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Jumble, 10/22/09

If you remember the first batch of WWMMD pictures, you knew that eventually I’d be put in chains at the behest of a corrupt justice system in the Jumble. You can see by my face that I’m shocked at this miscarriage of justice. How could I possibly be found guilty, when I know that I’m innocent? Does my snappy Fist O’ Justice shirt count for nothing? What monstrous jury pool would be capable of such cruelty? Faithful readers, while newspaper readers only got part of the story, I am authorized to share with you the entire courtroom scene:

I … I know I should have hired a lawyer with more courtroom experience. I’m pretty sure he was just doodling on his legal pads all through voir dire.

Blondie, 10/22/09

Here’s the thing, Blondie: If you don’t want to draw attention to your status as an ancient relic from another decade, it may be best not to build a strip around the fact that your main character usually struts about in an outfit that nobody in living memory has worn outside of the most formal situations, and you’ll particularly want avoid equipping him with another set of clothes that, despite his cheery statements to the contrary, would not make anyone in his probable 35-to-50 age range feel “young.” Nevertheless, I’m willing to give you a pass because chubby Dithers in a Nehru jacket is in fact pretty hilarious.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/22/09

So earlier this week, I noted that it would be an amusing improvement on the current RMMD storyline if Tim proved to be a sinister kidnapper. However, I’m even more pleased at the current plot direction into horrible social discomfort. Now that Peanuts is no longer being produced, there are very few places in the comics where you can see painful interpersonal awkwardness so deliciously drawn out until it makes you cringe. I look forward to the next several days’ worth of strips after this clumsy pass consisting mostly of silence — frosty in the passenger seat, humiliated on the driver’s side.

Apartment 3-G, 10/22/09

Speaking of awkwardness, this Apartment 3-G storyline is just getting better and better. Remember, the funniest Tommie storylines are the ones where she’s casually insulted!

Slylock Fox, 10/22/09

I’m assuming the parents in these Six Differences panels have commissioned some kind of report from their children on the pros and cons of various domestic pets. Despite their big smiles, I can’t imagine they’re all that pleased to see that the kids are just drawing on big pieces of paper. What is this, the ’80s? If you really want to make an impression, you want to set up a PowerPoint presentation, with animal clip art and ungrammatical bullet points about why dogs and/or cats are awesome. How do you kids expect to succeed as white-collar drones? Sorry, you’re getting a turtle.

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Your comments of the week coming shortly, but first, the inevitable items! The first, and most unsettling, comes from faithful reader Thomas Treasure. Did you know that, in the early ’50s, you could purchase a real honest-to-God radioactive Atomic Energy Lab for your kids? And that the possible benefits of the new atomic science were extolled by major comics characters in an accompanying comic book, Dagwood Splits the Atom? Thomas nicely encapsulates why I find the concept of a nuclear-armed Bumstead clan so disturbing:

Kim Jong-Il is the devil we know. Communist, egomaniac, loves him some opera. Dagwood Bumstead, we’ve had an open line to his everyday life for more than 75 years, but we still only know the most superficial things about him. So many questions remain: Why does he still wear a tuxedo when he’s poor and has been cut off by his wealthy family for so long that all of his original tuxedos surely must have worn out? Why doesn’t Blondie Boopadoop Bumstead still dress like a “flapper”? Who’s the narrator who knows so much about Dagwood in this gem, and can he answer these questions for us?

Then there’s this charming photo from faithful reader rocketbride:

“Although Margo would never be caught dead caring for the youth of others,” rocketbride says, “she might seize on the opportunity to impart her wisdom in managing conflict for gain. Also, note the mood ring: dead black.”

And now, your COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“So Maggot is raising his son in a French Foreign Legion outpost in the blistering desert of North Africa, and the kid wears a down parka? Is anyone even trying?” –gnemec

And the runners up! Very funny!

“Is it possible that we’re simply reading Apartment 3-G wrong and what seems to be a little flirting over mutant avocado mangoes is actually the cover code-conversation of Resistance operatives in an occupied nation during World War II? Note how careful Aristotle and Gabriella are to keep their eyes on everything in the world other than each other. They know if they’re caught there’s no hope for the raid on Navarone.” –Chip Whittle

“At first, I thought the joke in Crankshaft was about bus drivers committing theft. It’s actually about bus drivers inflicting property damage. I totally get it now.” –littlefox

“Future nurses? Ha! Nobody in Westview has a future.” –Ed Dravecky

“Today’s Marvin got me so hopeful that an extraterrestrial might abduct Marvin and rid him from our lives. Then I realized that they would return him immediately after the disgusting results of the anal probe.” –Sister Sestina

“Dr. Jeff should have a idea balloon above his head: ‘MAYBE IF I LEAVE MY GREEN DINNER JACKET WITH SCOTT HE WILL REWARD ME WITH PICS OF HIS PAPPY WHEN HE WAKES UP.'” –mr 12 oz can

“Despite years of idiot man-child blundering against foes who are usually much better-equipped (and usually smarter) than him, Mark always comes out ahead. However, if they all share the common inability to distinguish ‘unconscious’ from ‘dead,’ we may be on to something. Besides an inability to know when Mark is permanently down, it’s possible these villains have an innate fear of sleep, confusing it with death. This naturally wears down their reserves so that Mark only has to stay alive a few weeks before his enemies simply drop from exhaustion. It’s possible he doesn’t even have to hit them very hard to achieve the effect.” –Alan’s Addiction

