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Mary Worth, 4/1/20

Oh man, I am living for Mary’s dead-eyed facial expression in panel one here. “Gosh,” she seems to be saying, “Dawn has found herself in a romantic predicament of her own making. Who could’ve possibly predicted this.” She seems unable to even work up much enthusiasm for the coming meddle: “You’re gonna have to make a choice, and be honest, blah blah blah. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go water some more flowers, over, uh, over there, on the other side of the yard, gotta go.”

Family Circus, 4/1/20

Big Daddy Keane is smiling because Billy doesn’t quite understand what’s happening here. As a sovereign citizen, he will very much not be telling the so-called “federal government” where he lives and how many dependents he has, but rather is writing a long note on the form about how he refuses to exchange his allodial property rights for the supposed “civil rights” guarantees of the 14th amendment, and is putting some home-brewed biotoxins in the envelope to boot.

Judge Parker, 4/1/20

If you’re a fabulously rich guy running to be a small-town mayor and the biggest knock against you, other than the whole thing where you’re a criminal, is that you’re an out-of-touch old-money elitist, definitely a way to change people’s minds on that point is to be the only person at your campaign fundraiser wearing a tuxedo.

Blondie, 4/1/20

Hey, everyone, what’s your least favorite part of this utterly nightmarish drawing of Dagwood waking up screaming from his nap? Let’s take a closer look!

It’s his weird, tiny, lizard-like tongue, right? Gotta be the tongue! It’s the same color as his skin!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 3/30/20

What’s your favorite part of this extremely improbable scene? Some might say it’s that the makeshift Hootin’ Holler clinic, which is in such dire shape that the waiting area is separated from the rest of the facility by a patched sheet in what is almost certainly a serious HIPAA violation, somehow has a functioning EKG machine, even if the accompanying treadmill is predictably not in operation. But for me, it’s that Snuffy has stripped to the waist so the electrodes can be attached to his gnomish torso, but is still wearing his overalls, the straps flapping behind him as he hops.

Blondie, 3/30/20

The only way this smash-cut joke actually works is if Blondie chloroformed Dagwood between panels one and two, changed him out if his work vest into his casual sweater, then hauled his unresponsive body to the car, dragged him into a restaurant booth, and waited for him to come to before delivering this zinger. It would mess with the rhythm of the strip to show all that, of course, but I do sincerely want to see it.

Mark Trail, 3/30/20

Wow, this really takes a lot of the weight off of Rusty, who thought he was going to have explain this! Thanks, Eric, for breaking the bad news to Kevin. You’re the real hero!

Six Chix, 3/30/20

“If You Truly Want To Be One Of The Six Chix, You Need To Do A Vaguely Pervy Bigfoot Strip”: another installment in a continuing series.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/29/20

One of my least favorite running Funky Winkerbean bits — amazingly, I do have a hierarchy — is jokes at the school that are set up by the teacher saying “Can anyone tell me [fairly obscure fact X]” in a way that really seems to strongly imply that the students have never encountered fact X in their curriculum, but he’s mad at them for not knowing the answer anyway, because it’s their fault they don’t know the name of, for instance, random Kuiper Belt objects off the top of their head. Anyway, did you know that this particular Kuiper Belt object isn’t even called Ultima Thule anymore? Science teacher dude whose name I forget hates kids, hates teaching, doesn’t keep up with his field of study, and probably should look into retiring as soon as possible, is what I’m saying.

Blondie, 3/29/20

Today’s Blondie is kind of interesting because it doesn’t really make sense if you don’t know that Dagwood lives in an impeccably manicured suburb where, anachronistically, people let their dogs roam free at night, but I’m more interested in the throwaway panels, where Dagwood identifies himself and his neighbor responds with an excruciatingly neutral “Yes”, implying that she knows exactly who he is and has some opinions about him that she is not eager to share.

Six Chix, 3/29/20

oh no the cartoons are getting horny and no one will help them