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Six Chix, 9/6/18

I have a perverse respect for this Six Chix, because the artist could only come up with song titles for five of the seven days, and one of the missing days was Thursday, the very day on which this strip would run, but still was like, “You know what? Fuck it. This is the joke I’m doing, I don’t really care, it’s happening.” Anyway, maybe it’s a space-saving thing, but if you really wanted to get the full week in there I’d have gone with David Bowie’s “Thursday’s Child” — a deep cut off a 1999 album, but no more obscure, than, say, a song by Lisa Loeb that isn’t “Stay (I Missed You)” — and, I don’t know, how about the extremely well-known “Sunday Bloody Sunday” by U2? Just some suggestions!

Beetle Bailey, 9/6/18

Beetle seems to have no idea what it means to have a crush on someone, or is unable to read the emotional arc of a romance in a movie written for children, or possibly both! This would explain a lot about his extremely desultory relationship with Miss Buxley.

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Mary Worth, 8/27/18

Oh hell yes y’all it’s a god-damned Charterstone pool party! This is a long and honored Mary Worth tradition, which we’ve enjoyed since the very early days of this blog, but I don’t think we’ve had a truly proper one in more than four years, and the last one led to the story of Olive and her magical psychic tummy, so I am pretty jazzed about today’s developments.

What hilarious plot awaits us? It’s possible that we’re going to learn that Mary, her hands afflicted with rheumatoid arthritis, can no longer mush canned salmon paste into a proper shape before sticking it in the oven, downgrading her usual salmon squares to varying and irregular “salmon snacks.” But the smart money is on this natty old man and his adorable dog. Remember the time when Mary found an injured dog and brought it back home to Charterstone and was glad to discover the condo rules allowed dogs because otherwise she’d have to lay waste to all who opposed her? Anyway, the point is, this dog is more than welcome to hang out by the Charterstone pool and rub its butthole directly on the glass tables in the common area.

Six Chix, 8/27/18

As someone who has a phobia of bees and needles (I mean, what’s a bee but a weird yellow fly with a needle on it’s butt, really) you’d think I’d find this strip terrible triggering, but I actually kind of like it! I mean, I assume its purpose is to bring on vertiginous nightmares, right? I particularly enjoy the lady in panel two going strabismic with terror.

Beetle Bailey, 8/27/18

I love how everyone in the car looks genuinely horrified by the prospect of Sarge’s violent, volcanic anger. Sure, Beetle is regularly pounded to goo and seems to bounce back easily enough, but will the same logic apply to his fellow soldiers? Or will they be left thoroughly dead, a misshapen mass of broken bones and pulverized organs? Sarge’s court-martial, where he breaks down crying and sobs “I thought … I thought they’d just go back to normal. Beetle goes back to normal!” will be of little consolation to their grieving families.

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Beetle Bailey, 7/28/18

There are so many unsettling aspects about the Halftrack’s marital life, and I’d say that one of the absolute worst is Mrs. Halftrack’s weirdly sublimated horniness. Today’s installment makes it seem like she’s doing vaguely sexy mommy play and then takes a turn to the sexy doggy play and, you know what, normally I don’t endorse the General’s obvious and untreated alcoholism but I’m here to say now: I get it.

Spider-Man, 7/28/18

I don’t pretend to know how exactly the Newspaper Spider-Man Universe maps onto other Marvel continuities, but it’s true that there are tons of other superheroes out there — Iron Man! Wolverine! Black Widow! So, while Peter’s antagonists might eventually realize he’s no ordinary reporter, I’m not sure they’re going to associate “not getting stabbed” as a spider-specific power.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/28/18

It’s pretty funny that Rex assumes Jordan will be catering his own wedding, but, when you think about it, Jordan is Avery’s driver and manservant, and therefore is part of the underclass. He can’t hire anyone to cook for him! He’s a guy who people hire to cook! It just doesn’t make sense!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/18

Does … does Mason think they give out Emmys for trite wordplay, or