“The official Pluggers P.O. Box is closing. I shudder to think what exactly the unofficial Pluggers P.O. Box was.” –Rob

“We all know he’s just going to pray for him, or ask him to get well for Adrian’s sake, or, most cloying and therefore most likely, give Detective Scott his consent to marry his daughter. And, of course, this will instantly cure him, because nothing brings someone out of a coma like nausea.” –Helena Handbasket

“Pluggers grew up in a food chain shot through and through with strontium-90, which explains a lot about pluggers’ considerable genetic irregularities.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Pluggers remember when BM stood for Bowel Movement … and they remember how they weren’t always a half hour long.” –PeteMoss

“I think the simplest explanation for Dr. Jeff heading back in to the room is that he just wanted to take a couple of hits off of the morphine drip so that he could face lunch with Mary and his daughter.” –Saluki

“What’s Gil doing with his hand in panel 2? The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that he’s indicating Murph Wolman’s height, but if his hand is at 5’9”, Gil is a good seven feet tall. Then again, since Murph’s heart is apparently 5’2” and about 170 pounds, I guess anything’s possible.” –Steve S

“A bolded, different font, all-caps adjustment is the only way characters in Mark! Trail! can communicate genuine excitation or emotion anymore. I can’t wait until one of these poachers is eaten by an alligator and the only way the letterer is going to be able to communicate a genuine scream will be to insert a gift-card-style sound chip into every newspaper in America.” –Black Drazon

“Sideburns Guy isn’t asking if Mark is a ‘wildlife’ man (as in one who is an expert on nature). He’s asking if he’s a ‘wild-life’ man (as in one who lives a very wild life). Perhaps he’s thinking that a guy who could escape a gator devouring might well be the sort of dude he’d want to party with. That would be an interesting turn of events, as partying with Mark and family would be a far harsher punishment than whatever the law would hand down for poaching.” –Digger

“In the last panel Hi and Lois display the blissed out smile that can only be achieved through a perfect combination of denial and pharmaceuticals.” –NoahSnark

“Mark’s worn that blazing pink shirt in Sunday matinees before. All his other khakis from the week are dirty or pungent or have lost their sharply pressed creases, so on Sundays Mark wears the shirt Cherry washed with a load of her own shirts and hysteria.” –True Fable

“Would you like me to follow your every movement? With my penis?” –commodorejohn

“ALL animals are murderers, but only the shrike does it with pizazz.” –tb4000

Three cheers for everyone who put cash into my tip jar! And cheers also to my advertisers:

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Pluggers, 10/14/09

Oh my goodness, it’s lucky for all of us that pluggers are honest, simple folk who don’t want to make a fuss and certainly don’t go out and “protest injustice” like some kind of God-damned hippie, because otherwise this news would cause every small-to-midsized town in Real America to go up in flames, consumed by riots that make the 1999 Seattle WTO protests look like a garden party. In fact, our spokesdog looks distinctly nervous, as if he’s going to read this communique as quickly as possible and then flee back inside Pluggers HQ so that he won’t be pelted by vegetables. Use the devil’s e-mail? What do you take us for, communists?

Ha ha, I kid! It’s well known that an elite segment of the plugger population has mastered 20th-century technology; now it appears we’ll be getting entries exclusively from these folks until this whole Post Office to-do is worked out. It will be an interesting anthropological study to see if we can detect any difference in the content of the submissions. For instance, will there be fewer cartoons about the difficulties of picking up AM radio broadcasts and more about how none of these newfangled Websites seem to work with Netscape Navigator 4?

(By the way, if the post office where your P.O. Box is closes down, can’t they just forward your mail to your new P.O. Box? Am … am I missing something?)

Mark Trail, 10/14/09

Hey, Sideburned Poacher Dude, I know it’s literally impossible for any character in Mark Trail to refrain from verbalizing his every thought, and I know it’s pretty shocking to see someone who you did an extremely half-assed job of killing still alive, but there’s no need to shout, OK? Mark and Bob are close enough to see your word balloons emerging from the bushes! It’s like you want to get punched in the face!

“HOW DID HE STAY ALIVE?” is now my new go-to exclamation of surprise at the unexpected appearance of my enemies, by the way. “God, look at him … breathing … digesting … refusing to die … how does he do it?”

Curtis, 10/14/09

You know, I give Curtis a lot of crap for being almost unbearably corny — as it has for the last two weeks, say, as Curtis’s dad has complained about someone stealing his delicious tuna-fish sandwich every day from the work fridge, and Curtis has plotted vengeance against those who would harm the Wilkins clan, stealthily replacing today’s sandwich with one made out of cat food. But by God, this strip has some craft. I have to admire the three panels of Curtis’s runaway panic manifesting itself physically — pupils dilating, sweatballs flying, and his finally his lunch attempting to escape his gullet with a mighty BLORK! as he desperately clutches his throat to prevent vomit from staining his beloved red sweatshirt. It made me laugh, even if nothing about the actual plot did.

Blondie, 10/14/09

Ha ha! It’s funny because Alexander’s “girlfriend” is a prostitute!