing and a miss, though. George Wilson has never felt affection for another human being and never will! You’re the one who’s shown weakness here today, Dennis, and you will live to regret it!

Beetle Bailey, 8/8/22

OH MY GOD EVEN DOGS ARE STEALING VALOR NOW, WHAT HAS THIS COUNTRY COME TO

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Beetle Bailey, 8/7/22

Say what you will about Beetle Bailey — and lord knows I’ve said a lot over the years — but it can be extremely comforting in its on-the-noseness. What does a nerd look like? Well, he looks like Plato, with glasses. And what does a girl nerd look like? She looks like Plato as well, with glasses, but also slightly longer hair and crudely drawn boobs. What to they do on a date? They talk about Kierkegaard, obviously. That guy was smart! That’s why the nerds respect him, because he was a nerd like they are! Do the nerds have sex, on this date? Absolutely not. How dare you suggest such a thing. How dare you. You’ll rile up our readers with such talk!

Mary Worth, 8/7/22

I think all of us have wondered at one time or another: what is our purpose in life? Well, it looks like Wilbur’s finally about to figure out why he’s been put on this Earth: to serve as a cautionary example for others. Or maybe he won’t figure it out, I dunno, he’s not very smart or self-reflective. Anyway, kudos to Dawn for realizing she’s a bad person, but I honestly could’ve done with at least four or five more panels of Wilbur rattling off cruel adjectives others have used to describe him before she had her epiphany.