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Blondie, 7/16/10

Now that they’ve finally mastered texting technology, Blondie and the mailman will have a much easier time conducting their affair.

Spider-Man, 7/16/10

“I mean, fleeing like a coward the moment things get difficult is really much more my shtick.”

Dennis the Menace, 7/16/10

This is actually news that Mr. Wilson will enjoy hearing, considering the Post Office’s policy of only putting people on stamps after they’ve died.

Herb and Jamaal, 7/16/10

HA HA HA HERB’S DAUGHTER YOUR GOD HAS FAILED YOU — NOW IT IS TIME TO TURN TO SATAN

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Blondie, 7/9/10

I imagine that the guy who draws Blondie gets tired of hearing about the strip’s title character’s unusually large and shapely bosom, both from the “oh God it’s hot it makes me so hot” camp and the “you’re a pervert creating unrealistic body images” camp. Look, can’t a guy draw a dame who’s stacked without getting an earful about it? I’d like to think that today’s strip is supposed to be some kind of response. You want to see a broad with big cans? Check this one out! She’s a freak of nature! A biological impossibility! I guess she’s supposed to be heavy-set — thus the wacky food-obsession banter — but with her relatively svelte legs, she just looks top-heavy, like she’s going to tip over in one direction or the other at any minute.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/9/10

“BPH,” for those not in the know, is benign prostatic hyperplasia — basically an enlarged prostate, which makes it hard for Funky to pee. So, you know, Funky is either experiencing a bizarre time-travel phenomenon or an intense, lucid dream, and after about twenty minutes it’s all come back to physical discomfort and potentially cancerous body parts. He can’t even contemplate that tiny cup of refreshing water without thinking of the hours of agony he’ll be spending in front of the urinal later. Might as well make sure his past self is good and glum too, while he’s at it!

Lockhorns, 7/9/10

Leroy’s carpool apparently reacted to his “practical joke” by beating the crap out of him. Or perhaps it was a reaction to his unpleasant personality.

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Spider-Man, 6/11/10

Just as Spider-Man the character within the Spider-Man newspaper strip is a pathetic failure at whatever he attempts, so too is the Spider-Man strip itself! For instance, surely one of the whole purposes for its existence (somewhere on the list below “entertain millions of readers around the country,” something else it doesn’t do properly) is to help build awareness of and affection for the Spider-Man brand, along with the brands of other major characters and properties owned by Marvel and its corporate parent, Disney. Thus, you’d expect that the strip would be tasked to do its small part to add to the marketing blitz for the Iron Man sequel, the release date of which was presumably set months if not years in advance. But it turns out that on May 7, the day Iron Man 2 hit movie theaters nationwide, Peter was being wowed by his wife’s ability to operate a camera. No, the Spider-Man strip is only jumping into the game five weeks later, because doing anything better than a half-assed job at anything would be wholly incongruent with the strip’s general vibe of ineptitude.

Blondie, 6/11/10

I would argue that the less Blondie does to draw attention to the Bumsteads’ bizarre living-room layout, the better. Still, I suppose this strip — in which Dagwood, tired of staring numbly at a screen while his wife faces away from him, tries and fails to figure out a more amenable position for the two of them — is some kind of coded story about their fading sex life.